“Republican Cannibals” and “Lower Forms of Animal Life”

The Catholic Church came up with the concept of excommunication. But as you may have noticed, such Catholic luminaries as the Kennedy clan, Nancy Pelosi, Dick Durbin and Joe Biden, all spent years promoting abortion on demand and nobody in the Catholic hierarchy even raised an eyebrow, let alone said anything about denying them communion.

However, let a Republican take two steps in any direction, and his fellow Republicans want him drawn and quartered. I’m not suggesting that we Republicans should follow the lead of our opponents and turn ourselves into robots. Frankly, I don’t know why Senate Democrats even bother going to work. Harry Reid not only decides how they’re going to vote, but even decides what legislation they’ll be allowed to consider.

I swear, Republicans don’t hate Democrats nearly as much as they hate one another. I have a group of readers who are always trying to organize a lynch mob, anxious to string up what they refer to as RINOs. Those are Republicans whose unforgivable sin is that they don’t agree 100% with them on every single issue.

Even the recent brouhaha over defunding ObamaCare caused more friction between members of the GOP than it did between them and Democrats. What they failed to acknowledge was that the fight wasn’t over an issue, but merely over strategy. They all agreed that ObamaCare was a disaster. The difference was that one faction decided it was worth decimating their ranks in a fight they couldn’t win, while the other side, insisting they alone had principles, were willing to create a hostile environment which might have terrible repercussions a year down the road when the GOP will be trying to hang on to the House and at least make a dent in the Senate.

Department of Homeland Security advisor Mohamed Elibiary had the gall to blast America’s Christians for holding the Muslim Brotherhood responsible for the attacks on Egypt’s Coptic Christians. Someday, someone will have to explain to me why anyone who is not only named Mohamed, but feels impelled to spring to the defense of a Muslim terrorist organization, is employed by this administration. After that, he can then explain to me how it is we have a president who is more comfortable sitting down with Iranian jihadists than he is with House Republicans.

Diplomacy is a con game posing as an art form. Hassan Rhuhani, the recently elected president of Iran, made his mark several years ago when he boasted that while he held the West at bay for two years pretending to negotiate a cessation of Iran’s nuclear program, the centrifuges continued to spin. But we see Obama and Kerry both pretending that diplomacy is the way to go. I guess neither of them is old enough to recall that when the Japanese hit Pearl Harbor, Japan’s diplomats were earning their salaries, expressing their peaceful intentions to FDR.

It occurs to me that perhaps a better name for what is now referred to as Intelligent Design might be Divine Design. Intelligence, after all, has its limits.

As most of you know, when it comes to books, I don’t read a lot of non-fiction. I prefer novels because I feel they are written by writers, not researchers; they are therefore concerned with style, pace and literature as an art form. Also, as a rule, they don’t regard epic length as a virtue.

But I just happen to have read a piece of non-fiction which I am happy to recommend. For one thing, I know the author of “Arguing for the Constitution,” Steven Maikoski. For another, I know he knows his subject matter, and, what’s more, he cares passionately about his subject.

I won’t deny that the book’s length, less than 100 pages, is no small part of its appeal for me. But keep in mind that the Constitution itself is a model of brevity. In an age when we take a 2,500 page health care bill in our stride, it’s worth noting that the Founders were not out to bury anyone in sheer verbiage. Unlike Nancy Pelosi, they fully expected people to read it before they signed it.

Finally, I find that when Obama gives a speech, I am, like a James Bond martini, shaken, but never stirred.

Lower Forms of Animal Life

Having spent a good deal of my life studying the behavior of politicians, particularly those in our nation’s capital, I have concluded that the Potomac River gives off noxious fumes. It’s the cause of the common malady known as Potomac fever. The usual symptoms are a loss of mental faculties, a diminished moral sense and a swelled head.

We’re all aware of the ways it affects the likes of people like Obama, Biden, Reid, Pelosi and John McCain. But even lesser lights exhibit signs of contamination. For instance, Jay Carney used to be a respected journalist, or at least as respected as a Time magazine reporter could possibly be. But once he went to work as a press secretary, he has learned to lie for a living. And not just once in a while, but every single time he finds himself standing at a podium.

Then there’s Marie Harf, who finds herself as the spokeswoman for the State Department. With her nasal delivery and her blind devotion to Obama and Kerry, she appears to be auditioning for the lead in “The Debbie Wasserman-Schultz Story.” The big surprise is that, generally, when you find someone who looks and sounds like a Valley Girl in such an elevated position, one for which she is clearly unsuited, you assume her last name would be Clinton, Pelosi or Schumer, not Harf.

Speaking of the State Department, an agency with an infinite capacity to take a terrible tragedy and make it worse, it has designated the Benghazi massacre a criminal act rather than an act of terrorism. By doing so, it has introduced so much red tape into the process that the Islamics who murdered four Americans are more likely to die of old age than to ever be executed. On the plus side, those virgins waiting for them will also be 50 or 60 years older.

Speaking of the criminal justice system, Barry Bonds, now that a federal appeals court has determined that he was indeed guilty of obstructing justice, will be punished to the full extent of the law. In his case, that means he faces 30 days of home confinement, two years of probation, 250 hours of community service and a whopping $4,000 fine. During his home confinement, Bonds is likely to find the $4,000 under the cushions on his couch.

Considering he was guilty of committing perjury while testifying before a Grand Jury, it sounds like the judges on the Court of Appeals did a little obstructing of justice of their own. Though, come to think of it, lying to a Grand Jury was what Bill Clinton did, and he still got to be president.

I am always trying to persuade wealthy Republicans like Sheldon Adelson and the Koch brothers to start swaying public opinion by buying up however many media outlets as they can afford. A liberal billionaire recently bought the Washington Post for $250,000,000. For a lot less money, conservatives could buy up local TV stations and newspapers, including Spanish-language dailies, and staffing them with conservatives.

I now have another better way for them to spend their money than on pinky rings and financing losing primary campaigns for the likes of Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum. It’s my idea that they should be saturating TV with ads demanding the Senate vote on ObamaCare. When you have the unions, large and small businesses and 60% of the voters opposed to the Affordable Care Act, you do everything in your power to force Harry Reid’s hand. Anyone who thinks the Senate Democrats who are up for re-election in 2014 will commit political suicide for a lame duck president is just plain nuts.

Finally, it was during the First Battle of Bull Run, also known as the First Manassas, that Thomas Jackson received his nickname when Brig. General Barnard Bee extorted his troops by shouting, “There is Jackson, standing like a stone wall.”

Although he’s faced no bullets or cavalry charge, Barack Obama, in his own way, has earned the same nickname. Unfortunately, in his case, he has done so by stonewalling on one scandal after another. In each case, starting with Operation Fast and Furious and proceeding through the IRS targeting of conservatives, the feds snooping on the AP and, worst of all, the Benghazi massacre and subsequent cover-up, he staved off criticism by insisting he couldn’t interfere in an ongoing investigation. Ultimately, he dismissed all of them as “phony scandals.”

I have come to realize that the major difference between “Stonewall” Obama and our dog Angel is that she does her business on the grass, while he does his on the Constitution.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • inwithandunder

    “Brig. General Barnard Bee extorted [sic] his troops?”

  • htales

    IMO there is nothing wrong with wanting to retire Republican Politicians who have voted for things like TARP, debt ceiling raises, tax increases, the Arab Spring, two-state solutions, etc. For the Conservative Electorate, the bosses, to have an unforgiving, “my way or the highway” policy towards Reps who do things like vote to fund Obamacare through Continuing Resolutions is a perfectly legitimate for way for an employer to act.

  • Wheels55

    A community organizer only knows how to organize a group that wants to listen to him. A true leader knows how to get everyone else to follow as well. Obama is the former and makes no attempt to be the later.

  • Concernedmimi

    Hit the nail on the head!;;Again, Burt…Shared on FACEBOOK…