Please Stay on the Line, Your Call is Very Important to Us — and Other Lies

Posted: June 23, 2010 in Culture, Featured

A while back, I toyed with the idea of writing a book about service in America. I was going to call it, “Service in America Sucks.” I never wrote the book, but the premise was spot on. Service in America does suck. It sucks real bad.

Take today. Please! I called Bank of America to ask a real human being a simple question and got the recorded voice prompt routine. First the voice asked me to enter my user ID. I did. Then it asked for my pass code. I entered that. Then the voice wanted to know what department I wanted and gave me 117 choices. An hour and half later I entered the number for the department wanted. Finished at last!

Not a chance!!!

Then the voice prompt said something like “To better serve you we need to ask a few million more questions so we can both drive you freaking nuts and direct you to the right section of the right department.” Good news. Only 75 choices this time. Half an hour later, I entered another number, this time to get me to the person I needed to talk to in order to get an answer to my simple question.

Then – and I swear this is true (though I may have exaggerated a little bit about the number of choices, etc) – the recorded prompt voice said: “We’re sorry. The office is closed. We’re open from 7 AM to 10 PM Monday through Friday.” Ready for this? I WAS CALLING AT 9:30 ON A WEDNESDAY MORNING.

I also called ATT this morning – perhaps the worst company in America when it comes to customer service. After hitting 150 numbers on my key pad I finally got to the department I wanted: “DSL billing.” A real human being came on the line — or the closest you’re going to get at the phone company — and told to call Customer Service – a misnomer if ever there was one – and gave me the number. I called, and when I finally got to another semi-human being in so-called Customer Service, she told me to call “DSL Billing.” This is why normal, sane Americans go postal.

I could go on and on and on and on and on, but it would only depress you and me both. Some companies know how to treat their customers – Nordstrom and Fedex immediately come to mind. But so many others, don’t have a clue, no matter how many times that insincere recorded voice tells me to “please stay on the line because your call is very important to us.”

Hey, if I’m that important don’t tell me how important I am, show me. Don’t spend millions on ads trying to BS me into believing how good your service is, spend the money on training people to actually provide good service.

It’s one thing if a nuclear war brings us down. But can you imagine if crappy service leads to the downfall of America. That would be like the doctor telling you that you’re going to die – from a hang nail. Now that would really suck.

Gena Taylor

I have come to the conclusion that the person who invented the automated answering system is 1) going to hell and 2) ref Dante’s Inferno- they will have to dig another layer deeper than the bottom one for the evil Popes of days gone by.
I have learned a few ways to get past the system, at least one of which was mentioned above, and, in fact, was suggested to me by a kind human I finally reached after coming closer to unglued than I prefer to come – just hit zero repeatedly, they will then switch to a human. And when you get so aggravated that you start screaming obscenities into the phone, sometimes they quit messing with you, and if you are on a voice automated system, I just keep saying the single word “human” over and over again.
GE Moneybank, which does the financing for WalMart, has outsourced their phone servicing to the Phillipines and Malaysia, according to their employees, after I asked them what country they were working in, and poor ole Sam Walton has got to be twisting and turning in his grave, which is, to me, a more likely explanation for the increase in earthquakes in the middle of America than fracking.
Adrian Vance

When will some guy write a computer program that will make these calls and drive their machines nuts while you sit at your screen and laugh yourself silly watching their machine go nuts? We really need ways to strike back. I get several automated calls every day and have to deal with these systems every time I call a bank or bureau.

See The Two Minute Conservative at http://adrianvance.blogspot.com has political analysis,science and humor. Now in the top 2% on Kindle.
Bonni Axler

The thing I have to say is to please don’t take it out on the person you eventually get that answers the phone. I don’t like it any more than you do that my job (which I need to eat & pay my bills) is always threatened to be outsourced or that many of my co workers are without jobs through no fault of their own. We don’t make the rules & while this country subsidizes the companies and the rich, you got what you voted for.
Ella

An alternative title would be “Clear Evidence that I Have Never Been Outside the USA.” Where the idea of sending back a dish you didn’t order is considered ludicrous, it doesn’t occur to shopkeepers to order a shoe you will definitely buy if they have your size, and small grocery stores have three security guards who harass customers out of boredom. Please. US consumers are babied in the US beyond what anyone else considers normal.
TOMMY FREEDOM

PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE WITH WH, MR MEEK, MR SESTAK, MR
ROMANOFF, THE DECISION ON THAT CUSHY, HI PAYING JOB VERY
IMPORTANT TO US ! WE WILL FOLLOW UP WITH OUR EXPERT POLITICAL
ADVISORS, BILLY C & ED RENDELL, THEY ARE REAL PROS. THIS IS ALL
CONFIDENTIAL, YOU UNDERSTAND ! ! !
Rowdy

Oh, and Bernie…please do write that book.
Rowdy

This so-called “customer care” nonsense has been going on for almost 20-years now, and perhaps a bit longer. Implemented as a cost savings device as the “call center” technology came on line, it enabled the accountants and finance people now in charge of “running” our major corporations to reduce their “head count”, i.e. fire telephone receptionists and knowledgeable customer service agents. Now, you have fewer, far less knowledgeable people left to handle a larger call volume…so you get the “service” you got.

I largely stopped using the phone for routine personal business matters many years ago. It had become clear that the new generation of business managers had no concept of good customer service and simply didn’t care or were just entirely ignorant, relying instead on an expensive marketing campaign to bring in steady stream of new suckers. Fooey on them…there are a lot of ways to skin a cat and I have a long memory.
Trisha

Bernie, I totally agree with you. I worked in the customer service industry for years and am critical about the service I get. Service is no longer, they want your money but don’t want to give you back the service you deserve by giving them your business. I was in a large department store the other day checking out and the clerk was on her personal cell phone. She continued to talk to the person on the other line and I asked a question about the price of an item that there wasn’t one on it. The clerk gave the the dirtiest look because I interrupted her conversation. She was there to serve me and not talk on her personal cell phone. She continued to talk and grudgingly ring my order up and bag my items. I was so mad about how I was treated that I went right over to the supervisor and complained and she just basically didn’t care. I told her that I will never shop at this store again. What happened to the old saying treat people as you wish to be treated, this is how live my life and it should be the way the customer service industry should treat their customers.
Barry

Funny, My wife turned to me about 2 years ago and said ” I wish Bernie Goldberg would write a book on how bad customer service in this country is” …..
jodee1969

The biggest lie is coming from BP and the government! Read this shocking article:

http://americaspeaksink.com/2010/07/alert-giant-hole-in-floor-of-gulf-revealed-on-msnbc/
Molly

I worked in customer service all of my life, and I know how much contact with a real person can do for a business. I think that impersonal voice menus erodescustomer condidence. How isolating and frustrating it is to voice answer to a machine. Not only that, but now more often than not , there are only a few live checkers in grocery stores.. I hate that. I’m computer savvy and can used those self check out machines, but even if I have to stand in a long line, I wait for a real live cashier. People forget that voice mail menus and self checkout stations not only are cold and impersonal, but they take away jobs when this country needs them the most. I wonder if the cost of all these machines is that much more cost effective for the country. Bernie, I wish you would write that book, .
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Nancy

You’ll love this one, Bernie. I recently called a company, an American company, about an email that they sent to me asking that I contact them over some matter. I called and the phone was answered by a man with a heavy Indian accent. HE said to ME, “I’msoddymam,budIcannotunnerstanwhatyouaresaying.” I repeated myself several times. I am American born and speak very clear English. When I finally asked if I could speak to a representative who spoke fluent English, he said to me, “MamIwasbornpeakingEnglish. Ifyouwouldliketopeaktosomonelseyoucanhankupandcallback.Gudbye.” Click. Yeah, I understood right away how important my call was to them. Pffft.
- Supatida
  
  SeanChapin1 on June 24, 2011 I have tears wlinelg up watching this one of the best It Gets Better videos out there. Thank you for putting so much dedication into this video, I believe it will change lives for the better.
Thomas Morgan

One more thing. I really cannot stand to call an american company and be told to press one if I won’t English and don’t talk to me in Spanish, you’re wasting my valuable time on the phone….as Bernie stated, I have too many numbers to press already. No, this is not racial. I just believe that you should speak the language of the country that you choose to live in. We do not need to make it easier for someone to live here and not learn English!!!!!! I spent seven years in the Army and I tried to learn as much German and Korean as I could for the short time that I lived in these countries. No, I did not expect them to provide and alternate language just for me while I was there.
- Ella
  
  Except they did.
Ron Kean

I normally agree with you Bernie but I’m not with you here.

I wonder if you’re aware of the challenges of hiring and keeping $8-9.00/hour people. You hire them because you need them yesterday, train them as well as you can considering you have a bunch of other things to do, and trust that when they learn the esoteric matters of the job they stay and don’t aggravate people. Mistakes are normal.

So you try the automated route because you have millions of customers and and keep the help desk as lightly staffed as you can afford. If you pay more for the help desk you can get more and better people but it’s just one more expense.

You need your phone so you’ll figure it out. If it takes more time, that is not always too a high a price to pay. Think of it as rush hour traffic.- waiting for a table – the airport…there are a lot of people out there just like us. Patience.
- Thomas Morgan
  
  So what you are saying Ron is that they have the automated systems so they can keep you on the phone longer and keep you running around until they can get one of these $8-9.00/hour people to anwser the freaking phone. If you cannot provide excellent customer service then say you can’t and I’ll live with that. I will then go somewhere they will anwser the phone. I am not buying it. They think once they get you they can keep you. That is exactly why I no longer will deal with AT&T.
- Rowdy
  
  Sorry Ron, you’re thinking is flawed on this matter. Voice mail could help handle overload conditions, but you will have to be disciplined in responding to those who leave messages.
CCNV

My biggest complaint is calling and reaching someone in India who barely speaks English (which by the way, is where your healthcare info is/is going to be processed). As for problems with BofA, ATT, credit card companies, etc., one quick email via the BBB website resolves my complaint within 24 hours.

I agree with Elias’s idea about a human (American) voice on the other end of the phone. Let’s penalize companies who outsource, and let’s put Americans back to work!
Sandy

Regarding the service complaints, I was thinking to myself – the one company that I wanted to send this to was AT&T, until I reached that portion of you criticism about them. They are the worst and most frustrating company I have ever dealt with. I presume that you have notified them of your distress??
Sandy Robertson
- Rowdy
  
  I stopped considering AT&T for a vendor many years ago. They were one of the first to poorly automate their “customer care” BS. Abandoning them is about the only recourse you have with companies like that. And I never reconsider them again, no matter how attractive their latest “special offer” might appear. State Farm upset me over 40-years ago. Although I’m sure there have been several generations of new managers and many fine new employees added over that long period, I have lived those 40+ years happily without State Farm in my life.
http://www.clairekennedydesign.typepad.com ClaireOKC

You know, I agree with some of this. And have experienced it from just some of the companies you have named. I have also elected to either use them sparingly or not at all. I bank at a small neighborhood bank, I use local retailers whenever possible, do not give to companies that call me for donations (I figure most of their donations go toward the phone banks), and I provide the optimum service possible in my company, and expect the same from my vendors and other businesses I deal with. It’s just one small person’s effort at trying to reward excellent service and allow those that don’t/can’t/won’t serve to suffer the consequences of their actions.

Personally I think if big companies (and their management and executive staffs) would/could suffer the consequences of their poor service, this would change – but alas, that may not happen.

Great article, and still glad my little company provides excellent service. I have to – there’s just me at the top and unlike a lot of companies I care what people think of my company.
Elias

I totally agree with you Mr. Goldberg.

Don’t you think that Telephone Operator jobs should be offered to all those who are unemployed ….? No recorded voice can beat the warmness of a human voice and the good service customers deserve.
Let’s help Americans to succeed….!
Kristina L

I’ve had some annoyance with Comcast, but they still sound better than your AT&T story.

Most of the time, when I finally get to a live human (this can take a while and sometimes 2 calls because after the voice machine tries to help, sometimes it just stops), they’ve been very nice and helpful. Well, most of them. I ran into a problem with 2 people I called on the weekend, they didn’t listen and kept suggesting things that made no sense. And it’s tough trying to find out how much you pay for something specifically when you have the”bundled” package.

What gets to me is that by the time I get through the voice mail “select an option” stuff, I want to yell at someone, and even though I don’t, I bet a lot of people do.

It seems kind of silly to put in a system that makes people angry by the time they get to talk to someone.

And why can’t they take your number and call you back? I hate being on hold (to be fair, Comcast hasn’t done that to me very much).

There was another company where when I sent them an e-mailed question (I did this twice), they sent me back an e-mail that seemed like it came from a random answer generator. Very irritating.
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http://www.bigbureaucracy.com/ Ellie Velinska

I usually start hitting ‘zero’ when I get mad – for some reason the systems usually get this personally and get me a real person to finish me.
http://hcauditor.org Dusty Rhodes

Don’t mean to play “can you top this” but there is no way to talk to a human being at Google’s gmail operation. The e-mail wouldn’t take my password, said my answer to the question was wrong (t wasn’t) and the e-mail form I filed said mine was an “incorrect e-mail address” – though it wasn’t. When I called Google to try and straighten it out, they said the only way to contact gmail was by e-mail. When I told them they wouldn’t accept my e-mail, they said (in so many words) “tough luck”.
http://www.idontgetit.us Leona Salazar

I love it when the computer doesn’t understand my New York accent and repeats my account number back to me incorrectly. And why in America do we have to prompt that we want to proceed in English? Sometimes I pretend I’m on a rotary phone and don’t respond to any of the prompts. After a few “please enter your account number,” I’m switched to a live person.
Brison on Bad Service

Bernie,

Spank them with your wallet! Direct message your complaints to the twitter group, StupidCompanies , and any other forums to alert the offending companies that you have been pushed to the limit.

I had a very expensive financial fiasco as a client of Hoovers (Dun & Bradstreet), and after a few tweets on StupidCompanies , I heard from the top brass, who solved my 2-year old problem.

We almost always concur with your common sense and intellectual solutions offered in your columns and on-air.
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Bruce A

As the owner of a small family business I always remind my customers that if they are not happy, I am not doing my job.
Tracy

I totally agree with you! Just for future reference, use http://www.gethuman.com to find out shortcuts to get to a live person when calling a company—they list hundreds. I’ve used it several times and it always works. Doesn’t mean you’ll get great service, but at least it cuts through all the typing-in-codes mumbo-jumbo.
Stephen Shields

Read the book “The World Is Flat” and all its additions by Thomas Friedman. It puts all the complaints into a whole new perspective.
Holly Berry

If you would like to discuss the above column further, please register and join the conversation in the forums.

http://www.bernardgoldberg.com/forum/viewforum.php?f=24
http://www.rubegonia.net RuBegonia

Bernie – this is akin to the “lost sock in the dryer” story ~ no matter how many times it is told or by whom, heads nod with collective empathy. Let the “I can top that” barrage begin!
http://lillian-davis.blogspot.com/ Lily

I honestly think BoA is worse than AT&T and that takes some doing! When AT&T played me like hot potato, I finally asked “customer service” if they really wanted to lose my business and have me announce it on Facebook…it amazed me, I talked to a supervisor who actually 1) knew the answer, 2) apologized, 3) ANSWERED my question! I guess the idea of the world knowing their bad service via the world wide web was just the button I needed to push!
Traci

Bernie I feel your pain; it’s kind of nice to know not just the little guy (gal) has to deal with such annoying service too!