America Is On Life Alert + Bonus: Rumors, Riddles & Rebuttals

As I sit here, apparently everyone in Washington, D.C. is mulling over what to do about Syria. For my part, I’m mulling over what to do about Washington, D.C. It just seems to me that America has fallen and can’t get up.

I know that I am expected to be up in arms over chemical weapons being employed by Bashar al-Assad, assuming that the intelligence is better now than it was prior to the Iraq invasion. But I have never understood the moral outrage connected to weaponry. Neither have I ever grasped the lunacy of war being waged according to some grotesque version of Marquis of Queensbury rules. As I see it, wars are fought in order to defeat one’s enemy before he has a chance to defeat you. And the faster you do it, the better.

I understand that chemical weapons are supposed to be beyond the pale, and that civilized people are expected to rail against their use. But am I the only person who finds it absurd that a few hundred people being murdered by poison gas is supposed to trump the 120,000 who have been killed by bombs and bullets in Syria?

If you’re out to kill people, I don’t think the means make all that much difference. I always thought the flamethrowers we used in the South Pacific during WWII were pretty horrific, but they make a lot of sense when you’re engaged in jungle warfare.

As you probably know, I have not chosen sides when it comes to Syria. I suppose if I were compelled to side with one group, it would be the anti-Assad forces simply because he’s allied with Russia and Iran, not because I see any real difference between those lined up against him and the Islamic vermin we’ve spent the past decade fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Speaking of the Middle East, why is Fox correspondent Leland Vittert reporting on Egypt and Syria from Jerusalem? I’m not saying I blame him. I wouldn’t want to be risking life and limb just to give eye witness reports from those hot spots, either. But why not let him report from New York or Omaha or wherever he happens to live? I just know that I wince every time he goes into his drama queen act, pretending he’s ducking bullets and scud missiles, when I know he’s miles away from where the action is.

Madness also reigns closer to home. For instance, we have New York City, where the cost of keeping a perp in jail now runs $167,000-a-year, and California, where the state legislators are anxiously waiting for Jerry Brown to sign a bill that would allow non-citizens to sit on juries. It’s hard to believe, but the people responsible for such lunacies weren’t just handed their jobs. They didn’t inherit them. They were all duly-elected by the very saps who have to pay their salaries.

It seems that the Veterans Administration is such a mess that injured warriors are waiting months, sometimes years, before they can expect to start receiving disability checks. And these guys probably thought the Taliban scumballs were ruthless. But, like all federal agencies, the folks at the VA reside in a parallel universe where incompetence is awarded. The agency recently announced that it was handing out $5.5 million in bonuses to its employees. But, at least so far as we know, no Purple Hearts will be awarded these dedicated bureaucrats.

We keep being told by Democrats that photo IDS are discriminatory to minorities and the elderly. Being a 73-year-old Jew, you would think by now I would be aware of the fact I am being systematically deprived of my vote. Well, in a sense, being a conservative in California, I suppose I am. After all, no matter how often I vote against Jerry Brown, Gavin Newsom, Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein and Brad Sherman, those mooks keep winning.

But at least I get to cast my meaningless vote. So I have to wonder, who are these millions of people who have been disenfranchised? I’m also wondering why it’s only their inability to vote every few years that seems to trouble Eric Holder. Why isn’t he complaining that all these blacks, Latinos and seniors, can’t buy beer or cigarettes; board an airplane; drive a car; enter a courthouse or a federal building, including the House. Senate and his own Department of Justice; or, for that matter, attend one of Obama’s speeches or even show up for one of Mrs. Obama’s occasional lectures?

Finally, we are told that by 2020, thanks to older doctors retiring and younger doctors opting to go into research rather than deal with ObamaCare, America will have 90,000 fewer doctors than we’ll need.

It’s only a rumor at this point, but, according to someone high up at the Department of Health and Human Services, it seems that between now and 2020 Doc Gooden, Neil “Doc” Simon, Doc Severinsen and Dr. Seuss, will all be opening offices to help take up the slack.

BONUS: Rumors, Riddles & Rebuttals

I’ve heard that a five million dollar class action lawsuit has been filed here in California on behalf of those people who purchased copies of Lance Armstrong’s autobiography in which he swore that he had never used performance-enhancing drugs. Their claim is based on the fact that when they purchased the book, it was represented by the subject and his publisher to be non-fiction.

I am not a member of the lawsuit because I didn’t buy the book, having no interest whatsoever in the life of a professional bicyclist. Perhaps my interest would have been piqued if he’d won all those races riding a unicycle or while juggling dishes, but that’s pretty much the same reason I gave Obama’s memoirs a wide berth.

However, I pray the litigants win their multi-million dollar judgment. What an earth-shattering precedent it would set if every two-bit politician who decides, like Obama, to attach his name to a ghost-written book knew that his self-aggrandizing lies could wind up biting him in the wallet.

I keep hearing from readers taking me to task over my defense of the NSA, which essentially came down to my insistence that if their monitoring of phone calls between Yemen and Omaha could prevent another 911 or Boston massacre, we should be cheering the agency on. Anyone who believes that their phone numbers are somehow protected by the Constitution has apparently never received a call from a telemarketer.

As I see it, anyone who has concluded that the NSA is corrupt just because the IRS and the Justice Department are, is as silly as someone assuming that the IRS and Eric Holder are doing a great job just because the NSA seems to be.

While Obama likes to pretend that the economy is on the road to recovery simply because the unemployment rate has dropped to 7.4%, he naturally chooses to ignore the fact that as a result of his policies, the bureaucratic zealots at the EPA and the misnamed Affordable Care Act, the actual rate — if those who have dropped out of the work force or have had to settle for part-time employment are included — is a staggering 14.3%.

Another case of economic legerdemain is performed on a daily basis by those who keep reporting on record highs being achieved by the stock market. If the Federal Reserve ever stops pumping Monopoly money into the system, the result will remind old-timers of the crash that took place in October, 1929.

The only statistic that warms the cockles of my heart is the 16.1% unemployment rate among millennials, the $50 dollar word they’ve concocted to describe people in their 20s. So far as I’m concerned, they deserve to be sentenced to a lifetime in their parents’ basement for having trooped out last November and cast 70% of their votes for the incumbent, aka The Cool Dude.
Speaking of which, in his attempt to increase the number of Democratic voters, Obama has not only decided to stop prosecuting drug dealers, but is encouraging Mexican aliens to claim political asylum in the U.S., even going so far as to pick up the tab for their hotel rooms in San Diego.

In the past, such asylum has only been granted to those who actually feared reprisal from the likes of Stalin, Hitler, Mao and Castro. If Obama is going to play this nasty partisan game, I want the Republicans in Congress to demand that Obama go on record, condemning Mexico for violating human rights.

A friend of mine pointed out that we have been constantly lectured by the liberals in Washington and the media not to judge all Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, while, on the other hand, we are encouraged by the likes of Obama, Holder, Feinstein, Schumer and Biden, to condemn all gun owners for the actions of a tiny number of loons.

Finally, to paraphrase Shakespeare, what fools some of these mortals be! Even after Al Gore and his fellow hucksters were forced by cooling temperatures to change “global warming” to “climate change” in order to keep the money and research grants rolling in, we continue to hear those on the left demanding that the coal industry be shut down and the Keystone pipeline be scuttled.

You can hardly come up with a better example of human arrogance. Imagine believing we human beings have the power to control the earth’s climate when we can’t even deal with a single cyclone or hurricane except by cowering in a cellar until Mother Nature, in her own good time, decides to move it along or let it blow itself out.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • DanB_Tiffin

    Syria? It is ultimately a a Sunni/Shiite thing. We can only lose if we get into it.
    There I several ways to read that last sentence. I actually mean all of those ways.

  • GlenFS

    Thanks for the fun read, Burt!