Brave, New World

Jeb Bush, who seems destined to be the only member of his family never to serve as President of the United States, says that the Republican party can’t survive if it continues to be perceived as a bunch of “old, white guys.”

He’s been saying that for years, but I only just learned about it, because I fell asleep in 1956 and just woke up. I went to sleep as a young student, and now I am an old, white guy, a very well-rested one but somewhat confused.

When I came across Jeb’s comment on this thing they call the Internet, I had to do a little research to figure out who he was. I learned that he used to be the governor of Florida, which struck me as impressive until I found out that Charlie Crist also held that position. Crist has been publicly accused of having homosexual affairs, but has steadfastly denied it.

I wondered how anyone even suspected of being a homosexual – what used to be called “queer” before my Van Winklean siesta — could win high public office. But I am told by everyone I meet that being a homosexual today puts you above criticism of any sort. Nobody calls them “queers” anymore, they are called “gays,” and it has become better in the public eye to be one than not. People who are not homosexuals commonly apologize for the fact, or so I gather.

Public contempt is now reserved for “straight, white guys.” “Straight” means heterosexual, “white” used to connote social superiority but no longer, and “guys” means men.

Straight, white guys, especially those who are also old, seldom speak up in public anymore, because they know that nothing they say will be taken seriously, and in fact that their remarks usually will be greeted with angry sarcasm by people who aren’t straight, white, guys or old.

When I was a student in New York City, I sometimes would be groped while walking along the sidewalk by strange men who would then dash away. These were the gays of that time, starving for sexual satisfaction, because they were a small minority. They got what they could, any way they could.

Once one of these gentlemen spotted me hailing a taxi late at night in lower Manhattan, came running over and jumped into the cab with me, and implored me to come home with him and “talk.” The cab driver helped me wriggle out of that one, and I gave him a nice tip, perhaps as much as fifty cents, which was a modest fortune then.

Recently, before I was reprogrammed, I saw a man who was obviously gay and called him a “queer.” A stranger rebuked me for being a “homophobe.” I don’t know the definition of that word, but from its roots it seems as though it would be someone who is afraid of himself. Does it show that much?

As for lesbians, I can understand their attraction to women, but don’t you have to be pretty stupid to suppose that sex is better without a pecker in the room?

Being white, I used to consider myself lucky. But now I find that being white makes me guilty by association with every inhumane misdeed ever committed in the history of mankind. Most importantly, I share the blame for slavery, and for robbing the Indians of their land.

Let me make it clear that my forebears never owned slaves – although who knows what might have happened if they had come over before slavery was abolished. Also, none of them ever stole a single square foot of land from any redskin – pardon me, Native American.

I have bumped into a few Native Americans since waking up, being an enthusiastic patron of casinos, and have dared them to prove that I am responsible for taking any land from them. They just laugh at me, and pocket my bets.

By the way, I tried referring to them as Native Americans, and they laughed at that too, and insisted that they were Indians. And here I was trying my best to be what folks nowadays call politically correct.

When I went to sleep the Constitution of the United States was revered by every citizen of our nation, its contents were taught in countless courses at the high-school, college and graduate level, and it was universally regarded as the law of the land.

Now, I have learned, the Constitution is of no value whatsoever, because Thomas Jefferson owned slaves. Left-thinking people want to replace it at a new Constitutional Convention to be presided over by two politicians named Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Harry Reid, and the President of the United States routinely ignores it, or supersedes it with Executive Orders.

This President, by the way, is half-black, which used to be called mulatto, which I suppose is a sign of social progress.  He is being opposed for re-election this year by an old, straight, white guy.

What a joke! The only candidate who could possibly beat him, given the attitude of today’s electorate, would have to be young, gay, full-bloodedly black, and female, or perhaps trans-gender, like Christine Jorgensen.

Remember him, I mean her? And to think that people dared to laugh back then.