Bumper Stickers for 2010

by Burt Prelutsky

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read, “Everyone who is in favor of abortion has already been born.” I’m not sure that’s the best argument I’ve ever heard made by those opposed to the practice, but it did get me to thinking about other facts of modern life.

For instance, the Supreme Court will soon determine whether it is an infringement of free speech if the members of the Westboro Baptist Church are prevented from demonstrating at the funerals of our fallen warriors. What I find astonishing is that it is even a question that requires a Supreme Court ruling to stop these obscene lunatics from disrupting such solemn ceremonies. What the heck ever happened to common sense and common decency?

The bumper sticker also led me to consider the hypocrisy of those who favor affirmative action. I’m not referring to the beneficiaries who obviously have a vested interest in taking advantage of race-based entitlements in order to leap-frog over better, more deserving, students. No, the folks I have in mind are white students, white professors, white politicians, white reporters, editors and political pundits. No matter how loudly they trumpet their liberal rhetoric, I have never — not once — noticed any of them stepping aside so that a black or Hispanic student, professor, politician, reporter, editor or political pundit, can take his place.

Instead, their role is to stand on the sidelines with a megaphone and a social engineering agenda, and tell others to sacrifice themselves in order to bring about this left-wing notion of Nirvana. So long as nothing but good intentions is demanded of them, they promote the Marxist ideal: “From everyone according to his abilities to everyone according to his needs.” But that’s only so long as it’s everyone else.

God knows I can be as self-righteous as the next guy, assuming that the next guy isn’t a liberal, but there are few things that gall me quite as much as those nincompoops who show up any time a serial killer is about to be executed in order to hold a candlelight vigil outside a prison.

They’re such a smug, sanctimonious bunch of ninnies, I’m always relieved when I fail to see my friends or relatives among them. Invariably, I find myself thinking these loons should get a hobby, get a dog or get a life. They so obviously believe they control the moral high ground, I just want to smack ‘em.

Short of that, I’d at least like to suggest another bumper sticker: “Nobody who has ever demonstrated against capital punishment has ever been a murder victim. (But there’s still time.)”