Raw Sewage

It has been 50 years since John F. Kennedy was assassinated and, as a result, he and his untimely death have naturally received a huge amount of media attention. The problem, as I see it, is that the entire city of Dallas, Texas, continues to be tarred all these years later. For one thing, his assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, was born in New Orleans. For another thing, what makes Dallas a pariah when no such labeling is attached to Memphis, where Martin Luther King was killed, or Los Angeles, the scene of Robert Kennedy’s murder?

The females who support Planned Parenthood, it seems to me, are either mutants or space aliens. How else to explain the fact they experience the same joy in an abortion that normal women find in the birth of an infant? Except for the way these faux females dress, they are very similar to the Arab and Muslim women who are in rapture when one of their offspring explodes a suicide bomb.

It recently occurred to me that it might be time to create a list of political comparatives. To get the ball rolling, I submit “as articulate as Nancy Pelosi,” “as civil as Alec Baldwin,” “as photogenic as (Henry Waxman) (Debbie Wasserman-Schultz),” as sane as Sean Penn” or “as truthful as Barack Obama.”

Speaking of which, there was a great deal of speculation as to why Obama snubbed the event celebrating the 150th anniversary of Lincoln’s delivering the Gettysburg Address. Some people were astounded, particularly in light of the fact that Obama has played up the Illinois connection to the 16th President, going so far as to be twice sworn into office on Lincoln’s own Bible.

I happen to believe that for once he was being totally transparent. After all, he has always done his best to avoid showing up at venues unless they were packed with college students, union members, welfare recipients or factories owned by his major campaign bundlers. When he showed up in St. Louis for an All Star game a few years ago, he even went so far as to be driven onto the field seated next to hometown legend Stan Musial in order to ward off the boo-birds.

So it figures that now, when he has been proven to be a serial liar, he’s not about to show up anywhere he was likely be heckled or where thousands of average Americans just might channel their inner Joe Wilson and holler “You lie!” at this pathetic excuse for a human being, let alone a President.

In case you’ve been wondering why Democrats are always so anxious to raise the minimum wage, it’s not just because it plays well with their base, making them look compassionate even though the reality is that each increase means fewer jobs for the unskilled; it’s also because union contracts often contain riders that are tied to the minimum wage and automatically kick in, forcing employers to hike their pay. So any time you hear a union leader bloviating about worker solidarity, the appropriate response is to hit him with a crowbar.

The inevitable failure of the Affordable Care Act was obvious to anyone who ever saw the Soviet Union in action. Joseph Stalin was always announcing massive five-year plans, but whether they dealt with agriculture, construction or industrial productivity, the one thing you could always count on was abject failure. That’s because government bureaucrats are invariably incompetent. No amount of Stalinist speeches or NY Times propagandistic editorials could conceal the fact that the despot’s various commissars had no idea how to plant or harvest wheat, erect apartment buildings or build tractors. All they knew how to do was to announce quotas, lie about meeting them, and compete for favor with other petty officials.

Speaking of those who should be hanging from lampposts as an example to others of their kind, in just one recent three month period, the commissars at the EPA proposed 6,000 new regulations. We know these louts never think, but do they also never sleep? That’s 67 regulations a day, including weekends. This is the same EPA that is so inept that even environmental zealots have complained that the agency’s ethanol policy is entirely responsible for destroying millions of acres of conservation land.

Although I was initially upset with John Roberts for providing the necessary vote to green light ObamaCare, I then decided that he simply hoped to avoid getting the Supreme Court entangled in yet another Roe v. Wade type controversy, assuming, as I did, that the people could easily resolve the problem a few months down the road by electing Romney.

But, now as we see Obama’s popularity plummeting like a rock and congressional Democrats behaving like rats abandoning a sinking ship, with even worse to come for Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi as we get closer to the 2014 mid-term elections, I would like to personally apologize to the Chief Justice and, furthermore, suggest that Republicans honor him as Man of the Year. He has surely done more for the future of the GOP than Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Chris Christie and Marco Rubio, put together.

Finally, by this time, I expect you are all aware that Toronto’s mayor, Doug Ford, has admitted to misconduct involving booze, crack cocaine and prostitutes. But what you may not know is that Mayor Ford is, of all things, a conservative.

All I can say is, holy cow — can you imagine what Canadian liberals must be like?!

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/