Nuts at the Round Table

As you alert citizens are no doubt aware, it has been an unusually busy week in Washington, Dysfunction Central. I mean, it’s really kickin’ over there. The bustling-ness has gotten to the point where most members of the Legislative Branch found themselves on the verge of breaking a sweat, forcing their aides to hurriedly crank up the air conditioning. Yes, widespread unrest rattled countless well-coiffed melons of the powerful people who “represent” us, their bodies teeming with frightened calories dreading the possibility of being burned.

All this hecticity has spurred a great deal of conversation amongst a great deal of people, ranging from TV personalities to barfly non-personalities. In an effort to put some focus on a couple or so of these national topics, some gracious individuals from assorted fields have agreed to take part in a round table discussion. I’m joined by two TV pundits, one conservative and one liberal, as well as a Democrat state governor, a moderate doctor of obstetrics and gynecology, and an undecided college student. The three high-profile guests have asked to remain anonymous, so for this occasion I have given them pseudonyms.

Jeff Webb: We’ll start with the number one topic on Americans’ minds: Obamacare. What is the general attitude of people you all see, be they friends, clients, colleagues, or strangers?

“Matthew S. Criss”, liberal pundit: You know, I visit all sorts of places, and no matter where I am the attitude is positive. I mean, whether I’m at a Manhattan coffee shop, a Manhattan clothing store, a Manhattan gym, a Manhattan deli, or a Manhattan cobbler, people just love this delightful law that our wonderfully excellent and wonderful president has blessed upon us.

“Seamus Hennessy”, conservative pundit: It’s the same as always where I am. The conservatives are very rightly against it, while liberals love it. What’s worse, they still give the president a pass no matter what, even when he says Republicans want to throw Granny off a cliff or want dirty air and dirty water.

Hugh Jovaries, OB/GYN: It’s mostly my patients who comment on Obamacare, and I haven’t heard anything positive. It’s the same with a colleague of mine…he only hears complaints from his patients except for two of them. Believe it or not, one was hopeful that the new law would require gynecologists to heat up their instruments before every examination.

JW: Out of curiosity, what did the other one say?

HJ: Nothing, she’s deaf-mute.

“Perry Bronze”, Democrat Governor: Most of the people I’ve encountered are unhappy about the Affordable Care Act. It’s frankly surprising to me, since the majority of voters in my state elected me. You’d think I would have come across more smart, happy people instead of a bunch of ungrateful sludgeheads.

(“Blue Bayou” ringtone from cell phone) Excuse me, I have to take this. (Leaves room.)

Troy Ota, sophomore, San Diego State University: Most of my peers don’t talk about political stuff. I’d say 75% of the overall frats are pro-Obamacare. I’ve noticed that 100% of those frats are the ones with the most alcohol-related citations. Probably a coincidence.

JW: Do any of you see a solution for the budget impasse in Washington D.C.?

MSC: It’s simple, really. I say we should just give the president all the legislative power in the country, and I mean only Barack Obama, never any other president. I’m amazed that nobody else has suggested this, knowing what a perfectly magnificent, supreme man he is.

JW: Matthew, please stop whatever it is you’re doing over there and keep both hands where we can see them. Any solutions from the rest of you?

TO: We could, like, cuff his hands to the table.

JW: No, for the gridlock in D.C..

TO: Oh. I don’t know, but I’ve heard my sociology professor say fining drivers who don’t carpool would fix that sort of thing.

HJ: Actually, I think by gridlock he m…never mind. At this point, we should just throw out all the convoluted crap and drastically streamline it. I’m thinking maybe flip a coin, and winner’s law gets passed.

SH: Oh, if only it were that simple! You know that if Obama ever lost a coin-flip, he would demand best out of three, and then best out of five, and so on until he wins. We’re talking about the guy who claimed Republicans wanted to throw Granny off a cliff and want dirty air and dirty water, don’t forget.

JW: Forgetting that apparently isn’t an option with you. Group, based on what you’ve seen up to now, what do you think it’ll be like when Obama’s presidency comes to an end?

MSC: When his presidency comes to an end? Oh, God, PLEASE don’t make me answer! I just, I…I can’t (sob) bear to imagine this…(sob)…this amazing dream-come-true ever ending. EVER! Without him, I…well, I just don’t know…(sob)…excuse me…(leaves room in hysterics)

PB: (Returning) Sorry for the interruption, guys. Say, anyone have a hanky? I caught some overspray when that other guy passed me in the hall.

HJ: Here’s mine, and keep it. (To the group) As a physician, I’ve had theory about the end of Obama’s presidency, kind of a fear actually. Know how recently-widowed people have been known on occasion to pass away not long after their spouses have? You know, essentially dying of a broken heart? Anyway, based on the way this guy’s synapses fire, I can’t help but think he just might die psychosomatically on his last day in office, from the sheer heartbreak from no longer being the most powerful person in the world. If not that, I wouldn’t rule out him bringing the whole thing to a tragic end well before 2016 by, fervently believing he has the ability to fly like Superman, jumping off the White House roof.

PB: Oh, so now you’re a gyno AND a shrink? Who do you think you are, making statements like that about the president’s mental state?

HJ: I also have a degree in psychology, Governor. Third in my class at Johns Hopkins.

PB: (Chuckles) Pfft, only third.

TO: I totally predict it’ll be epic. Just watch, he’ll leave office as the first black president to leave office!

SH: I guarantee he’ll leave the country in worse shape than when he began, the whole time blaming Republicans and saying mean-spiritied stuff like they want to throw Granny off a cliff, dirty air & dirty w…

JW: Dude, just shut up. Last question for everyone: how do you think history will treat Obama?

PB: I think he’ll be treated kindly, just like he deserves. Heck, if he were to establish a federal high-speed rail system, he’ll be remembered as the undisputed, greatest president of all time.

TO: Just watch, history will treat him like the first black president to be treated by history! Or something…

HJ: Don’t strain, kid. My prediction? History will say he’s the first president to practice proctology on 300 million people without a license.

SH: Dirty air, di…

EVERYONE: DUDE, SHUT UP!!!

Author Bio:

Jeffrey Webb is just an average, blue-collar guy who likes to write stuff. He left his home state of Vermont for California with his family at age 7 and has regretted it ever since. A 24-year veteran of the home improvement industry, his hobbies include cooking, playing the drums, and verbally savaging annoying celebrities. He lives in San Diego with his extremely patient wife and two children.
  • DanB_Tiffin

    “Nip the shoots of arbitrary power in the bud, is the only maxim which can ever preserve the liberties of any people. When the people give way, their deceivers, betrayers, and destroyers press upon them so fast, that there is no resisting afterwards. The nature of the encroachment upon the American constitution is such, as to grow every day more and more encroaching. Like a cancer, it eats faster and faster every hour. The revenue creates pensioners, and the pensioners urge for more revenue. The people grow less steady, spirited, and virtuous, the seekers more numerous and more corrupt, and every day increases the circles of their dependents and expectants, until virtue, integrity, public spirit, simplicity, and frugality, become the objects of ridicule and scorn, and vanity, luxury, foppery, selfishness, meanness, and downright venality swallow up the whole society. ”

    — John Adams, Novanglus Letters, 1774

  • sjangers

    Jeez, Jeffrey, did you have to mention the end of the Obama presidency in front of Matthew? What a thrill-kill.

    • Jeff, author

      A mistake I won’t be making again–took hours to Shop-Vac the tears and drool out of my carpets.