“The World Is A Bad Soap Opera” and “It’s Not Hearsay, It’s Heresy”

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The health and fashion magazines keep telling their readers that 60 is the new 50, and 50 is the new 40, and so on. We now have further proof that college is the new high school. It seems that the SAT, an exam that is supposed to establish which 18-year-olds are college material and which ones should consider getting into politics as soon as possible, is not only making the essay portion optional, but removing difficult words from the vocabulary part of the exam.

Apparently, anyone who can spell c-a-t and is willing to hock his or her future for a college loan is now deemed to be college material.

Speaking of places that have the effrontery to claim they’re institutions of higher learning, Rutgers’ Faculty Council passed a resolution calling for the university to rescind its invitation to Condoleezza Rice to be this year’s commencement speaker. The tenured pinheads based their objection on her having played a role in the Iraq War and in “Bush’s policy of enhanced interrogation techniques.” You know, those watery techniques used on a trio of Muslim terrorists that led to our finding and killing Osama bin Laden.

I have to ask: Is there any group of individuals that is simultaneously as stupid, arrogant and self-righteous, as those to be found on our nation’s college campuses? Of course I mean, aside from the members of the current administration.

Rutgers, I should add, is the same place that paid Snooki (real name: Nicole Polizzi) of the so-called reality show “Jersey Shore” $32,000 to share her wisdom at a couple of hour-long Q&A sessions. And you no doubt had been wondering what colleges did with all that tuition money they scarf up like industrial-sized vacuum cleaners.

While we’re on the subject of education, Barack Obama took a break from a visit to a pre-school – which is a heck of a thing for a place that claims to be a school to call itself –to give a press conference. He took the occasion to say, “Putin may have a different set of lawyers making a different set of interpretations, but I don’t think that’s fooling anyone.”

Wow! Kennedy said, “Ich bin eine Berliner;” Reagan said, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall;” and Obama stands around comparing lawyers. Rumor has it that on his way out the door, a four-year-old bullied Obama out of his lunch money.

In other news of the day, I have to admit that when I heard that some young New Jersey woman, possibly a friend of Snooki, was suing for child support, I naturally assumed she was suing a husband or a boyfriend who had dumped her and their kid. But it seems that the child was herself and that Rachel Canning, 18, was suing her parents because they insisted that so long as she lived in their home, she’d abide by their rules. So she moved out and tried to get the court to force them to support her.

In a voice mail to her mother, Rachel had said: “I really just wanna s— all over your face right now because it looks like that anyway. Anyway, I f—— hate you and I’ve written you off. I’m blocking you from just about everything.” Isn’t that just like kids? They’ll say the nastiest things imaginable, but they’ll leave the door open a wee crack so you can still pay their bills.

In his decision, Judge Peter Bogaard ruled in favor of the parents, saying that to do otherwise “could open the gates to a 12-year-old suing for an X-Box or a 13-year-old suing for an iPhone.”

If I were the president, I’d have Judge Bogaard, clearly one of the very few sensible jurists in America, on my short list for the next opening on the Supreme Court in spite of that annoying extra “a” in his name.

At the very least, Ms. Canning should not have been allowed to sue for child support, but, rather, for brat support.

Moving on, I’d like to see the day when any American citizen who has the time and money to bring a lawsuit against the federal government is considered to have standing before the Supreme Court. For instance, the Affordable Care Act, which was strong-armed into existence four years ago by Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, doesn’t directly affect me. But as an American, why should I have to stand idly by while the bill wrecks the economy, destroys healthcare for millions of my fellow citizens and allows the president to shred the Constitution a little more every time he arbitrarily, and for purely partisan reasons, bypasses Congress and changes it by executive fiat?

And, finally, what the heck does Lois Lerner have on those guys on the Congressional Oversight Committee? Twice, she has refused to answer questions about the IRS scandal, once illegally hiding behind the Fifth Amendment after she had already spoken for the record, and twice she has been allowed to traipse out the door into that nutty parallel universe where she is still being allowed to collect her IRS pension.

In my world, contempt of Congress is regarded as an appropriate attitude. But, legally speaking, it also happens to be a crime that carries with it jail time. So why isn’t she being led out of the room in shackles with both incarceration and an IRS audit in her future?

This is a question I would love to be able to put to Committee Chairman Darrel Issa, but I suspect he, too, would take the Fifth.

It’s Not Hearsay, It’s Heresy

Several hundred years ago, an Italian astronomer named Galileo Galilei, which sounds like something a Swiss shepherd might yodel, was found guilty of heresy and placed under house arrest for insisting that the earth revolved around the sun. Unfortunately for Signor Galilei, this contradicted Church doctrine that had long contended the earth was the center of the universe.

Today, polling shows that one in four Americans actually believes that the sun spins around the earth. But it’s not because the Church tells them falsehoods. Rather, it’s because they’re stupid and because they, like the knuckleheads who parrot the nonsense about man-made global warming, are convinced they are dealing with “settled science,” a term concocted by liberal nincompoops for the purpose of silencing logical skeptics.

What those who stand to profit from the billion dollars Obama wants to set aside for those engaged in the climate hoax never tell you is what would be so terrible about a little more warm air. Oh, I know that Al Gore fed us a bunch of bull about melting ice raising the ocean level 20 feet and drowning polar bears and loons in San Francisco, but nobody has seriously paid any attention to the buffoon since he announced he invented the Internet.

If the earth warmed up so that people on the Atlantic coast would stop freezing every winter and the English could once again grow grapes, I think those would be good things. But, then, I also thought it would be swell if the Pacific Ocean wiped out all the polar bears and also took out the coastal regions of California, Oregon and Washington, wiping out 90% of west coast progressives.

Speaking of Oregon, it seems that Trader Joe’s won’t be opening a store in Portland because, according to a group of louts calling themselves the Portland African American Leadership Forum, “the store would increase the desirability for non-oppressed minorities” to shop there.

Portland, in an attempt to bring some prosperity to the neighborhood, offered a two-acre parcel of empty land appraised at $2.3 million for $500,000 to encourage development. The project was to include two large anchor buildings and 10 retail shops. What’s more, the construction was to be done by a company owned by blacks.

But that was before the PAALF weighed in with their objections. And you can understand their position. After all, who wants to have those damn white shoppers contaminating the hood? You’ve got to keep things pristine for the local pimps, hos and drug dealers.

Before you get too depressed, I’m delighted to report that the United Auto Workers lost in its attempt to unionize the VW plant in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Part of the reason could be that a starting worker was already earning $19.50-an-hour, whereas their counterparts in Michigan start out at $15.50.

In fact, as historian Ron Radosh pointed out in a recent article, membership in the UAW has fallen from a high of 1.5 million to the current 400,000. In addition, Michigan, which back in the days of union boss Walter Reuther, was the most unionized state in the union, is now strictly right-to-work. The writing is clearly on the wall; at the rate at which people are finally waking up, industrial unions will soon join those damn polar bears on the endangered species list.

Founding Father James Madison once wrote: “In framing a government to be administered by men over men, the great difficulty lies in this: You must first enable the government to control the governed, and next oblige it to control itself.”

But there’s the rub, as we’ve watched Barack Obama assume the very powers that Madison, Jefferson and Adams, tried so hard to keep out of the hands of some future power-mad tyrant whose role model, alas, wasn’t George Washington, but, rather, King George III.

Finally, when I heard the news that a few flakes were closing down the nation’s capital, I jumped to the happy conclusion that the media was finally catching on to the truth about the current regime and its traitorous enablers at the Justice Department, the EPA, Health & Human Resources and the IRS.

But, to my chagrin, it seems they were only referring to the latest snow storm.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/