Apocalypse, Now

We live in very weird times.  How weird?  I recently heard that atheists are insisting that the U.S. Navy accept atheist chaplains into its ranks.  What on earth would their function be, you ask?  I can’t imagine, unless there really are sailors who would find comfort in being assured as they go into combat that there’s no God and no afterlife.  I had long heard that there were no atheists in foxholes, and assumed the rule held true for fighting men aboard ships. 

Surely of all the world’s religions, not even Islam is as bizarre as atheism.

And of all the professions, none is as bizarre as politics.  In what other field could the likes of Barack Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Henry Waxman, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and Sheila Jackson Lee, reach the top.  

Not even the egos to be found in show business are as huge as those carted around by politicians.  Even someone as disgusting as Anthony Weiner continues to assert he is the only person fit to run New York City.  Even though Michael Bloomberg set a very low standard, it’s impossible to picture Weiner as the indispensable man.

What is it, anyway, with people like Weiner, 48, and Geraldo Rivera, 70, that convinces them that for no other reason than that they’re skinny, they’re hunky heartthrobs.  Someone at Fox News should whisper in Rivera’s ear that 70 really isn’t the new 50.  In some cases, it’s clearly the new 15.

On my recent webcast, I went after John Boehner in no uncertain terms, accusing him of being a milquetoast.  I readily acknowledge there’s no sin in being civil.  In fact, in most cases, it’s a virtue.  But not when you’re the majority leader of the House and the other side keeps accusing Republicans of every sin from racism to bestiality.  

When in the wake of the Benghazi massacre, the targeting of conservatives by the IRS and snooping on AP reporters and Fox’s James Rosen, Obama and his sock puppet Jay Carney keep referring to “phony scandals,” the majority leader’s job is to go for their throats, not to be overly concerned whether he and Mrs. Boehner will be invited to the White House Christmas bash.

I am also sick and tired of hearing Republican politicians speak longingly of compromising with liberals.  How many times will they allow themselves to be bamboozled?  There is no way to compromise with people who want to expand government; set ObamaCare in concrete; subsidize green industry/Obama’s cronies with our tax dollars; and turn a blind eye to a $17 trillion debt.  You reach across the aisle with these schmucks and they cut off your arm.

One other piece of advice to these congenital morons: Stop reading the damn New York Times!  Your constituents don’t.  In fact the only
people who do are your liberal colleagues, for whom it serves as a secular missal.  

Just remember that leading up to the 2008 primaries, the Times insisted that John McCain would make a great president because he was so statesmanlike.  McCain, fool that he is, took it so much to heart, that he refused to even mention the role that Jeremiah Wright had played in Obama’s personal and political life and even went so far as to put the kibosh on any campaign ads that dared to mention the intimate link between the two rabid racists.

Speaking of he-who-should-be-impeached, I loved the joke that went viral recently suggesting that George Zimmerman change his name to Ben Ghazi so that Obama would never again mention him.

Bonus: Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered

The title comes from a tune written by Rodgers and Hart for their musical, “Pal Joey,” written in 1940, the year I was born. It could very well serve as the title of my autobiography if I were ever crazy enough to write it, because it so perfectly describes my general state of mind.

For instance, in the wake of the Zimmerman verdict, Obama insisted that the basis of the race problem in America is the distrust that white people often have of black men. It causes black men to feel resentful, he explained. Inasmuch as he is theoretically the president of all Americans, it might have behooved him to acknowledge that the distrust has been earned. He might have pointed out, for instance, that although blacks constitute only 13% of the population, between 1976 and 2005 they committed over 50% of all murders, along with 35-40% of all robberies, assaults and rapes.

He might have even taken a moment to mention that 90% of those people they kill are their fellow blacks.

Would it have killed him to place the responsibility where it belongs, and to acknowledge that, aside from NBA rosters, crime is the only area in which blacks are consistently over-represented.

Obama also said he was considering undertaking a program that would help young blacks to improve their self-image. Apparently, he is unaware that in America, studies have shown that young black kids have such an inflated opinion of themselves that no other group even comes close. That shouldn’t come as too big a surprise. After all, the individual who holds himself in the highest possible regard is none other than the narcissist in the Oval Office.

If anyone entertains any doubts about Obama’s ability to keep Republicans out of the loop, they might think otherwise if they were aware that although Congress passed only 15 laws in the first quarter of 2013, this administration managed, on average, to create a new federal regulation every two hours.

Although every time that Federal Reserve chief Ben Bernanke sneezes, Wall Street comes down with pneumonia, the basic strength of capitalism can be seen in the fact that in spite of this administration’s destroying the coal industry, nixing the Keystone pipeline, passing Dodd-Frank and ObamaCare, blowing billions of dollars on green industry car and solar companies, raising taxes, adding trillions to our national debt and lousing up our national credit rating, the ailing economy refuses to lie down and die. One can only imagine how quickly it will boom once these left-wing amateurs finally pack up and return to Chicago.

Taking their cue from the terrorists in Gitmo, 30,000 prisoners in California are staging a hunger strike. This is one time I am definitely pro-choice, and I think the ACLU should fight just as hard to protect their right to starve as they fight to protect the right of pregnant women to murder their defenseless babies.

Have you noticed that smart phones are often so much smarter than the people using them? And speaking of modern technology, do you realize that it wasn’t all that long ago that nobody could go faster than, say, 25 mph unless they were falling off a cliff?

One of the things that bothers and bewilders me are reviewers who limit themselves to 1-4 stars when rating a movie. I would suggest that they should use a hundred stars, so that 90 or 95 stars would constitute a rave and two or three stars could better indicate just how wretchedly interminable two hours spent in the dark with Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler can be.

I am delighted that my insult of California’s Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein and Maxine Waters, was sent viral. At the same time, I have been mortified to see the author identified as an L.A. Times columnist. Just for the record, I did compare the women to the witches in “Macbeth,” but I have not been a Times columnist since 1978, and anyone who believes the Times would allow those harridans to be insulted in its pages has several screws loose.

Finally, although I tried never to be one of those fathers who made a bore of himself by bragging about his son, I recently found myself at a party listening to a lady enumerating her dog’s attributes. I suddenly found myself insisting that our dog, the remarkable Angel, could both talk and play the piano. Well, I lied. She can’t play a blessed note.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • http://www.twitter.com/lemmycaution25 Lemmy Caution

    ” I had long heard that there were no atheists in foxholes”

    Have you never heard of Pat Tillman?

  • souvoter

    You’ve got the hyprocracy of liberals down to a science, Burt. Good, truthful read!