Mine’s Bigger than Yours

I predicted it a couple of weeks ago, and sure enough it happened: Democrats used the one-year anniversary of the Sandy Hook Massacre to have another go at gun control. I don’t mean to suggest I’ve said anything remotely groundbreaking here; to predict something this patently, ridiculously, supernaturally inevitable would be arguably the least impressive declaration in history. Going a full week without predicting the winner of the 2038 Super Bowl would be a comparative jaw-dropper.

As if the Democrats’ chronic behavior wasn’t enough, the Republicans followed with their own display of set-your-watch predictfulness. With the reliability of a late-model Honda Accord and the attractiveness of an early-model Honda Insight, the GOP reacted with barely a whimper.

It’s stupid enough, always being forced to respond to shallow platitudes by relentless, opportunistic control-quistadors. But you do need to respond, otherwise you’re Stupid’s challenged, helmet-mandated step-cousin.

The size of your response should be determined by the topic of their platitudificating, and if the topic is one of the most crucial parts of the U.S. Constitution, the size better be huge.

The Second Amendment is a nice, big, juicy plateful of rights that prevents your starvation. With freedomivorous liberals always trying to nibble it away morsel by morsel, you must make sure the statement you whip out is a real mammoth. Seriously, it needs to be so frighteningly large it makes House Democrats faint and Senate Democrats back up a few feet when you wave it in their faces. You’ll only embolden them if your response is soft, or if you remain silent and let their statements just hang there.

The mere fact the Democrats were revisiting this agenda to begin with should’ve been ripe enough for a Republican retort. There would be so many different ways to put it, too. Right off the bat I’d consider, say, “hey, that’s not fair! We didn’t use the 50th anniversary of Kennedy’s assassination to discuss the need for Democrat presidents to respect the country!” Or perhaps “we’re actually ready to work with the president—we’ll give him a call as soon as he starts enforcing all the laws he’s been ignoring.” Even something like “we were surprised the president visited Newtown; nobody told us it was declared a shame-free zone.” But what did we end up getting from the GOP? Not a dang thang.

It’s like Obama throws an easy pitch right down the middle, and Republicans stand there motionless, glassy-eyed fixation on the people in the stands, pining for their vote, all while the ball sails right past home plate and thumps into the catcher’s mitt. (I admit it’s a stretch to say Obama’s pitch actually reaches the catcher, but work with me here.)

When the gunophobes take their next shot (hey, sue me), I’d argue the best response weapon is the same Louisville Slugger liberals used to bunt us in the head when we challenged the “Patient Protection” and “Affordable” “Care” Act, aka Obamacare: ”IT’S SETTLED LAW!”

Rendering millions of Americans’ aspirin bottles empty, liberal after blustery liberal puffed out his/her waxed chest, and barked ”it’s settled law” to defend Obamacare. That’s right, we conservative Schlitzheads better keep our unmoisturized hands off their ill-advised, falsely-advertised, illegally-passed, disgustingly-vast, medicine-sullying, public-bullying, tax-showering, doctor-souring, abysmally-rated, excessively-hyphenated law. Hey, after all, it’s settled.

Well, left-wingers, you never seem to get our message no matter how forcefully or often we convey it. On behalf of every red meat conservative (and in spite of the establishment GOP emptypantses), I got your firm & forceful message right here. Your latest demand for another poke at my freedom isn’t the least bit impressive; dressing up your lust for power in some silky little speech won’t get her to put out—power is a better lady than that, way out of your league; and using tragedies and their anniversaries to advance your agenda is the mark of a tiny, pathetic person with limp character. I take one look at your character and I’m surprised you haven’t grabbed your gym bag and left in shame.

Summing it up, here’s your settled law: a thoroughly detrimental, big fat vat of control that wouldn’t even be here if not for cheating, lying, bribery, and flaccid Republicans.

Here’s my settled law: the U.S. Constitution.

Sorry to break it to you (not), but my settled law is bigger than yours.

Note from the author: during the proofreading process, it was brought to my attention by staffers that certain portions of this column may be objectionable or difficult to enjoy for some readers. Specifically, they said some of my phrasing was of a sexually suggestive nature.

I am taking my personnel’s concerns regarding this issue seriously. I sincerely mean no offense to those who would take a moment of their time to read my work, and hope nobody feels any uneasiness while doing so. My readers are the last people I’d ever want to be hard on.

And I probably don’t say it enough: I have a tremendous staff, straight up–visitors to my office always leave impressed.

Author Bio:

Jeffrey Webb is just an average, blue-collar guy who likes to write stuff. He left his home state of Vermont for California with his family at age 7 and has regretted it ever since. A 24-year veteran of the home improvement industry, his hobbies include cooking, playing the drums, and verbally savaging annoying celebrities. He lives in San Diego with his extremely patient wife and two children.
  • IHF

    Frighteningly large Pops? I find that rather hard to swallow! But rather weak compared to your previous effort. Newtown a shame free zone? Is that the best you can do? Last time they were NAMBLA child molesters. And where is the obligatory taunting of Diane Feinstein trying to stem the flow of blood with her fingers that so tickled you last time? As for your obvious penis envy problem, go down to a whorehouse and get some stickonyourdick after you sober up.

    • Jeff Webb

      Happy New Year, my obsessive little muse.

  • IHF

    Frighteningly large Pops? I find that rather hard to swallow! But rather weak compared to your previous effort. Newtown a shame free zone? Is that the best you can do? Last time they were NAMBLA child molesters. And where is the obligatory taunting of Diane Feinstein trying to stem the flow of blood with her fingers that so tickled you last time? As for your obvious penis envy problem, go down to a whorehouse and get some stickonyourdick after you sober up.

  • IHF

    Frighteningly large Pops? I find that rather hard to swallow! But rather weak compared to your previous effort. Newtown a shame free zone? Is that the best you can do? Last time they were NAMBLA child molesters. And where is the obligatory taunting of Diane Feinstein trying to stem the flow of blood with her fingers that so tickled you last time? As for your obvious penis envy problem, go down to a whorehouse and get some stickonyourdick after you sober up.

  • IHF

    Frighteningly large Pops? I find that rather hard to swallow! But rather weak compared to your previous effort. Newtown a shame free zone? Is that the best you can do? Last time they were NAMBLA child molesters. And where is the obligatory taunting of Diane Feinstein trying to stem the flow of blood with her fingers that so tickled you last time? As for your obvious penis envy problem, go down to a whorehouse and get some stickonyourdick after you sober up.

  • Nevada Doc

    If you are a white Christian with a gun, the vigilante liberals will have you hanging from a tall oak tree.

  • Ernie Goncalves

    cant we just get some rat poison and spread it around in hopes of getting rid of these damn liberals?

  • IHF

    Frighteningly large Pops? I find that rather hard to swallow! But rather weak compared to your previous effort. Newtown a shame free zone? Is that the best you can do? Last time they were NAMBLA child molesters. And where is the obligatory taunting of Diane Feinstein trying to stem the flow of blood with her fingers that so tickled you last time? As for your penis envy sober up and get some stickonyourdick.

  • sjangers

    Calling a contentious issue “settled” is just the Left’s way of saying ” ’nuff said”. It’s supposed to shut everyone else up so our deluded friends can go back to looking at the world they way they want to- and try to force the rest of us to do the same.

    Most liberals will also insist that global warming- er, climate change- is “settled” science, without being really sure of exactly what science has settled. And if any of us who pay attention know one thing, it’s that science is rarely settled. It just reaches a point where most agree to look at the evidence a certain way until someone comes along and proves that way of looking at it was wrong.

    Most of us should also be figuring that out about the less-than-Affordable Care Act some time in the next year or two. ‘Nuff said.

  • IHF

    Frighteningly large Pops? I find that rather hard to swallow! But rather weak compared to your previous effort. Newtown a shame free zone? Is that the best you can do? Last time they were NAMBLA child molesters. And where is the obligatory taunting of Diane Feinstein trying to stem the flow of blood with her fingers that so tickled you last time? As for your penis envy sober up and get some stickonyourdick.

  • nucleardeath57

    That is great!! You managed to convey outrage, hoist liberals up the flagpole and pile double entendre after double entendre.
    I was laughing so hard milk flew out my nose.
    Thanks.

    • Jeff, Author

      Thanks, ND.

      Good thing it was milk. Other substances can be so difficult to wipe off a monitor & keyboard (so I’ve been told).