Dealing With Piles

The piles I am referring to have nothing to do with hemorrhoids. For that sort of relief, I believe Preparation H is still the answer. The ones I have in mind are those that are constantly collecting on my desk in the form of notes I have jotted down about all the crazy stuff going on. And while it could be my imagination, I’m convinced they possess the ability to reproduce.

To begin with, a Nazi flag was seen flying above a mosque near the Palestinian village of Beit Omar, on the outskirts of Hebron. But that won’t stop the Jew-haters, both those inside and outside of the rat-infested United Nations, from siding with the barbaric Arabs and Muslims against Israel. Obama’s recent choice to replace Susan Rice as ambassador to the U.N., Samantha Power, has gone so far as to suggest that the U.S. military should invade Israel and force them to accept a Palestinian state. Where on earth does Obama find these people?

Speaking of our military, any president who sends them anywhere in the world to defend one sect of Muslims against another should be impeached on the spot. I say if Allah is as great and powerful as these bottom-feeders insist, let Allah protect them, and let us stay the hell out of his way.

Obama announced that he will be petitioning Congress to spend over $100 million next year to study the inner workings of the human brain. Compared to most of his brainstorms, this one’s not completely insane. Besides, the price is only twice as much as the IRS has recently squandered on conferences and videos, but why on earth does the federal government have to finance it? If it can eventually lead to cures for various physical and psychological disorders, why shouldn’t the pharmaceutical industry pick up the cost? Why is it that our tax dollars are forever burning a hole in Obama’s pocket?

I also can’t figure out why the research should be so expensive. After all, it’s not as if there aren’t plenty of brains lying around available for experiments. In Congress alone, there are hundreds of liberal brains that have never been used.

According to a recent Pew poll, 62% of the respondents believe that the GOP is out of touch with the American people. On the other hand, the majority felt that Republicans have stronger principles than the Democrats, which suggests that if Republicans want to connect with the voters and win future elections, they had better lose their principles.

In Milwaukee, it was decided at one elementary school to have a gender-bender day, with boys dressing up like girls, and girls dressing up as boys. Thanks to their sensible parents, most of the kids didn’t go along with the stupid idea; however, many of the teachers did.

What is wrong with these people? When it’s not transvestism that’s being encouraged in our schools, the tots are being forced to don burkas and pay their respects to the religion that promotes honor killings, clitorectomies, suicide bombings and war on Christianity, Judaism and America.

Be warned, parents: These are the people to whom you’re entrusting your kids for six hours a day.

Chris Matthews, who has managed to channel his inner Porky Pig and turn lisping into an art form, claims that the only reason that conservatives oppose Obama and ObamaCare is because he’s a black man. I wonder if he believes we would dislike Obama twice as much if he weren’t half white. Furthermore, does he believe that we opposed HillaryCare 20 years ago because she was a female?

For one shining moment, it appeared that the NY Times had come to its senses when it headlined an editorial “Obama Has Lost All Credibility.” But it was merely a case of temporary sanity. The Old Gray Senile Lady quickly changed it to “Obama Has Lost All Credibility on This Issue,” the issue being the monitoring of our phone calls. So, apparently, the newspaper is okay with the Benghazi cover-up; the IRS’s targeting conservatives; Operation Fast & Furious; and the VA’s taking up to two years to file the claims of injured veterans, even though, by law, it has to be done within 120 days, and in spite of the Administration’s budget having been increased by 40% over the past three years.

It’s worth noting that the ocean tides did not rise and the earth did not stop spinning in spite of the Sequester. For all of Obama’s dire warnings, otherwise known as lies, the Sequester did not represent an actual cut in spending, but merely a reduction in future increases. It’s like a 200-pound person going on a diet, but not one that would take him down to 180, but merely up to 219 instead of 220.

Finally, in the hope that I can assuage a few of those concerns that keep some people tossing and turning in the wee hours, I will share some actuarial statistics I recently came across. It seems that the odds of being murdered are 18,000-1. The odds of drowning in a bath tub are 840,000-1, but when it comes to losing an appendage to a chainsaw, the odds drop to 4,484-1. The odds of becoming president are 10,000,000-1, whereas the odds of dating a super model — and are there any other kind these days? — are 88,000-1.

All I can say is who would have ever guessed that Obama would beat odds of ten million-to-one, especially when it was twelve times more likely that he would have drowned in a bathtub somewhere along the way?

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • LAPhil

    Why have I never heard of this Bruce Prelutksy guy before? I’ve been living in L.A. for 17 years and yet all this time I’ve missed him. By God, he’s good!

  • Wheels55

    The biggest pile is in the White House.

  • Wheels55

    The brain research can’t include liberal brains because they are mostly made up of Jello, kitty cats and rainbows. However, I would be all for the study of Obama’s brain – just how does he decide to put us in these messes?

  • Royalsfan67

    He needs to spend some more time in San Francisco at the bath houses

  • DanB_Tiffin

    I am one who believes that the human race was actually lucky that Hitler and Stalin were alive at the same time to hate and fight each other. I know the cost in human lives and materials was terrible, but at least neither could win and conquer the world.
    NOW, when it comes to the Sunni versus Shiite question? I feel very similar about that. I believe you understand what I mean.

    • Wheels55

      Good point. I know that you are not saying we are lucky Hitler was alive or that Stalin was alive – but it was a good thing they existed at the same time. I guess history is full of balance like that.

      • DanB_Tiffin

        Exactly! We would have been better off without both, but. . . .

  • Darren Perkins

    He had to start doing something toward his ultimate goal of declaring sane and rational thought (otherwise known as conservatism) a mental disorder. He has to pay off the ‘scientists’ in order to get that ball rolling.

  • Jeff Webb

    “Why is it that our tax dollars are forever burning a hole in Obama’s
    pocket?”
    Damn…all this time I’d thought Obama’s pants were on fire for a different reason, Burt.

    Oh, and sorry to sound all Alex Trebek-y, but Daffy Duck had the lisp, not Porky.