Kneejerk Jerks

What is so astonishing about liberals is that they aren’t just wrong occasionally or even wrong more often than not. What is truly amazing is that they are always wrong about everything.

To grasp how remarkable that is, years ago, when quiz shows ruled the roost on TV, I had an uncle whose picture you would see if you looked up “ignorant” in the dictionary. One day, he announced that the shows were rigged. His conviction was based on his belief, as he put it, that “Nobody’s that smart!” He refused to believe that anyone could know so much about boxing or science or Shakespeare.

Naturally when it was discovered that Charles Van Doren was fed some of the answers on 21, Uncle Morrie was vindicated. “Aha! See? I told you so!” The fact was the producers had helped Van Doren cheat. But that was because he had proven to be a very popular contestant who helped hype the show’s ratings as he defeated one challenger after another week after week.

But none of that mattered to Uncle Morrie. So far as he was concerned, if Van Doren cheated, so had everyone else who had wowed the world with their encyclopedic knowledge of various subjects.

My point is that, dumb as he was, Uncle Morrie was right once in his life, and was, I’m convinced, the last leftist about whom that can be said.

Moving on, I always say that with America swirling down the drain of history, we conservatives have to grab our laughs where we can. I grabbed one recently when Barack Obama, addressing the annual Prayer Breakfast, actually said, with a straight face no less, it was the duty of those in power to be humble!

Comedian Chris Rock, not to be outdone by a mere politician, said, “Barack and Michelle Obama are kinda like the Mom and Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something, you listen, and when you don’t it will usually bite you on the ass later on.”

If Barack and Michelle are Rock’s notion of the ideal parents, things must be even worse in the black community than a 71% rate of illegitimacy had led me to believe.

A friend recently sent me an old TV commercial in which Roy Rogers was peddling something called the Quick Shooter hat to a couple of kids. It was a cowboy hat that had a secret compartment in which a toy pistol was concealed. So long as the other kid lived by the code of the Old West and gave you the opportunity to take off your hat and press a little button, the gun would pop up and shoot him.

If it were still around today, New York’s Governor Cuomo would have no choice but to outlaw cowboy hats, no matter how many people explained to him that hats don’t kill people; people kill people.

In the next state over, New Jersey Democrats are introducing legislation that calls for employers to consider a convicted felon’s job qualifications before being allowed to ask him about his criminal history. I suppose that’s better than not being allowed to ask him any embarrassing questions at all, but if I were hiring, that would be my first question; not my last.

Why would I want to hire a criminal when there are all those honest people out of work? At least if the guy without a mile-long rap sheet rips you off, it will come as a big surprise. And that’s very important because although the financial loss might be the same, the difference is that your wife and friends will be able to say, “That’s a shame” instead of “Well, duh!”

I was recently reminded that in the old days, Washington, D.C., was built on a marsh. That means that those words uttered at the graveside of a person, “from dust to dust,” could well be changed to “from swamp to swamp” at the graveside of Pelosi, Reid and Obama’s America.

Speaking of our nation’s capital, I am reminded that when it comes to hypocrisy, there’s little difference between conservatives who complain about their kids being corrupted by left-wing teachers, but continue to send their offspring to public schools, and liberal presidents and congressmen who pay lip service to public education, but invariably send their own offspring to private schools.

On balance, I think the conservatives are a lot worse. Hypocrisy aside, at least the liberals prove they’re sincerely concerned about who’s teaching what to their kids.

Most conservatives, on the other hand, should be charged with child abuse.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • 49corvette

    Guy Madison was on the “Sugar Pops” cereal box long ago—complete with his 45 pistol—figured it out even at 7 or 8—”That’s one of the Good Guys”—somewhere in Scripture a reference exists to those that call Evil Good—and Good Evil—BTW can’t wait to see how Tommy Lee Jones portrays Macarthur—as a father of 3 children who went to public school—have found that only Me was mostly responsible for the example set to those kids—Obamas kids no doubt will have plenty wordly vision served to them—I guess the opposite extreme ( not good either ) is “Chumlee” on “Pawn Stars”—my2cents—thanx for reading

  • sheila0405

    I always dreamed of becoming a grandmother when my children grew up. Now, I believe that my dream would really be a nightmare, as my grandchildren would be the ones trying to survive in an America saddled with debt, and controlled by the Chinese. Those schools had better start teaching Mandarin. So far, no grandkids and that’s sadly okay with me.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Sheila: Worse yet, your grandkids might have been among the young voters who gave Obama a 7,000,000-vote plurality that Romney was unable to overcome.

      Burt

  • JohnInMA

    Your words about schools and the difference between how hypocritical conservatives and hypocrtical liberals handle it reminds me of a statement my wife has made in the past. Conservatives often push for changes (or complain) about things that affect “us”. Liberals almost always push for changes for the benefit of “them”. That so many liberals send their kids to private school is a great symbol of that.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      John: When you obviously have a brilliant wife, I’m wondering why it took my efforts to lure you away from the darkside of liberalism.

      Burt

      • JohnInMA

        Hmmm. I guess I was once what I call a ‘classical liberal’, which to me means more libertarian using modern definitions. I have always found progressive ideology to be equal parts dangerous and offensive. And I find darksides in people on both sides, in addition to the ideology. Some of the language used to ‘label’ or describe illegal immigrants is just as repugnant as the support for very late term abortion, in my world.

        • Burt Prelutsky

          John: But at least people should be permitted to label illegal aliens illegal aliens without having to use any of the euphemisms that have been coined by liberals.

          Burt

          • JohnInMA

            I’m all for accurate descriptions. Too many slip into the realm of slander, and worse, in their choice of words used to identify groups. It’s the “them” mentality at work.

          • Burt Prelutsky

            John: I agree on the importance of accuracy. But that means that with so many millions of illegals taking advantage of freebies and a great many others committing crimes, we knock off referring to all of them as “honest” and “hardworking.”

            Burt

  • cmacrider

    Burt: Since most convicts will readily admit that they learned most of their “qualifications” for their chosen profession in prision, one would think that the NJ Democrats would consider it only natural to ask which “school of higher learning they attended BEFORE you asked exactly what they had learned.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      cma: An excellent point.

      Burt

  • GlenFS

    Ah, with regard to Obama’s humbleness, I have personally found a useful metric: whatever he says pretty much means the opposite of what he actually said. Thanks for another good one, Burt!

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Thank you, Glen.

      Burt

  • Wheels55

    Ahhh, the simple days of singing cowboys. These days, it would be racist to have a white singing cowboy. Today’s movies and TV would have a black / Jewish singing cowboy that only had a vegetable in his holster.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Wheels: And no doubt his talking horse would say, “Is that a carrot in your holster or are you just happy to see me?”

      Burt

  • artlouis

    Your Uncle Morrie deserves better from you. He sounds like my definition of a good journalist.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Art: These days, I suspect even Uncle Morrie would define “good journalist” as an oxymoron.

      Burt