Sit Up and Pay Attention, Classless!

Before we get to the main topic, I first want to take this opportunity to apologize to my neighbors, as well as the other people on my block, residents of the other blocks in my neighborhood, and the Marines at the Miramar air base. That deafening ruckus you recently had to put up with for the better part of an hour was me laughing uncontrollably–I had just read about all the AP reporters who got their banana hammocks in a bunch because the control freaks they helped stay in power violated their rights. This was one of those laughter fits that makes you glad you’d already used the restroom.

I was recently watching a TV documentary on English rock pioneers Deep Purple, and something their alpha male guitarist Ritchie Blackmore said stuck with me. Speaking about his reputedly demanding nature, he paraphrased Bette Davis saying that you know you’ve made it in the entertainment business once you’re considered difficult. That made me think about the relative public profile of conservatives and the sociopolitical state we’re currently “enjoying.” Meaning, you can tell you’ve made an impact as a conservative once Democrats reach for the giant microscope of government and make like you’re an ant on a sidewalk.

I’d rather undergo a back-alley prostate exam than have the I.R.S. visit me with their own latexed, lubricated finger, but hey, at least it’d be a sign I’m making bigger waves than I thought. To learn that would certainly take the edge off a government bureaucracy treating me like the prettiest guy on the cellblock.

Now we’ve got this huge crapcake of scandals (I’ve named it “Benghaziirsapgate”) stinking up the country, and too many powerful Democrats connected to it are seasoning it with dead skunk extract. These assorted federal dookies hit the fan so hard that several Democrats started (gasp!) criticizing the Obama administration. I mean, it’s gotten so bad that even Chris Matthews is thinking about removing Obama’s picture from his bedroom ceiling. But as expected, in a mixture of one part disappointing and two parts amusing, we still have people trying to defend all this. The power abusers have a nice little gaggle of desperate, often uninformed rank & file liberal toadies snarfing down the fan-flingings and insisting it’s all delicious.

With all the misinformation emanating from the “flinging-snarfers”, well, they surely be needin’ themselves some edumacatin’, I reckon. Just like when Obama tried to build a Second Amendment shredder using Newtown families as slave labor, I’ll be the edumacator. Again, like the ever-dedicated professor, I shall address the current batch of liberals’ questions and/or assertions related to Benghaziirsapgate. If you’re skeptical of my professor-ish credentials, I’ll happily send you a picture of me decked in a rumpled sports coat and argyle sweater, holding an unlit pipe. Just give me time to draw it.

QAOA #1: You Republicans have been after Obama since day one.

R #1: If by “after” you mean “convinced the USA would benefit from him not being president,” then you’re onto something there. If you were to change “day one” to “since he revealed for the world to behold his haughty contempt for all things American,” then touchdown.

As if you didn’t know, there’s nothing unusual about a president’s opponents saying stuff that doesn’t favor him. I do understand your bent-out-of-shapedness, seeing that you’re not used to unfavorable stuff being factual. (Look it up—you’ll find it somewhere between “facecake” and “Farfergnugen.”)

QAOA #2: The ARB reported nothing wrong.

R #2: The ARB? Hmm, that sounds familiar….ARB…ARB…oh, wait! You’re talking about the Accountability Review Board, the group personally selected by the woman with a conflict of interest who lied right to the aggrieved relatives’ faces with the casketed victims right there and also repeatedly to the country, whose chairman didn’t want to be interviewed on record by the top Congressional investigator required to ensure EVERYONE is accountable, aren’t you?

Forgive me if you actually meant the roast beef sandwich chain, which I’ll agree is every bit as credible as the aforementioned.

QAOA #3: There is no scandal.

R #3: It was a scandal when Clinton lied under oath about his intern mistress bobbing for lap apples, and when Nixon denied any connection to or knowledge of the Watergate burglary; these missteps were bad enough to lead to impeachment and resignation to avoid impeachment, respectively. Now, evidently you don’t see this administration’s A) ignoring the pleas of people about to be made dead by terrorists and then lying repeatedly about how they got made dead, and B) evacuating its bladder on the First Amendment rights of hundreds of Americans, as rising to Clinton’s and Nixon’s level. If you truly don’t see this, you need either a good ophthalmologist, or an NCIS-style smack upside the head. Personally, I recommend an NCISmack delivered by a good ophthalmologist.

QAOA #4: People like you are making a big deal out of all this because you’re racists.

R #4: On the contrary, some of my best friends are incompetent, corrupt, power-fetishists who happen to be mulatto.

QAOA #5: Why are you criticizing the current administration for supposedly ignoring the consulate’s warnings of a potential attack? When Bush ignored warnings of a possible attack on the United States, he did nothing and the result was 9/11.

R #5: Your side was repeatedly warned by the same people at the same location, in the months leading up to the anniversary of 9/11. Our side was warned that people who’d been attacking us for years wanted to do it again, in an undetermined location out of hundreds, on an undetermined date that would end up one that had no prior known significance or predictable importance.

Here’s a challenge for you: in your state, not long from now someone’s car is going to break down in some manner on his/her way to work. Find out who this person is and warn him/her about what’s going to happen and when, so he/she can plan accordingly. If you fail to do this, your punishment will be millions of obsessed, hate-encrusted liberal morons fantasizing about you getting strung up by your nerps until the end of time.

QAOA #6: The I.R.S. was justified in targeting conservative, anti-government organizations. They would naturally provoke more suspicion.

R #6: You’d be a hit as a rapist’s defense attorney. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you’ve seen the pictures of the skimpy outfit the plaintiff was wearing….”

QAOA #7: The Republicans are wasting an excessive amount of time and money on this nonsense.

R #7 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Republicans wasting mo..….(snort!)HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hysterical! Oh, I love you Democrats and your wonderfully ironic sense of humor! Uh oh…maybe I should’ve used the restroom earlier.

Author Bio:

Jeffrey Webb is just an average, blue-collar guy who likes to write stuff. He left his home state of Vermont for California with his family at age 7 and has regretted it ever since. A 24-year veteran of the home improvement industry, his hobbies include cooking, playing the drums, and verbally savaging annoying celebrities. He lives in San Diego with his extremely patient wife and two children.
  • genann59

    Good article Jeff. Amusing but factual. Enjoyed reading it.

    • Jeff, author

      Thanks for reading–glad you liked it.

  • Wheels55

    Deep Purple? You must be racist. Why does this always have to be about color? Can’t an article be written strictly on Obama’s incompetence?
    If Hogan’s Heroes were to be recast, Obama would get the role of Sgt. Shultz…or would that role go to Jay Carney?…or to Hillary Clinton?..or to many people in the IRS? For sure Susan Rice would be Col. Klink (always set up as the goof).

    • DanB_Tiffin

      Deep Purple – color – racism. That was a good one!

    • Jeff, author

      Regrettably, I missed the Black Sabbath documentary.