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Think You’re Safe, Do Ya?

Hey there, all you conscientious and not-entirely-irresponsible citizens! Welcome to the first Never Again-ual Safe Thinking Education Exam (NASTEE). This test is open-book (it doesn’t matter which book—open up Tortilla Flat for all I care), and multiple choice. Please use a #2 pencil, and clean your monitor screen after you finish. 1)      Your daughter’s kitten got stuck in…

Order the Crap Sandwich, Eat the Crap Sandwich

All things considered, any person could come spend a mere two days in my longtime home of San Diego and end up arguing it’s one of the greatest cities in America, if not THE greatest. You unfamiliars out there are probably telling yourselves, “Why, Myself, anyone who loves where he lives, like I do, could…

Superiority Complex

A few months ago while watching Justified, AKA “one of the greatest shows EVER”, I was treated to one of my favorite axioms. Deputy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens, as usual played excellently by Timothy Olyphant, had grown tired of a crook claiming to be a victim of circumstance, and criticized his lack of self-accountability thus (paraphrased):…

Sit Up and Pay Attention, Classless!

Before we get to the main topic, I first want to take this opportunity to apologize to my neighbors, as well as the other people on my block, residents of the other blocks in my neighborhood, and the Marines at the Miramar air base. That deafening ruckus you recently had to put up with for…

The Column of All Mothers

Let’s just clear something up right now, in case the title didn’t do the trick: the national holiday dedicated to our mothers (Labor Day, unless I’m mistaken) is the topic of this column. Now that we’ve gotten that little inanity out of the way, on to the main inanity. Beyond all the clichés you find…

Shot Down

We just got treated to what I’d argue is the best editing job in the history of recorded speech. If you want to see it yourself, the bad news is you’ll have to watch a guy acting like a colossal jerk in the process. Yes, you’ll have to watch Barack Obama act like himself, after…

Hello, Federal Government, How May I Harm You?

It might seem odd to you, but when Barack Obama started demanding another tax increase on wealthy people, only months after Republicans reluctantly agreed to one, my reaction to it was more relief than anything else. I’ve actually given you the reason already: Republicans agreed to a tax increase months earlier (God bless those eunuch…

So Many Targets, So Few Bullets

bullseye tramp stamp

Over the last few weeks I’ve developed a little appreciation for a cretin unnamed…I mean certain unnamed host of a sort-of televised talk show. I’m going to tread carefully on the name-providing here, as I’m not big on providing easy exposure for people whose current state of widespread not-exposed-ness is of great benefit to the public. Let’s…