Liberology 101

More than a few conservatives are in full agreement with Winston Churchill’s “(i)f you’re not a liberal at age twenty you have no heart; if you’re not a conservative at age forty you have no brain” quote. Implied in that is something I’ll freely admit until my expiration date: I was liberal as a younger man, and I was pretty danged brainless to boot.

When someone moves to the other side of the aisle, it’s more typical for the move to be from left to right. It’s only logical, since growing more mature usually means becoming far less impractical, naïve, and emotional, three qualities that liberals wear like a form-fitting Riddler costume. That’s not to suggest that every liberal Democrat adult is childish, although several of them currently in power almost make you wonder if the bottles they keep in their desk drawers contain Yoo-Hoo. I also don’t mean to suggest that conservatives cannot be immature. Every father of small children, conservative or whatever, is partly an overgrown boy who loves having an excuse to play Hide-&-Seek and build Lego houses again…so I’ve heard.

Ronald Reagan’s defection to the Republican side was because, as he eloquently put it, “…the Democratic Party left me.” I converted at a younger age than Reagan–I was in my late twenties when one fine day Reality cornered me behind the gym and took my lunch money.

Regardless of age, I don’t doubt that some disillusioned Republicans go through a lot of consideration before leaving the GOP, which currently is barely more respectable than a blown colon, but I do question the cognitive ability of anyone who thinks the Democrat Party is the place to leave for. It’s like getting fed up with the cheap brand of gasoline you’ve been buying, and replacing it with water.

For those of you who just started thinking about which side of your garden hose to park your car, I’d like to offer this free (though large cash donations are accepted) course on how to change your party from Republican to Democrat, working title Defecting for the Defective.

First, the most important rule in living like a liberal is only four words long: someone else is responsible. To show this rule’s versatility, I’ve provided three “hypothetical” examples:

1) A liberal president breaks so many key promises you start to think he gets commission each time; someone else is responsible, most likely his Republican predecessor. Don’t rule out Republicans in Congress, however, even though they didn’t have the power to so much as recommend their favorite dessert at the Capitol cafeteria, let alone force someone to keep his promises.

2) After years of the government increasing regulations & taxes like Michael Moore increases his cholesterol, businesses keep leaving the country/state; someone else is responsible, and it’s those greedy owners and executives selfishly trying to keep their profit margin from dropping below 4%, duh.

3) A thirty-something female activist with a sense of entitlement larger than Montana & Idaho plus part of Wyoming goes to a Jesuit university for the express purpose of demanding the school violate doctrine and buy her a non-essential personal item at a 2,500% markup. You should give this girl your support, even if you’re not a single man looking for a date, because as you know, again,  someone…else…is…responsible. In this case it appears to be Mr. Anyone But Her, Jr., of West Buyyourownfrickinbirthcontrol, Maryland.

The second-most important rule for liberals is only two words long: you’re exempt. Let’s face it, while you might feel great knowing there are liberal laws in place, the feeling isn’t quite so great when you’re the one being felt up by those laws.

You may think Al Gore wouldn’t use more natural resources in a month than Las Vegas’ tourism industry uses in a year. You may also think the politicians who voted for Obamacare (the “Deplorable Care Act,” officially) would have allowed the Republicans to insert language making politicians subject to the law like everyone else. Hell, you may even be under the impression that well-to-do Democrats who oppose school vouchers for poor kids would enthusiastically send their own kids to public school. Well, you may want to ease up on the drinking then, because Gore and the rest would sooner shoot themselves. They certainly could if they wanted, being exempt from gun control laws and all. Just because people bear a social responsibility doesn’t mean you should too.

Besides the two aforementioned rules, knowing the following “truths” will come in handy as you swim deeper into the liberal pond:

Condescending to black people doesn’t insult their intelligence; even insulting their intelligence doesn’t insult their intelligence.

Most of the time billionaires are a bunch of selfish, unappreciative aristocrats, except for the couple of minutes it takes them to write a check to a campaigning Democrat.

Displaying a cross on public land is unacceptable, unless the cross is pickling in pee and the land happens to have a museum on it.

If you’re a New Englander who got rich marrying heiresses, you’re a noble American statesman. If you’re a New Englander who gave away his inheritance and got rich creating a very successful company from the ground up, you’re a bucket of radioactive tofu.

Feeling a little dumbfounded? Having trouble focusing? Great! Not only are you cut out for liberal life, you could run for Vice President of the United States.