Shot Down

We just got treated to what I’d argue is the best editing job in the history of recorded speech. If you want to see it yourself, the bad news is you’ll have to watch a guy acting like a colossal jerk in the process. Yes, you’ll have to watch Barack Obama act like himself, after the U.S. Senate voted no on his favorite legislation-du-jour.

His reaction to the Capitol Blind Squirrels finding a nut was quite the spectacle. Seriously, if anyone older or more physically mature than the president were to behave in the same spectaculish manner, he’d need to do stretching exercises for about 20 minutes beforehand. Anyway, the amazing thing about the editing job was how, no matter how closely you pay attention, you can’t hear his feet stomping repeatedly, and you won’t catch the moment he tried to hold his breath until he turned blue (the Secret Service intervened in time). Whoever seamlessly removed that from the teletrantrum and left it on the cutting room floor is a lock for a future Oscar should he work in Hollywood.

According to the president, it was a “a shameful day for Washington” when the votes took place. I’ll tell you this much: when something is judged as “shameful” by Barack Obama, well, that is something you really should take to heart. Then, once you’re sure it’s fully heart-taken, follow his example and try to be as shameless as possible. And certainly don’t dismiss Dianne Feinstein’s failure-induced rage. I mean, c’mon! She stuck her finger in the wound of a gunshot victim! That gives her the right to determine if and how the Second Amendment is applied, you mental microbe.

That reminds me: I need some advice on flood insurance. Does anyone have the phone number for The Little Dutch Boy?

Unless someone has recently axed you upside the head, or you’ve flunked out of a remedial doodling class, or you’re a vice president who hails from Delaware, you probably got the gist of this debate about guns weeks ago. With few exceptions, on one side you have people who respect, and in some cases avail themselves of, the right to have guns; on the other you have people who look at the U.S. Constitution and get the sudden urge to field-test their Zippo’s. I’ve been reviewing numerous questions and/or arguments put forth by the Zippotesters, and decided to lay out a few helpful, easily understandable responses in case anyone out there is still gistless. Easily understandable, that is, unless you’re a vice president who hails from Delaware.

QUESTION AND/OR ARGUMENT #1: We need common-sense gun laws to prevent tragedies like Sandy Hook from happening again.

RESPONSE #1: There is nothing common-sense about making a law that wouldn’t have had any effect whatsoever on the event that inspired that law. (If you owned a convenience store, and people were constantly shoplifting beer from you, Democrats would recommend locking up your milk.) It would actually be more common-sense to propose having H.G. Wells take a federal agent in his time machine back to mid-December and pull Adam Lanza out of his house by the earlobe, and on the way out remind his poor mother to lock up her weapons. (This proposal is impossible, of course; H.G. Wells is dead.)

QAOA #2: Don’t you care about the children?

R #2: I care about children a great deal, actually, so much so that I refuse to use them to silence others’ arguments or challenge their Constitutional rights. Exploit-mongers who do this are, morally speaking, somewhere behind pit vipers and barely ahead of NAMBLA members.

QAOA #3: Why do you need an assault rifle/thirty-round magazine?

R #3: So many to choose….okay, I’ll start with “Why do you need to wear the outfit you’re currently wearing, or eat at your favorite restaurant as opposed to one you barely like?” I’ll continue with “As opposed to a shampoo rifle or tire rotation rifle?” I’ll finish with “I don’t need a ‘thirty-round magazine’ per se; I need a ‘more rounds than you can fit in the magazine being used by the slime-monkey trying to enter my crib against my wishes magazine.’”

QAOA #4: Your Second Amendment rights will not be affected by the background checks this law calls for.

R #4: This particular “point,” along with the insistence that the law wouldn’t allow a national registry, was included in the prissy-fit delivered by Barack “Healthcare costs will go down, abortion won’t be covered, there are shovel-ready jobs, I’ll cut the deficit in half, we only increase rich people’s taxes” Obama. I guess you could call it a hunch that the guy might not be whipping up a kosher meal here.

QAOA #5: If you actually believe our government could become a tyranny, you’re insane.

R #5: Say, I need some change. Can you give me two tens for a five?

Author Bio:

Jeffrey Webb is just an average, blue-collar guy who likes to write stuff. He left his home state of Vermont for California with his family at age 7 and has regretted it ever since. A 24-year veteran of the home improvement industry, his hobbies include cooking, playing the drums, and verbally savaging annoying celebrities. He lives in San Diego with his extremely patient wife and two children.
  • THE WISE OWL

    WITH RESPECT TO THE ARGUMENT THAT “THE PUBLIC DOESN’T NEED “ASSAULT WEAPONS,” LETS REMEMBER THAT THE SECOND AMENDMENT REFERS TO A CITIZEN MILITIA. DON’T “MILITIAS” CARRY AND USE “MILITARY” WEAPONS? THE FOUNDERS WERE CLEARLY CONCERNED WITH PRESERVING MUCH MORE THAN THE RIGHT TO HUNT.

  • Jeff, author

    Actually, we were talking about people like Obama & DF trying to pass GC legislation, and how they act when they don’t get their way.

    Like it or not, I’ve managed to do two things here that you haven’t: back up my argument and refute the other’s. So, here’s your chance. Tell me which actions of Adam Lanza would’ve been stopped by the proposed law. Explain to me why some of the grieving families deserve to be listened to but not others. And what words of mine were you quoting? I looked around and couldn’t find “tyrant” anywhere.

    • I Hate Fascists

      Well Jesus, it took you long enough but you finally figured out that you won’t out trash talk me. As far as your “arguments”, aside from gratuitous shots at Biden, Feinstein, Obama, and for good measure comparing the Newtown parents to NAMBLA child molesters, what arguments have you made let alone backed up? You argue that we don’t need common sense gun laws. Why? because it wouldn’t have stopped Lanza? That’s quite a leap. You argue that you care about children. Did you back that up? No. You argue that you need an infinite supply of guns and ammunition. Did you back that up? No. You argue that background checks will violate the “2A”. Did you back that up? No. And what arguments have you refuted? That there is a right of public safety without having to engage in a personal arms race? That a terrorist can buy a gun at a gun show with ease? That the number of households with guns has decreased while gun sales are off the charts? No on all counts. Finally your ominous hint that our government is a tyranny. That is really the point you are trying to imprint in the feeble brains of your cult followers. And yeah you have proven that point. That like all right wingers, you are a hater, and your hatred comes thru loud and clear.

      • Jeff, author

        Poor, poor kid. You just don’t get it.

        If you opened your eyes & mind a little bit, you just might:

        -see the hypocrisy in calling others hateful while you post seriously hateful comments

        -quit idly saying I didn’t back up my argument, and offer a real explanation to back up yours

        -quit misinterpreting and/or misquoting me

        -see the silliness in calling yourself “I Hate Fascists,” and then defending politicians who’ve been amassing and exercising more & more power for themselves since the day they took office, and continue to do so

        -recognize the difference between being hateful toward a politician and poking fun at stuff he/she has said and done

        -not take yourself so seriously

        • I Hate Fascists

          Well since your head is already up your ass, if you opened your eyes you might see how full of shit you are. I didn’t write the article, you did. So if you cannot back up your bullshit just shut the fuck up already. No one is paying attention anyway. Big difference between me and you is, you hate everyone that is not you. I just hate you. I will tell you the same thing I have already told your co-conspirators on this site. You keep writing bullshit and I will be up your ass like a gerbil (and your head).

  • I Hate Fascists

    Hey garbagemouth, anyone can talk trash and you are living proof. Any thoughts on preventing mass murder? Do you think there is any right to public safety without carrying a weapon? Or does everyone have to engage in their own personal arms race? Do you know that the number of households with guns in the US has decreased while gun sales are off the charts? What does that tell you? Do you have anything constructive at all to say? Or are you just a bullshitter?

    • Jeff, author

      Mom?

      • I Hate Fascists

        If I was your mama I would have late term aborted you. Do you know Al Queda laughs at our pitiful gun laws where you can be on the terrorist watch list and still get a gun at a gun show?

        • Jeff, author

          Why, no, I wasn’t aware of that. Are YOU aware that would-be (and already-are) murderers laugh at liberal laws that they’ll never obey and won’t be enforced?

          It’s obvious I need to embark on a quest to earn your acceptance. I’ll get right on that, right after I locate the part of the Second Amendment that permits Obama to infringe on people’s rights in cases of twisted douchebags committing multiple homicides.

          • I Hate Fascists

            You want my acceptance then stop talking hateful right wing bullshit. Of course your cult followers have much lower standards and will swallow any bullshit you dish out. In fact if you were to stop pushing their hot buttons they would tune you out, so no doubt you will keep right on pushing. Like all right wingers you are looking for simple solutions to complex problems because that is the only thing you can wrap your feeble brains around. It’s a lot easier to justify doing nothing than trying to find a sensible solution to gun violence, right? And what of those who lost loved ones in Newtown, Aurora, Tucson? It’s a lot easier for you to tell them that, sorry, the “2A” is uber alles and their loved ones are just collateral damage to that end, right? Sadly there is only one way to get the light turned on in your empty right wing brains, and that is the way that Portman and Cheney saw the light on gay rights and Nancy Reagan on stem cell research, if you get my drift. As for Obama infringing on the rights of twisted douchebags, you have gone off the charts with that one. Not even you could seriously be sticking up for the “2A” rights of twisted douchebags to commit multiple homicides could you?

          • http://www.facebook.com/douglas.makinen Douglas Makinen

            Unfortunatley for you Jeff is right. When the Government says “this won’t affect you” or “this is a temporary tax”, you know immediately that you are skrewed. Sorry, I’ll keep my rights just the way they are. You are more than welcome to live in countries that already are set up the way you like. We liked this one the way it was intended.

          • Jeff, author

            “Sadly there is only one way to get the light turned on in your empty right wing brains, and that is the way that Portman and Cheney saw the light on gay rights and Nancy Reagan on stem cell research, if you get my drift.”

            You’re growing up so fast, son. Up until now, the distance between your telling someone not to be hateful and then saying something just dripping with white-hot meanness was several paragraphs. Now it’s only several sentences.
            So, your assumption is that A) I’ve never experienced a loved one shot to death, and B) if I had, I’d feel entitled to chip into the Constitutional rights of others. You are sooo cute when you’re stunningly clueless. Not only are you ignorant about me, you’re ignorant of the reality that there are relatives of shooting victims who agree it’s pointless to enact more gun control laws. Perhaps you witnessed Joe Biden recently scoff at someone’s suggestion that existing gun control laws be enforced (and then quickly put his foot right back in his mouth). Or maybe you’re ignorant of that, too-it is your gift.

            You really need to have someone read the column to you a second time, especially QAOA #1 and its response. Then, assuming you grasp it this time, YOU can tell the victims’ families that nothing whatsoever in the proposed legislation would’ve stopped the shooting.

            Hey, you never know, maybe you’ll have another breakthrough and realize that in the phrase “people’s rights,” the people in question are actually individuals other than the twisted douchebags (BTW, sorry for all the syllables, kiddo. Must’ve made mouthing the words very tiring for you.)

          • I Hate Fascists

            Let’s see what we can learn from you:
            Feinstein is a tyrant and worthy of contempt, and the image of her putting her finger in the victim’s wound amuses you miserable old bastards no end. Guranteed if you did have a loved one shot to death that image would not tickle you as it does.
            Biden is a tyrant and worthy of contempt.
            Gun control will not have any effect. Why? Because you said so.
            The Newtown parents who went to DC to plead with Toxic Ted, Inbred Inhofe, Loopy Louie Gohmert for some sanity are worthy of contempt, only slightly less so than child abusers.
            Life is an arms race and those who do not want to own a gun have no right to public safety.
            Obama is a tyrant and worthy of contempt.

          • I Hate Fascists

            So let’s recap what we’ve learned. All left wingers are tyrants worthy of contempt. This in spite of the fact that you right wingers have all the guns. Something wrong with this picture, right? And that’s what this “2A” hysteria is all about. So now let me sum it up for you this way, and believe me when I tell you this: YOU WILL NOT TAKE THIS COUNTRY BACK..

          • Jeff, author

            …”you right wingers have all the guns.”

            Priceless! You’re not being hilarious on purpose, are you?

            Your ignorance is the stuff of legend, and at the rate you’re going, I just might start to smell it right where I sit.

            Here’s more education for you, still free of charge: liberals have guns, and you’ll have just as much difficulty trying to take theirs away.

            Like many, many, many, many, many other things, you are apparently unaware that the most prominent, outspoken liberals know just how superior conservatism is, and that they enjoy it just as much (if not more) than the right.

            Do you think it’s just a coincidence that Al Gore made it a point to sell Current TV before the date the tax cuts expired? Do you think he lives his electricity & fuel-gobbling lifestyle because some unseen thug is forcing him into it via blackmail?

            Do you think the management at unions’ headquarters refuse to let their employees unionize because they just happen to love irony?

            Do you think the liberals in power, from Barack on down, tried (and are currently trying again) to exempt themselves from Obamacare because it’s just too damn good for them?

            As for your gut-busting statement I quoted, do you think the people perpetrating all those shootings in ultra-liberal Chicago are using slingshots?

          • Jeff, author

            Whoever read my reply to you needs to explain it better.

            Re: Feinstein: what I’m amused by is her citing that event as one of her qualifications to chip into the 2nd Amendment. Follow yet?

            Re: Newtown parents: as terrible as their suffering is, neither they nor the opportunist pols using them as props are justified in challenging my or anyone else’s Constitutional rights. My sympathy does not extend to the point of begrudging the civil rights of others, and you are quite an amusing piece of work to think otherwise. What do you have against the victims’ relatives who disagree with the new legislation? Don’t their feelings matter to you?

            Speaking of which, it’s not because I “said so” that the law won’t have any effect. It’s because the proposals/amendments in it, which evidently you didn’t read about, don’t address a single one of the many actions Adam Lanza took leading to his attack.

            It’d probably be easier for you to understand if you took some of the energy you put into being petulant and focused it on your reading skills.

          • I Hate Fascists

            That wasn’t all. Read on. I had to break it up into 2 posts because your website is all fucked up

  • GlenFS

    Thanks for making me laugh, Jeffrey. Sharing to FB.

  • artlouis

    We shoukl back up and ask Feinstein why she stuck her fingers in the wound.

    • I Hate Fascists

      Glad to hear you are retired. Now do yourself and everyone else a favor and drop dead

      • artlouis

        If someone differs with you politically, you want them dead? Maybe you are taking politics a bit too seriously.

        • I Hate Fascists

          You are a riot Grandpa. If Feinstein sticking her fingers in the wound is your sick idea of a joke, then you should be put out of your misery.

          • artlouis

            Is that a threat? I take threats seriously, and so will the authorities.

          • I Hate Fascists

            Not a threat. Calm down grandpa.

          • I Hate Fascists

            Now would you like to explain what is so funny about Feinstein’s heroic but vain attempt to save the lives of the gunshot victims in SF? A similar action did in fact save the life of Gabby Giffords. Is there a joke in there somewhere? Ore are you just a cantankerous old man? Do you have any other funny jokes? Maybe about the Boston bombing or the Texas explosions?

          • Jeff, author

            Speaking for myself, I gave Feinstein a little ribbing because she cited her finger-hole effort as one of the things that made her an authority on gun control. legislation. She was trying to shut up Senator Cruz in an emotional diatribe.
            Next thing you know she’ll stick her finger in a printer and then try to limit someone’s First Amendment rights.

          • artlouis

            Jeff, I know nothing about the medical advantages, if any, of sticking your fingers in bullet holes. However, Dianne Feinstein is the worst demagogue and windbag in the Senate. She has been riding that same hobby horse for 35 years. She is renowned for introducing bills playing off today’s headlines, and then quietly dumping them after the headlines fade. You have to give her credit, however, for convincing a good part of the American public that there is a category of guns that never existed.

          • I Hate Fascists

            The Fabulous Furry Fascist Brothers! Now go back what you were doing, which was playing Rape Lay and licking each other’s hemorrhoids!

          • I Hate Fascists

            The Fabulous Furry Fascist Brothers! Now go back what you were doing, which was playing Rape Lay and licking each other’s hemorrhoids!