Fileting Liberals

Sometimes I feel like a space traveler who has crash-landed on a very odd planet, one on which oxygen exists, but commonsense is in very short supply.

Let us consider singer Katy Perry, who insists she can’t read very well because she was home-schooled by her Christian parents. I must confess that was pretty hard to swallow because tests nearly always show that home-schooled children score much higher than those forced to attend public schools.

Now I can see where she might have a bone to pick with her parents if they’re the reason she dresses the way she does. But the fact is she attended a public high school, but decided to quit after her freshman year, suggesting that education was never very high on her list of priorities. Frankly, I’m surprised she didn’t hold her folk responsible for her one year marriage to comedian Russell Brand, a freaky-looking Brit who boasts about being a compulsive womanizer.

When Obama attended the G8 conference in Ireland, Russia made certain that the members would not discuss doing anything about Syria. Putin was well within his rights in doing so. My question is why would the United States ever belong to any group — be it the G8 or the U.N. — in which Russia has veto power?

An even better question is why don’t the few democracies in the world form their own group? What exactly do we get for our annual fees, except the risk of contamination through constant contact with the likes of Russia, China, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Venezuela and Cuba? Heck, we can’t even extradite a piece of human vermin like Edward Snowden from those places.

As I said, I often feel as if I’ve found myself on a very strange planet. The planet I would enjoy living on is the one that Obama seems to inhabit. On his, there’s no shortage of money, ObamaCare is nonexistent and nobody is being told to worry about climate change (nee global warming).

In his world, Obama gets to jet hither and yon, carting around scores of secret service agents, friends, relatives and a fleet of bulletproof limos, leaving a carbon footprint that would dwarf Pittsburgh’s; and blowing $100 million of other people’s money on a family vacation.

And after all that, Obama has the chutzpah to send me an email the day before the Massachusetts Senate election: “Burt, I can’t do it myself. I need Ed Markey in the U.S. Senate. And that’s why I need you. If we lose tomorrow, the Republicans will be one step closer to obstructing everything you and I stand for. And if we lose, it will be because we didn’t fight hard enough today. Please pitch in $3 to fight for Ed and Democrats like him.”

The hypocrisy of the man! One day I’m just another revolting conservative he wants the IRS to destroy, and the next day I’m Burt. The devil, people are wont to say, is in the details. These days, I say, he’s in the White House. Or, even more likely, on the golf course.

By now, you’ve probably heard the sad tale of Coy Mathis, the six-year-old in Colorado who decided he is actually a girl. This being America in the year of our Lord 2013, his plight naturally became a court case, and, with that, no problem finding lawyers who wish to force his school to allow him to use the girl’s bathroom.

There are certain assumptions I am willing to make about any parents who would name their son Coy. I suspect they got him started playing with dolls as soon as he popped out of the womb and encouraged him to wear dresses, which he does, never cut his hair and probably nicknamed him “Sis.” I am also willing to wager they are a pair of addlepated liberals who had prayed for a girl, but decided to take matters into their own hands once God disappointed them.

I can simultaneously sympathize with the kid and still point out how loony is the notion that gender is a matter of choice. You feel like a woman even though you are physiologically male? Fine, insist the blockheads, if you feel that way, you’re a female. It’s not unlike their approach to illegal aliens. If Mexicans decide they prefer to live in the U.S. and sneak in, they’re Americans.

How about when it comes to race? Would the ACLU argue that if a person insists he’s not white, but black, he or she is entitled to benefit from affirmative action and other welfare programs? If not, why not? If reality isn’t the determining factor when it comes to one’s gender, why should it be when it comes to race?

Although, come to think of it, for some people, reality isn’t a factor. Take Barack Obama. Here’s a guy who’s half-white, but he’d sure prefer not to dwell on it. And who can blame him?

Selling himself as a black man helped him get elected to the Senate and to beat out Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination; helped him get elected and re-elected to the presidency; and helped him fend off legitimate criticism by insisting that it’s invariably the result of racism.

Perhaps, to avoid confusion, it behooves those of us who regard him as the single greatest menace to our nation’s future to make it perfectly clear that it’s only his white half we despise.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • Darren Perkins

    If Edward Snowden is human Vermin then that would make you a parasite on human vermin. He gave up everything to warn us and you would lay down and willingly give up your rights in a cowardly fashion. Pathetic.

  • Iklwa

    Burt,

    Are you really sure there is “plenty of oxygen”?

    I keep hearing how we’re all gonna die from carbon dioxide.

    In this bizzaro world in which we find ourselves I’m betting the oxygen is being forced into the cracks between the scales of the reptilians who have come from outer space.

    So you don’t believe in the reptilians?

    The next time you see the President give a speech, watch closely and you’ll see him lick his eyes.

  • 49corvette

    Check out Jeannie Moos (CNN) Fake Reality Shows for a real “180″—or is that why Stockton , Detroit , Bakersfield , are a train wreck—at least Marilyn Monroe could act (I Think)—(Misfits , 1959)—my 2cents—thanx for reading

  • therealguyfaux

    Russell Brand “freaky-looking”?

    I suppose so, if you consider Jesus Christ, whom Brand has said he’s trying to look like, “freaky-looking.”

    Of course, it’s more like, the freaky Russell Brand looks like Jesus Christ, which fact only tends to intensify his freakiness.

  • JohnInMA

    On Katy Perry – Rhodes Scholars emerge from public schools at times. Does that mean that public education is best at preparing and educating students? Not a chance. Likewise the bad result from a disinterested student who was home-schooled.
    And on race, haven’t many progressives proven that your “assigned” race is much more about your politics than your pigmentation and origin?

  • souvoter

    Since EPA banned carbon-dioxide, must be lack of oxygen causing lack of commonsense and hey, if Elizabeth Warren can claim she is part native American, why can’t the rest of us claim a specialty. Liberals definition of ‘fair and balanced’! What a hoot!!!!!