Obama Singlehandedly Saves America from the Storm

THE SCENE: A rural farmhouse. It is daytime, and a light drizzle is falling. There is a knock at the door. The farmer opens the door.)

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I’m President Obama, and I’m here to help you. I have personally taken charge of all emergency activities as Hurricane Sandy approaches. It is important for me to seem presidential, which hasn’t been the case up till now, and I figure that anyone I help personally will certainly vote for me. How has the storm affected you, and what can I do for you? Do you need me for any repairs? Are there any power lines down on your property?

FARMER: Well, it’s not much of a storm yet. I’m not aware of any damage.

OBAMA:  I noticed considerable flooding as we were coming this way. There was a long stretch of deep water over that hill.

FARMER: Oh, you must mean the river. It’s always there, there’s no flooding involved.

OBAMA: A river? Now I feel kind of silly. I got out of the car and walked across the surface, just to keep in practice. I thought it was a flood.
FARMER: In that case you had better go back outside and wipe your shoes on the mat.

(SEVERAL MORE PEOPLE ENTER, INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT’S AIDES, MEMBERS OF THE SECRET SERVICE AND PEOPLE CARRYING TV CAMERAS AND SOUND EQUIPMENT.)

OBAMA: Let me introduce you to my associate, Mr. Axelrod. He is here to make sure I don’t say anything foolish. And by the way, do you mind if these network reporters set up in your living room?

FARMER: They can go ahead, but it’s not a very big room.

OBAMA: This is going to be a big, serious storm. Are you prepared to evacuate? If someone tells you to evacuate, you mustn’t argue, just evacuate.  Doesn’t that sound presidential?

FARMER: There has been no call for evacuation yet, but I will certainly keep in mind what you said.

OBAMA:  Let’s forget this stupid storm for a minute and talk politics. I was all set to fly to Vegas again and raise some money, but now…

AXELROD: …but now you welcome the opportunity to help the American people in a vital and fundamental way. You will show them that Benghazi was a fluke, and that you really do give a damn if Americans, or at least those who vote Democratic, live or die. Isn’t that so, Mr. President?

OBAMA: Whatever you say, David. Mr.Farmer – what is your name?

FARMER: McNaughton.

OBAMA: That sounds like a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant name. David, are you sure we are in the right place?

AXELROD: Let me go out to the car and check the GPS. (He exits.)

OBAMA: Mr. McNaughton, do you intend to vote for me?

FARMER: I hadn’t intended to.

OBAMA: Is there anything I can do to change your mind? How about a free cellphone? Food stamps?

FARMER: I don’t think that would do it. We don’t have reception out here, and I grow my own food.

OBAMA: Anything else I can do to win your vote? Free contraception? How about if I patch that cracked tile on the kitchen floor? I really need your vote. In a swing state like this, one vote could make the whole difference in the election result.

FARMER: Oh, I don’t want to bother you. I’m used to the cracked tile. And my wife is beyond child-bearing age.

OBAMA: Say, isn’t that a gun hanging on the wall?

FARMER: Yes, but it’s not loaded. (Glances sheepishly at the Secret Service men.)

OBAMA: And isn’t that a Bible on the table over there? It looks like a Bible. I remember actually touching one when I was sworn in as President.

FARMER: Yes, it is a Bible. The King James version.

OBAMA: You wouldn’t be one of those bitter clingers, would you?

AXELROD: (Re-enters.)  Boss, somebody BLEEPED up bigtime. The GPS says we are in West Virginia, not Virginia. There is no way we can win this state’s electoral votes.

SECRET SERVICE MAN: Mr. President, there is a group of angry men gathering out front. They are carrying signs. They seem to be unemployed coal miners.

OBAMA: Is there a back way out of here?

FARMER: Yes, but the house backs up against another river.

OBAMA: Oh, brother. (Looks down at his wet shoes.) Time for another miracle.

Author Bio:

Arthur Louis spent more than forty years as a print journalist, with the Philadelphia Inquirer, McGraw-Hill, Fortune magazine and the San Francisco Chronicle, but he is not asking for sympathy. He is the author of two non-fiction books: The Tycoons, and Journalism and Other Atrocities, as well as a novel, The Little Champ. In retirement, he has decided unilaterally that he is a profound political pundit.
Author website: http://bernardgoldberg.com
  • Bleakofwinter

    You people are a bunch of petulant children. You cannot give this man credit for anything. Please leave this country , you only lower our overall IQ. Even Gov. Christie who I consider immature and vile is praising Obama. Even he can rise above the fray. That doesn’t say much about y’all, now does it? Christie is handling it well too and I don’t even like him, but at least I can admit that. Funny how you bash Obama for doing the right thing but were errily silent about Bush’s response to Katrina. You just hate Obama so much you can’t give him credit for anything. I at least gave Bush credit on few things, although his failures far outweighed his miniscule successes. The aide to Africa being one of them. Now sit back losers, and watch how real president handles a hurricane.

    • NS Sherlock

      “My name is Brokeback Insane O’Bummer and I approve this ad.” 

    • Artlouis

       I don’t see Bush on the ballot this year. What is he running for?

    • Jeffreydan

        Thanks for your intellectual honesty about President Bush. I actually am curious, though. I assume BO will be getting your vote, if not already. Is there anything that could happen that would cost him your vote? 

  • Wheels55

    All of this assumes that Obama would actually care enough to talk to someone. Of course, you know it is Bush’s fault that this guy grows his own food and doesn’t want government help. This farmer is clearly old school.

    • Artlouis

       I think he would say and do anything to win, but not in a red state.

  • CCNV

    I”m disappointed that Air Force One wasn’t used to deliver pizzas to this most deserving farmer, as was done for Florida campaigners.

    • Artlouis

      They were all set to place the order until they realized that they didn’t need his vote. Even so, he will have something to tell his grandchildren.