Order the Crap Sandwich, Eat the Crap Sandwich

All things considered, any person could come spend a mere two days in my longtime home of San Diego and end up arguing it’s one of the greatest cities in America, if not THE greatest. You unfamiliars out there are probably telling yourselves, “Why, Myself, anyone who loves where he lives, like I do, could argue his town is the greatest. What idiot could have a complete change of heart simply by visiting a place like San Diego?” (If any of you who asked that question happen to live in Detroit or Oakland, that idiot was last seen in your bathroom–check above the vanity.) Anyway, just look around my city and county—we have beautiful scenery, nice weather throughout the year, well-kept neighborhoods, a mostly laid-back populace, the widely renowned San Diego Zoo, and countless other boastables. In fact, I’d say this town would become an absolute paradise if A) the Chargers’ and Padres’ current respective owners were to sell their teams to intelligent people and leave town, and B) they take every state and federal politician with them.

As nice as it is here, several months ago a little wrinkle showed up in San Diegans’ collective wetsuit, and since then, well, let’s just say surfing ain’t too awesome now. That little wrinkle is our mayor, Bob Filner, the former congressman/head of the House Bullying and Jerk-Being Committee.

The fact that a guy like Filner even became mayor is one of life’s big mysteries, like the Bermuda Triangle or Owen Wilson being paid to act. For one thing, our society is pretty shallow (it’s getting to the point where, God forbid, some weak little brat could end up president just for being black or a smooth talker). What I mean is, in a social/political climate where being attractive lands you more admirers than the guy who invents a fat-free cookie that melts in your mouth and cures cancer, Filner appears to have spent most of his seventy years on a quest to acquire every unsightly facial feature on the planet. Telegenically-speaking, the guy looks like the offspring of a deformed toad and a far less attractive deformed toad.

It’s not just that, of course. As of this writing, fifteen…no, wait, sixteen…oops, make that seventeen…okay, now eighteen, women (I’d better start typing more quickly) have come forth with numerous charges of sexual harassment, and they’re sure as Schlitz not charging that Filner was sexually-harassed by them. For the past few weeks we’ve been getting reminder after reminder, from people whose only crime was being female and in his vicinity, that Butt-cupper Bob isn’t fit to run a pair of hedge clippers, let alone the eighth-largest city in America.

It’s not like we needed any reminding in the first place. Well before all the current allegating started, the mayor wasn’t exactly the standard bearer for the golden rule, that is unless he actually finds it just peachy to be on the business end of a douchebag gun. Filner made headlines in June when he snidely accused Andrew Jones, San Diego’s Executive Assistant City Attorney, of past leaks to the press right in front of a group of city officials. It was at a closed-session meeting for discussion of the city’s legal matters, with Jones attending in place of City Attorney & Lead Filner Punching Bag Jan Goldsmith. Obviously, “Bob Filner Acts Like Complete Spamhead Toward Assistant City Attorney,” at this point, isn’t exactly a groundbreaking headline. That would be about as cutting edge as “Sun Causes Sunburn, Experts Say.” But Filner went from his spamhead status to jack-booted jerkhood when he, having tired of Jones wanting him to finally answer a question he’d been asking repeatedly, had the attorney removed from the meeting by a police officer.

Throw in that well-known pair of past incidents from his Congressman days, one involving the TSA at Dulles Airport and the other an ICE agent in San Diego County, and you’d think the majority of the non-lobotomized would know this guy thinks the power you give him is a free pass to ruin anyone’s week. At this point you’d almost have to wonder why Filner hasn’t already stolen a Meals on Wheels van, sped to the nearest Catholic school, and proceeded to urinate on small children. It’s certainly not because of a sense of common decency or a voting public who demands better. My best guess is he’s taken one too many kicks to the prostate.

So, what made it possible for this walking spank factory to land a job any more powerful than cereal box proofreader? I’m going with the big fat trunkful of hypocrisy liberals drag with them to the polls.

Our 2012 mayoral race was so easily the biggest no-brainer we’d ever seen (and remember we had 6’5 Ryan Leaf), poll officials practically could’ve gone on television the night before Election Day and said, “okay, you all can just stay home this time” with a deafening “DUH!” from every home in the city following it. The Republicans had a chance to elect a principled relative newcomer, one with private sector experience and a solid track record. Democrats, who pantingly insist they are a feathery flock of pro-gay, pro-woman, anti-bully angels, had a shot at a fairly pleasant, young, openly gay man who, pay attention now, didn’t mistreat women and bully others! It didn’t matter. Filner got the Democrat Party vote, right along with the Sociopath vote and the 72 I.Q. Magic Marker Sniffer vote. Now the Democrats have decided they’re tired of the sniveling power-thug they knowingly voted for.

Even though the recall effort is now underway, and despite Filner’s mere existence making the place I live a regular Asstown, USA, I’m not entirely convinced he should go. Just as all the people who voted for Obama ought to watch their income go down, their monthly expenses go up, and their medical care go south, the people who voted for Filner should watch their fine city decay from the contemptible cancer they chose. I’m not suggesting the guy should be allowed to continue performing his David Coppafeel act on every woman he sees; just the Democrat women. (KIDDING!) No, for the occasions when the person scheduled to meet with the mayor is a lady, I think it’d be neat to have signs posted near the mayor’s office saying “WOMEN MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY LARGE HUSBANDS, BOYFRIENDS, OR BROTHERS.”

It’s possible by the time you read this, the mayor will have cut a deal that includes his removal from office. If that is the case, maybe it will be to everyone’s benefit. I admit it could be to mine. My buddy and I bet on the total number of women who would accuse Filner of sexual misconduct. My number: thirty-four; his: every female San Diegan with a high school diploma or G.E.D.

At the current pace, it looked like I was going to be out fifty bucks.

Author Bio:

Jeffrey Webb is just an average, blue-collar guy who likes to write stuff. He left his home state of Vermont for California with his family at age 7 and has regretted it ever since. A 24-year veteran of the home improvement industry, his hobbies include cooking, playing the drums, and verbally savaging annoying celebrities. He lives in San Diego with his extremely patient wife and two children.
  • Don B

    And don’t forget the ever popular USS Midway Museum in you list of the great things San diego

    • Jeff, author

      Good call. The tour is a must-see.

  • Brian Fr Langley

    Well you’ve got to give the left some credit, for being amazingly, consistently hypocritical. Just a few stories from my home country. Quebec university students started rioting over tuition increase. Burnt cars, over turned police cars, along with genuine mayhem. (including injuries) The media wildly criticized Police for over reacting to “free speech” demonstrations when they made an arrest. The shrieking press cacophony of moral outrage reached to the skies. The exact day, this was going on, a lone elderly lady, was arrested with a single protest sign, (and subsequently jailed) Her crime, her sign said “abortion kills”, and she was too close to a family planning clinic. Why jail? She had done this kind of thing before, and the court had ordered her not to do it again. The media response. DEAFENING SILENCE. A couple years earlier in BC, when a sit in pot smoke protest went on, (with 100’s of underage children), a letter to the editor asked, where were the Police? The same paper had a photo of several dozen Police Officers (on the same day) disbanding 12 or so abortion protestors near a family planning clinic. While breaking no laws, the clinic said they were scaring away their clients, (paying customers) The paper went on the decry this violation of civil rights. NOT the RIGHTS of the abortion protestors, the right of the clinic to operate without visible protestors. (BC later passed a law to this effect). No (visible) abortion protesting within several hundred yards. My point, the hypocrisy of the left knows no bounds. Since we all know the left are for women’s rights, they’re only misguided and misunderstood when they grope, not like those women hating, misogynist conservative types.