Bye, Bye, Birdbrain

Burt hopes you’ll enjoy this *EXTRA* torn from the headlines.

I can surely understand why Missouri’s Republican candidate for the Senate, Todd Akin, assumed that a prerequisite for holding the office was stupidity. After all, his opponent, Claire McCaskill (D), is a certified numbskull. But even she isn’t stupid enough to suggest that a rape victim has the natural ability to not get pregnant. With my luck, if I had taken high school biology and tried to get my answers off someone else’s test paper, Akin would have been the guy sitting next to me.

In response to the multiple choice question regarding a human’s gestation period being (a) one week, (b) one month, (c) nine months or (d) three years, Todd and I would probably have taken our chances with (d) if only because neither of us would have had any idea what “gestation” meant.

The problem isn’t even that Akin’s statement was so far off the charts that one might have assumed he had forgotten to take his meds that morning. What makes it obvious that he has no more business holding public office than a chimpanzee is that the average chimp would have paused a moment and asked himself, “With the election just a couple of months off, why the heck am I discussing rape victims? I’m looking to be Senator Bonzo, for crying out loud, not a guest on the View.”

To their credit, everyone in the GOP, including Mitt Romney, has been after Mr. Akin to retire from the race. But Akin, who’s in his mid-60s and just gave up his House seat, figures it’s now or never and he absolutely refuses to budge. You all know how stubborn those Missouri mules can be. Although I’m no farm boy, I have heard that if you want to get a mule’s attention, you first hit it in the head with a 2×4. It’s only a suggestion, you understand, but it would be a shame if Harry Reid maintained control of the Senate for no better reason than that this pinhead happened to notice that his mouth was wide open and figured it was the perfect place to put his shoe.

Although Australia has always seemed to be a sensible country, one of the few that America could always count on in crunch time, I recently heard that they’ve decided that in the future cigarette companies would not be able to market their products in their distinctive packages. Instead, all cigarettes would come in beige packs and the only decorative features would be pictures of cancer-riddled lungs.

Personally, I hope that this is merely a rumor started by, one might suspect, those notorious little troublemakers in New Zealand. Otherwise, it sounds as if Michael Bloomberg, not satisfied with merely being the nanny of New York City, has branched out and is now moonlighting Down Under.

It so happens I used to be a smoker, but that was many years ago. Although I prefer not being around cigarette smokers, I try not to be one of those self-righteous schmucks whose sole purpose in life seems to be scowling at nicotine addicts as he passes them on the street while frantically waving his hand in front of his face, as if secondhand smoke had the same lethal properties as nerve gas.

The way I see it, if, at this late date, the Aussies still feel compelled to get the point across that cigarettes aren’t quite as healthy as broccoli and blueberries, they could go about it in some slightly more subtle fashion. I mean, what’s next, a skull-and-crossbones on whisky bottles? Candy bars decorated with rotting teeth? Or perhaps a picture of Rosie O’Donnell on bags of cookies?

When I first heard that we were loosening sanctions on Iran so that donations could be made to their earthquake victims, it barely registered. Heaven knows, when it comes to helping out the victims of natural disasters, America is inevitably Johnny on the spot. But then it struck me: Who are we to interfere when God tries to shake a little sense into Ahmadinejad and the mullahs? It would seem to me that there’s a big difference between being charitable and being a prize sucker. Iran has friends in the world and, clearly, we’re not one of them. If anyone is going to help them, I say let it be one of its longtime allies, Russia, China, Syria or Beelzebub.

In conclusion, let me just say that I have a 2×4 packed and ready to ship. All I need is the name and address of some reliable mule skinner in the Show Me State who’s just aching to get Mr. Akin’s attention.

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Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • Wil

    Hey Burt, you schmuck — first rule is never get in bed with the political party who wouldn’t have let your parents into the country club.

  • Jan

    How about you take your 2×4 and put it where the sun doesn’t shine – sideways, hmmm ?

  • Khartman2

    How stupid do you think it is to refer to an article from an expert (M.D.) or is it more stupid to say he heard it from a “reliable source” as Harry Reed did? Where is the condemnation of Reid? My personal observation is that the MSM has succesfully created a political diversion and even the Romney-Ryan supporters have jumped on the wagon. It has never been a secret that Aiken is a pro life Republican.

    • MARYJOE

      Exactly!! The conservatives get much more flack about gaffes than liberals do! 

    • BurtPrelutsky

      I don’t know where you’ve been hanging out,Khartman, but lots of people, including yours truly, have condemned Harry Reid.  It’s Akin who provided the diversion; the Democrats have simply taken advantage of his stupidity.

      Burt

  • MARYJOE

    What Aikin said was really stupid and I do not agree with him. But I have heard a Dr.
    on a talk show say the same thing many years ago. What he said was the stress of being raped  would cause the egg to not plant. This also was a very stupid statement.
    I really don’t think Aikin should have his whole career judged on a very, very stupid statement. Remember,I did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky?

    • BurtPrelutsky

       Maryjoe:  Nobody says Akin should have his whole career judged on a stupid statement.  Instead, we all say he should drop out of the race in order to make it easier for the GOP to wrest control of the Senate away from Harry Reid.  If Akin refuses to drop out, then his whole career should be judged by his selfish and stupid decision.

      Burt

  • Wheels55

    I actually think Akin said that stuff in order to be considered for VP. After all, saying dumb stuff has worked well for Biden. However, Akin is so dumb, he said it after Romney picked his VP.

    • BurtPrelutsky

      Wheels:  Maybe Akin is counting on Obama dumping Biden and picking him.

      Burt

      • Wheels55

        That would be aweful. Not Akin being Obama’s VP, but the thought of Biden roaming aimlessly around the streets.

  • Artlouis

    There may be people in Congress who are even stupider than Akin. Stupidity has never  been an absolute bar against election. We even have some politicians who think there are 57 states in the union.

    What everybody is making a fuss about is the term “legitimate rape.” I am not sure what Akin meant by that, but the red flags went up when he linked the word “legitimate”  to rape. It seemed to suggest that there are circumstances under which rape can be excused by right-thinking people. Of course he couldn’t have meant that, but saying something that seems to mean it is an automatic deal-breaker. 

    Now the GOP’s chances for capturing the Senate are diminished, and Obama has just  taken a polling lead in Missouri, which had seemed safe for Romney.  Romney can’t afford to lose Missouri.
     
    Say what you will about Akin’s IQ, he has shown himself to be perhaps the most powerful politician in America.

    • BurtPrelutsky

      Art: Perhaps not the most powerful, but certainly one of the dumbest…and when the competition includes Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer and the members of the Black Congressional Caucus, that’s saying something.

      Burt

  • Tsav672000

    I could use that 2×4 Burt. I didn’t vote for him in the primary, but Claire was very clever. She ran ads stating Akin was far and away the most conservative candidate in the race thus driving many conservatives into his camp. Rumor has it many dems also crossed over and voted for him. He is the guy she wanted to face and now we know why. It was her only chance to win. John Brunner was a nice candidate and Sarah Steelman was endorsed by Sarah Palin. Either would have easily defeated McCaskill. 

    • BurtPrelutsky

       Tsav: I have also heard that the DNC helped Akin fund his campaign.  We can only hope that Akin comes to his senses and that you will still have a chance to vote for Brunner or Steelman.

      Burt

      • Tsav672000

         Fingers are crossed Burt

  • PVMan1

    Breitbart  has a clip of McCaskill saying that she didn’t want Bill Clinton around her daughter…wishing it would go viral.

    • BurtPrelutsky

      PV: Perhaps the GOP will air it around the time Clinton gives his invocation at Obama’s convention.  One can only hope.

      Burt

      • Bruce A.

        I believe the agenda  calls for the invocation by a real man of the cloth Rev. Jesse Jackson.  This will be followed by the Sandra Fluck
        lecture on birth control.  Bill Clinton will lead the thunderous applause.

  • GlenFS

    Burt,  I laughed my way through this, except the parts where I cried about Akin’s stupidity and mulishness.  Thanks, great way to start the day!

    • BurtPrelutsky

       GFS: My pleasure.

      Burt