A Poignant Consultation at an Abortion Clinic

THE SCENE: An abortion clinic in a medium-sized city.
THE PLAYERS: The clinic administrator, a pregnant woman and the clinic doctor.

ADMINISTRATOR: Welcome to Planned Non-Parenthood, Mrs. Dummer, how can we help you?

CLIENT: I read about the trendy, new gender-based abortions, which started in China. I wonder if you make them available here? I understand that they are a bit controversial.

ADMINISTRATOR: Yes, we do provide them. We don’t let morals, ethics, human decency or any other such outmoded considerations stand in the way of profit. Why, are you pregnant?

CLIENT: Yes, I just got the report from my doctor. I am nine weeks pregnant.

ADMINISTRATOR:: Congratulations are in order, I suppose — at least for now. Have you consulted with your husband about this?

CLIENT: No, I haven’t seen him in eleven weeks. He’s an engineer with a firm that is cutting down all the trees in the Brazilian rain forest.  They will be used to build Donald Trump’s next summer  home.

ADMINISTRATOR: Eleven weeks? Then it’s not his baby.

CLIENT: No, but close enough. By the time the baby arrives, the timing will be blurred.

ADMINISTRATOR:  Ah, then you want the baby. We are very busy here. We have no time for mothers who want their babies.

CLIENT: I am not sure that I want the baby. That’s why I am here. There is one circumstance under which I would want the baby aborted.

ADMINISTRATOR: Go on.

CLIENT: I have been watching a lot of reality shows. Everybody in my circle is hooked on them. I have learned a lot from them about all the new sexes that are rising up in our society.

ADMINISTRATOR: How do you mean “all.” There still are only two, as far as I know.

CLIENT: Oh, no, you should see some of the people who appear on these  shows. There was one person there who had a man’s name, but he didn’t behave at all like a man, but when I studied him for a while, I couldn’t say that he was a woman either. So he must belong to one of the new sexes.

ADMINISTRATOR: Can we finesse that point, and have you just tell me what you want?

CLIENT: I consider myself open-minded, and would be proud to have a child from most of the eight sexes, or however many there are. But there is one that I would prefer to abort, if I can get advance warning.

ADMINISTRATOR: And that is?

CLIENT: I wouldn’t want to have a boy who wishes he was a girl, and who would get a sex-change operation, and then become a Lesbian. That is too complicated for my simple mind, and it doesn’t  even make sense. If he remained a man, he and his female partners wouldn’t have to waste money on sex toys. I feel within my rights to request an abortion in such a case, because President Obama has not come out against it, although I don’t know for sure whether he has evolved into feeling comfortable about it.

ADMINISTRATOR: All right, get up on the table and I will ask the doctor to come in.

(Doctor enters.)

ADMINISTRATOR: Doctor, this lady would like us to perform an abortion on her only if the child in her womb is a boy who will want to have a sex-change operation and then become a Lesbian.

DOCTOR: (whispering)  How the BLEEP am I supposed to know that?

ADMINISTRATOR: (whispering) Just scope her out, and I’ll do the talking.

(The doctor does whatever he is supposed to do.)

ADMINISTRATOR: Let me look at the screen.  My goodness! This is an incredible coincidence. Mrs. Dummer, you have in there a baby boy who is going to want a sex change, and then  pursue life as a Lesbian.

(The doctor makes a gagging sound.)

CLIENT: How can you tell?

ADMINISTRATOR: How can I tell, you ask? Look at the screen yourself.

(Mrs. Dummer looks at the screen, but seems nonplussed.)

CLIENT: I can’t tell anything from the screen. I don’t even know how to tell that it’s a boy.

ADMINISTRATOR: Well, it is. We are professionals here.

CLIENT: But what about the Lesbian thing?

ADMINISTRATOR: Look carefully, can’t you see that he is reading a miniature copy of Sappho’s poetry?

CLIENT: No. How would such a thing get in there? Oh, wait, I think I know.

ADMINISTRATOR: You do??? How?

CLIENT: I’d rather not say.

ADMINISTRATOR: We can schedule you for an abortion a week from today.

CLIENT: Fine.

ADMINISTRATOR: A special case like this will cost extra, I’m afraid.

CLIENT: That’s OK. I am covered by Obamacare.  They are very lenient. (She leaves.)

DOCTOR: Mildred, how could you do such a thing?

ADMINISTRATOR:  Listen, Doc, you like getting paid big bucks for killing babies, no? How much do you think you could make saving lives? Fuggedaboddit!