People In Need of a Good Place-Kicking

Okay, now call me crazy, but I thought the whole ruckus surrounding the allegedly insensitive-to-Native-Americans Washington Redskins name & mascot was over. And when I say “over,” I mean OVER. Done with. Finito. Completorama. Concluderooski. This ain’t faulty reasonin’ on my part, because it was May of 2013 when Dan Snyder, owner of the Redskins, responded to the assorted offended tribespeople’s issue with what remains one of my top five favorite quotes: “We’ll never change the name. It’s that simple. NEVER — you can use caps.” I see that sort of response to the organized coercions of professional outragemongers and I’m a candidate for a massive tingle. (Don’t take that to mean I must have the hots for Snyder, ‘cause it’s not like that. Now, Jets owner Woody Johnson? Yummy.)

Even in this increasingly weenier-than-Chris-Hayes-jumping-rope-in-a-Heidi-costume culture, when a wicked-rich alpha businessman says “NEVER” and gives you permission to capitalize the entire word, one would assume the fat lady finished the song, took a bow, put away her costume, and is already home having a nightcap with the fat gentleman.

Well, that was May of last year, and sadly, December of last year comes after May of last year. That was when the Leadership Conference on Civil and Human Rights, comprised of the NAACP and other activist groups who don’t quite bring humble reservation living to mind, suggested the football team change its name and “refrain from the use of any other images, mascots, or behaviors that are or could be deemed harmful or demeaning to Native American cultures or peoples.” Then in May of this year, which also comes after May of last year, the U.S. Senate called for the renaming in a letter sent to Redskins headquarters. Even the president took a break from not fixing the VA to say he’d change the name if he were team owner. (Normally I’d take a few guesses as to the name he’d pick, such as the Corpses, but he’d have the team bankrupt before narrowing the list down to five.)

It didn’t matter to anyone that Snyder himself also spoke with Native American groups who found it totally uncalled for to make any changes; there were shallow crybabies with lots of free time on their hands, and they required satisfaction, dammit!

Except for the scope of the damage they cause, I used to think there was no difference between schoolyard bullies and determined liberals, but I was wrong. The difference is schoolyard bullies eventually give up if you keep pushing back. Liberals never stop pursuing control over others. Either their targets will finally get tired of all the repeated harassment, or the liberals will shelf the harassment and resort to threats. They’re like Bluto in Animal House (“It’s not over until we say it is!”), only less admirable & ethical.

If at some point liberals manage to scare Snyder into submission, we can at least hope his team’s new name won’t be as stupid as the one Abe Pollin, former owner of the Washington Bullets basketball franchise, picked as his team’s replacement in 1997: the “Wizards.” I say stupid because, for one thing, well, I’ll just put it this way: can anyone guess what 6-letter word is found in the title of the leader of the most despicable, anti-black organization in history? That’s right, WIZARD. Now can anyone guess the ethnicity of the majority of residents in our nation’s capital? That’s right, BLACK.

The other reason it’s stupid is because Washington D.C. doesn’t exactly inspire visions of Merlin or Harry Potter. I mean, did Mr. Pollin even pay attention when the Detroit PISTONS or the Miami HEAT came to town? Okay, “Wizards” wasn’t exactly his idea–he merely selected it from a group of fans’ submissions, but that doesn’t excuse him. To pick that limp little label over entries like “Phonies,” “Corruptocrats,” or “Power Whores” just reeks of hometown ignorance.

If I were NFL mascot czar, I would love to have some of these busybody liberal pee-pantses lay their soap box in front of my desk & share how “Washington Redskins” hurts their wittle feewings. I’d respond by treating them to a Costco-size pallet of hankies (not that they’d offer to pay for it in the first place), and promising a new, gentler team name before start of training camp. And I’d keep that promise, too, if only to put an end to the whiny little PITA’s getting their jockeys in a jostle. The next time the home team comes out of the tunnel at FedEx Field, it would be introduced as the “Washington Oppressed Native Americans Displaying a Crimson-hued Epidermis.”

Of course, let’s not kid ourselves; that won’t solve the problem, and in fact it will profoundly worsen it. Giving in to liberals’ pressure doesn’t earn their respect or appreciation, it just makes them twice as bloodthirsty. Well, this czar won’t be yearning for the company of more pee-pantses with jostled jockeys, so the names of the other 31 NFL teams would also have to be tweaked into liberal acceptability. If you’re ready, let’s hop on the slippery slope and check out the new, politically-correct NFL:

Joining Washington in the NFC East will be the Dallas Rural Racist Farm Animal Oppressors, the New York Mythical and/or Figurative Individuals of Exceedingly-enhanced Size, and the Philadelphia Endangered Cranium Folically-challenged Avians Representative of an Unjust Nation.

The fabled NFC North is now home to the Chicago Endangered Hirsute Hibernatory Mammals, the Green Bay Oppressed Workers in the Meat Transportation Industry, the Minnesota Ancient Horn-helmeted Aggressive Seafaring Norse Invaders, and the Detroit Endangered Weight & Size-enhanced Jungle-supervisory Felines.

The NFC South has the New Orleans Unjustifiably-revered Religious Hypocrites, the Atlanta Endangered Oppressed Helmeted Wrist-perched Predatory Avians, the Carolina Endangered Weight & Size-enhanced Ebony-hued Felines, and the Tampa Bay Seafaring Limb-challenged Misogynist Thieves.

The defending Super Bowl champions are now the Seattle Endangered Ocean-travelling & Beach-dwelling Avians, sharing the NFC West with the Arizona Endangered Diminutive Scarlet-hued Avians, the St. Louis Endangered Horned Feral Mountain-roaming Relatives of Adorable Oppressed Farm Animals, and the San Francisco Environmentally-insensitive Ore-panning & hoarding Greedy Land Ruiners.

As for the AFC, the Eastern Division teams will now be the Buffalo Individual Units of Paper-like Currency Used in Corrupt Capitalist Transactions, the New York Gas-guzzling, Air-polluting Sky Vehicles Utilized for Extended Transport, the New England Overzealous & Misguided Supporters of an Unjust Nation, and the Miami Endangered Intelligent Seafaring Mammals Enslaved for Demonstration of Aquatic Theatrics.

Games in the AFC North will now be played by the Cincinnati Endangered Striped Weight & Size-enhanced Felines of Asian Origin, the Cleveland Earth Tones of a Medium to Dark Shade, the Baltimore Endangered Dark Avians Associated with a Macabre Author, and the Pittsburgh Land-pillaging Representatives of the Greedy Iron Alloy Industry.

The AFC South’s clubs are hereby dubbed the Jacksonville Gas-guzzling, Air-polluting British Vehicles Manufactured for the Greedy 1%, the Indianapolis Endangered Male Equines of Juvenile Age, the Houston Residents of a Racist Southern Border State, and the Tennessee Gas-guzzling, Air-polluting Pick-up Trucks Manufactured by the Greedy Nissan Corporation.

Fans of the 2014 Super Bowl’s losing team will now root for the Denver Endangered Equines Enslaved for Purpose of Rider-bucking, especially when they face their AFC West rivals the Oakland Overzealous Acquirers of Property, the San Diego Gas-guzzling, Air-polluting Vehicles Manufactured by the Greedy Chrysler Corporation, and the Kansas City Oppressed Native Americans Serving in a Supervisory Position.

I know, the names are a bit cumbersome, enough perhaps to force the guys in the broadcast booth to take hits from an oxygen tank in-between plays, but that’s the cost of enlightened contact sports.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go flip on the telly and see if the San Antonio Metal Ankle Implements Worn by Rural Racist Farm Animal Oppressors to Abuse Their Enslaved Endangered Equines have taken the court yet.

Author Bio:

Jeffrey Webb is just an average, blue-collar guy who likes to write stuff. He left his home state of Vermont for California with his family at age 7 and has regretted it ever since. A 24-year veteran of the home improvement industry, his hobbies include cooking, playing the drums, and verbally savaging annoying celebrities. He lives in San Diego with his extremely patient wife and two children.
  • brickman

    Oh no, not ANOTHER list of people that you don’t like.You’re turning into a One Trick Pony.

    • Jeff Webb

      The title? I agree, but it was better than “Crapping on Our Turf” and “PC Bullies Want’um Scalp” for what it’s worth.

  • therealguyfaux

    Case in point: The St John’s Red Storm, formerly “Redmen.” Aside from a Tom Clancy novel, I have no idea what a “red storm” is. The St John’s team had purged all “native” associations with the name years before they changed nicknames in the mid-90′s, and by then it was supposed to signify “the SJU ‘Men in Red’.”

    A three-syllable three-word ten-twitter-character-space team nickname like “Men in Red” was apparently ruled out as being too much of a probable fig leaf, I can only surmise. nope– gotta go the whole shot and come up with an incomprehensible nickname no one really likes, to prove your liberal bona fides.

    • brickman

      As an alumnus of St. John’s who has actually touched the cigar store Indian that was the reason for nicknaming the team, I can say that the association was based on a “native” element. I hate the RedStorm moniker too but changed it because it was hurtful to some people. So why not change it?

      • therealguyfaux

        I meant that as far as the “Red Man”-as-Indian-as-public-image -of-SJU-teams had been concerned, it had not been stressed for some years before the switch, or so I had been given to understand. From the SJU site: “Although the nickname ‘Redmen’ was instituted because the athletes at
        St. John’s wore red, and did not have an original basis in Native
        American culture…” it eventually did get caught up in it due to the Chief Blackjack legend. (In any event, the name also gets caught up in an unintentional promotion of the use of chawin’ tobacco– can’t have that!) But making your team mascot Johnny Thunderbird to honor rather than ridicule Natives? You DO realize the unfortunate connotation “Thunderbird” will have with people who do not know Native lore– and how that name might be a double-edged sword in that respect? Stepping on your dicks all the way around, it seems.

        • brickman

          I believe if memory serves that the cigar store Indian was named “Chief Red Jacket”.