THE PRESIDENT’S SECRETARY ENTERS THE OVAL OFFICE
SECRETARY: Sir, the chief demographer of the United States is here.
PRESIDENT: Show him in.
DEMOGRAPHER: Mr. President, I…
PRESIDENT: Be quick about it. I still have to finish writing my speech for tonight, ordering all registered Republicans to wear yellow armbands.
DEMOGRAPHER: That’s exactly why I am here, Sir. Your chief of staff asked me to help determine the demographic composition of the sixty people who will stand behind you during the speech, looking bored and clueless.
PRESIDENT: Isn’t that a fact? Where do we get all these dummies? What sort of nitwit wants to stand behind the speaker during a speech, instead of sitting down and facing him?
DEMOGRAPHER: It helps that we give them each a $100 appearance fee, Sir.
PRESIDENT: Dear me, maybe Speaker Boehner is right and we have a spending problem. Not!!
DEMOGRAPHER: Just curious, Sir, but do you expect Speaker Boehner to object to this order about the yellow armbands?
PRESIDENT: That wimp? Are you kidding? His office has just issued a statement saying that he won’t contest the armband order and will save his political capital for the next battle. That’s what they say every time I challenge them now.
DEMOGRAPHER: I did see a TV report that Premier Netanyahu of Israel has lodged a protest with our State Department. He says the yellow armbands call up bitter memories among Jews.
PRESIDENT: That lying bastard! Maybe he’d like a drone up his tukhes. I am sure Chuck Hagel would be happy to give the order.
DEMOGRAPHER: Maybe you‘d like to look at my preliminary plan.
PRESIDENT: I’m not sure this is necessary. Why not just round up the usual blacks, Hispanics and women who stand behind me at every speech?
DEMOGRAPHER: That’s why the chief of staff called me, Sir. He said that the groups standing behind you all look the same. In fact, many of the same people stand behind you at every speech.
PRESIDENT: Is he sure? You know, all Hispanics look alike.
DEMOGRAPHER: Positive, Sir. We checked the lists of people who have received appearance fees. How about if this time we have a few whites who are not women?
PRESIDENT: Whites? Are there any of those left? I thought they all fled to New Zealand. Why should we give those bigoted, anti-abortion homophobes a place of honor on the presidential platform? It won’t be long before they all are wearing yellow armbands anyway, and required to be indoors by 6 p.m. every evening.
DEMOGRAPHER: Actually, there are a few white Democrats.
PRESIDENT: Well, OK, include them if you must, but put them far off at the ends of the group, so they won’t be noticed when the camera is tight-focusing on me. Anything else?
DEMOGRAPHER: I would like to suggest that we save a place for an Indian. They are abundant enough to deserve one place out of sixty.
PRESIDENT: You mean those guys who operate 7-11 stores? They probably are all here illegally. Not that that’s bad…
DEMOGRAPHER: No, Sir, I am thinking of what are called Native Americans.
PRESIDENT: Oh, OK, but how can anyone tell them from the Hispanics?
DEMOGRAPHER: We can provide a war bonnet from the Smithsonian.
PRESIDENT: Fine, but do me a favor and put him off on the end with the whites. By the way, I am surprised that you haven’t suggested that we put old people up there. There’s a helluva lot of them. Frankly, I would just as soon not have anyone standing behind me who is too old to play a fast game of basketball. At some point my death panels are going to have to pass judgement on them. I would feel funny about having them onscreen with me.
DEMOGRAPHER: I hadn’t even thought about old people, but I would like to recommend that we have a Samoan. I don’t believe we have ever had one appearing at any of your speeches.
PRESIDENT: There is a reason for that. Have you ever actually seen a Samoan? They all look like giant medicine balls. Michelle would raise holy hell.
Copyright © 2014 BernardGoldberg.com