Clinton Trumps God

I swear I tried to sit through all the speeches at the Democratic convention. As it turned out, I couldn’t make it through a single one. I watched a few minutes of Michelle Obama’s and Mayor Castro’s and a few seconds of Elizabeth Warren’s before throwing in the towel. I actually found myself sitting through a half-hour’s worth of Clinton’s magnum opus, but gave up when I realized I had no idea if he was at the halfway mark or was merely getting started.

My overall reaction was that if someone had only thought to bring bread to the Convention, they could have made sandwiches for thousands with all the baloney on display.

Even though I couldn’t stomach all the lies and insults directed at Republicans, I came away with a number of impressions. It all began on the days leading up to the Charlotte event when Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley first went on a Sunday news show and admitted that the American people were not better off than they were four years ago, and then turned up the next day insisting that of course the American people were better off. He might as well have said, “Who are you going to believe? Me or me?” And, best of all, you could barely see the bruises left by David Axelrod’s blackjack.

I also got a kick out of Obama’s giving himself an “Incomplete” when asked to grade his administration. When I was at UCLA, I only knew two guys who received “incompletes” at the end of a semester. In one case, the kid had come down with mononucleosis just before the finals. The other time, a friend of mine, an orthodox Jew, couldn’t take a couple of tests because they conflicted with Rosh Hashanah. So, my question to Barack is: what’s your excuse? Do you have mono or are you Jewish?

As you may have heard, there was reportedly an infestation of bed bugs at several of the Charlotte hotels. No word as to whether they were native to North Carolina or if the liberals had brought them to town. For the Democrats, the good news is that thousands of them are now registered to vote for Obama in November.

After Clinton’s speech, I heard several pundits in the throes of orgasmic rapture insisting it was the greatest speech they’d ever heard. Or at least since Michelle Obama had delivered her own version of the Sermon on the Mount the day before. Some went so far as to claim that Clinton had cinched Obama’s victory. My question is whether any of them is prepared to put his money where his mouth is. No, I didn’t think so.

Speaking of Mrs. Obama, she said that Republicans are the sort of people who climb the ladder of success and then slam the door on others. When I heard that, I wondered if one of us had been drinking. I mean, what ladder ends with a door? Apparently, she has even less experience climbing ladders than I, who suffer from vertigo, do. Or, perhaps she actually thinks that hard-working Republicans put in all that time and effort to achieve success just so they can wind up in someone’s attic.

I watched enough of the convention to have heard that the one thing that all Americans have in common is that we belong to the government. I forget who said it, but apparently he was laboring under the delusion that he was addressing, not the Democratic convention, but the State Council of the People’s Republic of China. On second thought, perhaps he wasn’t as confused as I thought.

After all, this was the group that had to go through three voice votes before Convention chairman Antonio Villaraigosa decided that “God” and “Jerusalem” would be shoehorned into the Party Platform. Some cynics said even on the third go-around, the “Ayes” didn’t come close to achieving the required two-thirds vote. But it’s my theory that Villaraigosa, who’s not terribly bright, figured that it was okay to add the first two votes to the third one in order to reach the required number .

The real problem with Democratic politicians isn’t that they lie, but that they do it so badly that even the nitwits who vote for them know they’re lying. For instance, everyone realizes that Democrats, from the president on down, are so deep into the pockets of the teachers union that they risk being buried in lint, never send their kids to public schools in Washington, D.C. Whenever they pay homage to the glory of public education, you can bet they have their fingers crossed and their own offspring safely ensconced in private schools.

And let us not forget that the same people who whine about the hardship that photo IDs pose for young people, blacks and Hispanics, insisted that photo IDs be required for all the conventioneers seeking to enter the Time Warner Cable Arena. Apparently, if you’re a left-winger, it only makes sense that attending an event that features the likes of Sandra Fluke, Emanuel Cleaver and Valerie Jarrett (aka Ms. Rasputin), is a sacred privilege, whereas voting in a presidential election should be open to everyone, including illegal aliens, convicted felons and the deceased.

The Democrats were so desperate to make their convention look jam-packed on TV, they rented a much smaller hall than the one the GOP used in Tampa. Even then, they had to bus in college students, union members and those who appeared in many cases to be out-patients from North Carolina psych wards, to fill the seats.

They then had to pray for rain as an excuse to cancel Obama’s speech in the football stadium that promised to draw an even smaller crowd than “Gigli,” the Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck movie that emptied more theaters than stink bombs and Rob Schneider put together.

Of course the Democrats had to pretend that the change of venue was merely to safeguard the crowd from the dangers of lightning. Oddly enough, 40,000 fans will often stay put in Yankee Stadium during a downpour, praying that the umps don’t call the game because of rain.

Finally, someone at the Convention claimed that were Ronald Reagan still alive, he would be a Democrat today. That struck me as the absolute height of absurdity until it occurred to me that in all likelihood America’s second greatest president probably would be a Democrat.

After all, these days he’d be 100 years old and suffering from Alzheimer’s.

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • Concernedmimi

    Thanks for the great article, Burt! I laughed all the way though it. Still can’t believe these pea-brains are running our country! We gotta let em go. ‘Eastwood’

    • Mariop

      Aah… don’t worry, things could be worse if the GOP was in complete power. So we’re fine.

  • Deny916

    C’mon.  How can you take Bill Clinton’s speech seriously when you know how he REALLY feels about obammy??? 

    I stuck to watching re-runs on tv while all that worthless blabbering was going on.  It was hard enough to watch all of the clips on the news the next day.  I also think that obammy couldn’t fill that stadium and that’s why they “changed their minds and made it safe for the conventioneers”.  Yeah.  Right!

    • BurtPrelutsky

       Deny: I’m not sure you’re addressing.  I don’t know anyone who took Clinton’s speech seriously, and that includes Clinton.

      The Democrats couldn’t even fill the auditorium, which is why they bused in students and union members to fill it.  Heck, baseball fans sit in the rain and pray that the umps won’t call the game off.  But, suddenly, the DNC is worried about people catching colds?

      Burt

  • Drew Page

    This article has to be one of your best. Burt.    I couldn’t bring myself to watch even a moment of the Dems convention.   I knew I would be bombarded with clips of speeches in the news for days following their convention.   Even the subsequent news clips proved to be too much. 

    • BurtPrelutsky

       Drew: You’re a wise and discerning man.

      Burt

  • Wheels55

    It makes me wonder where the DNC would be today without Wild Bill. If Clinton had taken a pass like George W has, they would be left with DWS, Biden and Fluke. Sad for them.

    • Mariop

      Haha! The DNC benefits from a former president’s reappearance. The RNC benefits from a former president’s absence. You must be so proud of your Party’s legacy. You guys are a comedy.

    • BurtPrelutsky

       Wheels:  Pretty sad having to depend on a scumbag like Clinton to make one’s case.  Clinton doesn’t even like Obama, not the man and not his politics.  Clinton was as radical as Obama at first, but he was smart enough to recognize that in order to be re-elected after the GOP took control of Congress in 1994, he had to work with Gingrich.  Obama learned no lessons from the GOP taking control of the House in 2010, and that is why he will lose in November.

      Burt

      • Mariop

        Burt, you’re right. Bringing up a president from the past with somewhat embarrassing history is a bit awkward, but he did manage to give the Dems a nice push towards the finish line. The GOP doesn’t have such a luxury from their predecessors. Instead of a push, the GOP would get a nice tug, make that a shove, backwards. ;) 

  • bonaparte3

    Excellent article.

    • BurtPrelutsky

       Thanks, Bonaparte.

      Burt

  • larry w.

    Burt, you are the best thing since sliced bread!  I nearly fell out of my chair reading the line that “they should have brought a loaf of bread with them, with all the baloney of display”.  Thanks,  Larry W.

    • BurtPrelutsky

       Larry: My pleasure.  I’m glad something good came out of Charlotte, even if it was only my article.

      Burt

    • jujubeebee

      I loved that line too!   
      Biden is such an idiot.  How could anyone have voted him into being a Senator, much less VP.   He sounds like a kid shouting ~~~~~so fake!

  • venter

    Tried to watch the Dem. convention but had to turn it off.    Michelle’s story about her husband  was just that.  She has to read his book…..Harvard, Princeton, Columbia.   Let me see??   Poor student buys big house in Chicago’s  fine neighborhood. Peices of the puzzle missing.
    What  are these people drinking.  It was impossible to listen to the speaches.  I tried .   

  • Jewish Hillbilly

    Burt…

    I swear on everything that’s holy I’m not making this up.  No, I really mean it.  I’m lying on my couch donning only my underwear, watching some golf and eating some salted pretzels, which along with some spittle, came flying out of my mouth as I read this piece.  If it wasn’t so hilarious, I would have enjoyed those baked-and-salted dough sticks a lot more and would have gotten to at least finish what I put in my mouth.  Please, Burt, keep me laughing as you did today until we get rid of this not-so-funny Mistake-In-The-White-House.    

    • BurtPrelutsky

       Hillbilly: I’m generally taken to task for making people squirt coffee through their nose.  I’m delighted to find that I can sometimes carry it off with pretzels.

      Burt

      • Lawrence Brown

        Burt, drinking “homestyle” orange juice with lots of pulp whilst reading your article could be fatal!

  • Brhurdle

    It appears to me that the US has reached the point where the plurality of people either receive government assistance or have been convinced by the Democrats that they should be compensated for imagined injustices. The level of intelligence and rationality is not adequate to explain the detrimental effects on wealth creation of a redistribution mentality. I have concluded that things will not change until there is not enough wealth to redistribute and individual ambition becomes the only way to improve your circumstances in life. I just hope that we don’t destroy the US beyond repair in the process.

    • BurtPrelutsky

       Br: Amen.

      Burt

    • Drew Page

      We may have to destroy this country in order to save it?

  • captdot

    Regarding who said, ” … one thing that all Americans have in common is that we belong to the government. I forget who said it”. This was from a DNC video shown at the convention. Well, NO…I belong to no one and nothing! There are numerous things that belong to me…one is the government. It’s, “We the People”, not “You the government”!

    • BurtPrelutsky

       captdot: The Charlotte convention was such a disaster on so many levels, you might have thought it had been planned and produced by the GOP.

      Burt

      • captdot

         Agree. However, I still hear some liberal friends fawning over everyone from “The Michelle” to Debbie W-S! Even after I send data from sites, it’s the same thing. Whenever actual facts go their way, I’m the bad person for pointing things out!  Drives me NUTS!!!   Dot

      • Mariop

        DNC was a disaster? Then I must inform you the Dems walked away with a nice bump in the race. Just keep denying the obvious. Hopefully you’re not denying the warning sign your prostate is sending you.

  • GlenFS

    Well let me think a moment about what Obama’s excuse might be… oh yes, soembody else, maybe GWB.

    Whenever my little sis was associated with a minor calamity as a child, she would summon her most plaintive tone and say, “well it wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t help it”.  I think that Obama should try this instead.  The GWB excuse has lost its crediblity, so why not replace it with some distracting drama?

  • Bruce A.

    If the President grades himself as incomplete, I assume completing his agenda whatever it is would be a total loss of whats’s left of the USA.

    • BurtPrelutsky

       Bruce: I’d say you’ve captured the essence of Obama’s re-election campaign.

      Burt

  • cmacrider

    correction “ending diplomatic ties with Iran”

  • cmacrider

    Burt:  Not having watched the Dem’s convention, I am unable to comment on the speeches of Fluke ‘n Clinton.  However, I did note that while Obama was busy promoting his imaginary “war on women”, P.M. Harper was busy (a) ending diplomatic ties with Syria and (b) informing Putin that it was time he stopped supporting the Iranian regime.   Given the discrepancy of both military power and political influence in the world between Canada and the U.S.  …… isn’t there something wrong with this geopolitical picture?

    • BurtPrelutsky

       cma: Of course there’s a lot wrong with this picture.  it’s mainly that Obama and Mrs. Clinton are holding jobs that are far above their pay level.

      Burt

  • Artlouis

    Funny one.

    Honest to God, although I didn’t go to UCLA I got my only incomplete at college when I was hospitalized for mono just before the exams. All my other teachers sent the exam to my hospital room, where I completed them, but the math teacher somehow couldn’t find a way to make the exam travel a hundred yards. I would have got an A or A- if I had taken the exam on time, but by the time I did I was too fuzzy about the formulas and only got a B.  Obama too seems to know less than he did when he was elected.

    • BurtPrelutsky

       Artlouis:  I can understand it with Obama; what I can’t get my head around is the fact that millions of people who voted for him in 2008 will do so again in 2012.  Now that’s scary.

      Burt

      • Drew Page

        Burt, what’s not to understand?   How many wage earners in the U.S. pay no federal income tax?   How many are on some form of government assistance (excluding Social Security and Medicare) such as food stamps, rent subsidies, welfare checks and Medicaid?  How many are waiting for amnesty?  Do you think any of these people are anxious to vote for Romney?