Surprise!

My sources at the White House tell me that President Obama and his chief of staff Rahm Emanuel had a top-secret meeting just minutes ago — and guess who just got a leaked, classified transcript of that conversation?

Correct.  So, here it is:

RE:  Mr. President, I have an idea about how we can kick some GOP you-know-what in November.

Pres: I’m all ears.

RE:  That’s funny, Mr. President.

Pres:  What do you mean?

RE:  Your ears, sir.  They’re giganto.  And you said, I’m all ears.  Get it, Mr. President?

Pres:  No.

RE:  Okay.  Here’s my idea, sir.  Just two words …

Pres:  Whoa!  This is the Oval Office Rahmbo.  No F bombs allowed around here.

RE:  F bombs?  Me, Mr. President?

Pres:  R-Man.  You think “mother” is half a word.  So be careful.

RE:  Yes sir.  Okay, the two words are, October Surprise.

Pres:  I love surprises.  Who’s birthday is it?

RE:  Mr. President, are you channeling President Bush?

Pres:  If I am, it’s his fault.  EVERYTHING is his fault.

RE:  Okay, Mr. President, October Surprise is when a politician – and I know you’re not THAT, you’re a Saint – it’s when we pull off some last-minute stunt to yank victory from the jaws of defeat.

Pres:  I like that.  I mean the Saint part.

RE:  Right.  So here’s how it goes:  In mid-October, just two weeks before the elections, you go on national television and announce that you’re extending the Bush tax cuts for everybody – even – ready for this? – even for RICH people.

Pres:  And why would I want to do that, Rahmalama-ding-dong?

RE:  Because the stock market will go up a thousand points – in ten minutes! The morons out there in lamestream media who worship at your feet will tell those dopey independents – you know, Mr. President – those doofuses who don’t know shi … sorry … don’t know jack about politics, that everything is okay with the economy and we’ll kick those Republicans where it hurts.

Pres:  No can do, Rahm-O.

RE:  Why not, Mr. President?

Pres:  Well, Rain Man, it’s a matter of theology.

RE:  Excuse me, sir?

Pres:  Theology, you know religion.  You Jews believe in religion, don’t you?

RE:  Yes. Mr. President, but I still don’t understand.

Pres:  It’s against my religion to NOT raise taxes on the rich.  That’s how I roll, Rahm.  As I say, it’s a matter of theology.  It’s what I believe in.

RE:  But Mr. President, we’ll get killed in November.

Pres:  No we won’t Dead Fish.  I went on The View today.  Did you see me?

RE:  Mr. President, I was SWOOOOOONING!

Pres:  Exactamundo.  EVERYBODY was swooning, Manny.  For a second I thought Joy Behar was going to commit a sex act on my person, right there on the couch.  You don’t get it, R Man.  I’m Barack Obama.  They love me out there.  They will do whatever I tell them to do.  I am their … Messiah.  You believe in the Messiah, Rahmowitz?

RE:  But Mr. President, the polls don’t agree.  They say you’re not as popular as you think.

Pres:  The Poles can kiss my ass.  You ever been to Warsaw.  It ain’t happening.  I tried to get a cinnamon machiado vente there once and I couldn’t even find a Starbucks.  Screw the Poles.

RE:  So no October Surprise, sir?

Pres:  Hang on, Rahmstein. I got a plan.  We raise taxes, the economy tanks, we throw the Democrats under the bus in November, just like I did with my BFF Rev Wright and my grandmother.  Then when the Republicans take over, we blame it all on Bush.  The people hate that guy.  And we win in ’12 in a breeze.

RE:  But if we lose in November Hillary will run against you in two years.

Pres:  I’ll cross that bitch when I get to it.  I mean BRIDGE.

RE:  Anything you say, sir.

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  • OAK Airport Shuttle

    Thanks for sharing such a valuable information.

  • Bob Hadley

    Hey Bernie, Were you critical of President Reagan for blaming Jimmy Carter for the bad economy in 1982? Or were you harshly critical of President Reagan for aggressively campaigning against Jimmy Carter during the 1984 Presidential campiagn? Or were you critical of HW Bush’s quip, during the 1988 presidential campaign, that he’d try not to call Dukakis “Jimmy”?…. Just asking. :)

  • Bob Hadley

    It was amusing, Bernie. But if a liberal wrote a corresponding spoof on President GW Bush during his stint in the White House, poking fun at him while making harsh and searing allegations about his mindset, both you and your buddy O’Reilly would be screaming that this is just another example of how liberals are hateful and venomous.

    When you describe liberals, you might be giving a self-portrait.

  • http://bernardgoldberg.com Bill C.

    That was funnier than shi…ooops – sorry

  • Charlie W.

    Damn, Bernie! I knew you to be an insightful, concise media and political analyst, but I had no idea you were such a creative writer! (I suppose you can paint and play the piano, too?) Very funny stuff. I know I am late to the party, but thanks for the chuckles.

  • Stephen Shields

    Rahm Emanuel is useless.

  • http://mediamatters.org/ Wil Burns

    Somewhere a shark is looking up…

    and watching the Bernie satire sail over its head.

    • CCNV

      Thanks for the reminder that this is Shark Week! I will have to tune in to CSPAN see who those nasty Dems and Libs are devouring this week.

  • http://mediamatters.org/ Wil Burns

    Bernie, But don’t forget—according to our maybe next Speaker of the House (the all-knowing Boehner), he doesn’t pay attention to these economists and the CBO —that’s all Washington insider, pointy-headed nonsense. He’s going to listen to the American people and they want the wealthy to keep getting their big presents.

    Really, the Republicans are standing up on Capitol Hill with their fingers in their ears yelling “La La La La”.

    We are headed for deep trouble, if we let this happen!

  • Ron Kean

    Funny stuff.

    • Ronda Feuerstack

      Kharmic Relief…

  • jodee1969

    I love how he is telling us The oil spill is all better now?

    http://americaspeaksink.com/2010/07/bp-oil-spill-toxic-clouds-of-death-in-the-sky/

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  • Marilyn

    Hey, Bernie…that was great…in fact, awesome! I think you’re missing out on writing your own sitcom. It is really funny stuff, and you have all the characters already doing the work for you, right? : )

  • Berg

    Read like a beginning of a good satirical show

  • Perry

    Nice piece Bernie, and funny! But I doubt Rahmal could even have an IDEA!!! I do think Obama would be gloating more than you give him credit for though.

  • David in Texas

    Funny Bernie! But with these clowns, this conversation could really happen!

  • joe

    Wonder what it is like for his daughters to think of themselves as fat spawn of a mongrel.

    • http://mediamatters.org/ Wil Burns

      Joe, You are someone too stupid to live if breathing and heartbeat were not autonomic.

  • http://sujazz79@live.com steve

    im surprised he likes his daughters..anything close to him is vonrabale..i’d realy like to know how much business education he got in in his life…id bet u put his heart on a operating table,,and everyone in the room would put @ say he short of compation…short of caring,,putting people to work,,and maybe water in there fields they work in,,LIKE in Huron,,, Calfornia,,to make the GDP grow,,naaaa,, spending time on ther view is FAR MORE IMPORTAIN it gives time to people who don’t know econmics a chance to have there 5 minutes in the sun,,bearing that everyone else is on the evening news is not drowing from for the days business.,,READY TO GET UNEMPLOYMENT NOW BOYS???..GOOD JOB MR. ANTI- AMERICAN PRESIDENT,,DOING NOTHING AND GETTING PRAISE FOR IT…WHAT A DAY TO PUT IN…WOW!!!!!!

  • Kristina L

    This was so funny!

  • David

    Bernie, get your own late-night comedy show immidately, this was way better than anything The Daily Show has done in since the ’08 election, it’s hilarious but true.

  • Jesse D. Orozco

    It’s a funny dialogue until you realize that it’s so funny ’cause it does probably hit just a little too close to reality … and that reality isn’t all that amusing. Yeah, I laugh at some of the things these bozos do, but that’s only ’cause the alternative to laughin’ won’t do my blood pressure any good.

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  • Anthony

    Winner and still undisputed champion Whoopi Goldberg’s cousin, Shecky Mack Daddy Goldberg, steadily mackin. Didn’t you headline with Moms Mabley and Mandrake the Mindmelding Midget at The Palladium in the 70′s? Just checkin cuz you be the shiznit homeslice. You should have made it to the deli counter. All the ladies were ferclempt with the mere mention of your name. Catch ya later agitator.

  • Buz Chertok

    From those two horses asses that conversation was more than likely.

  • http://orbis1@bellsouth.net Jan W.

    As usual, your “analysis” is right on topic, hip, and correct. The Obama Administration will never stop blaming President Bush for everything, even now as they BLEED in all the polls!! November and 2012 can’t come soon enough, before President Obama has to take responsibility for his administration’s failures, which will dwarf anything President Bush ever THOUGHT about doing!!

    • http://mediamatters.org/ Wil Burns

      Remember when Bush & CO. was airlifting pallets of $100 bills to Iraq?

  • http://www.bigbureaucracy.com/ Ellie Velinska

    “Joy Behar was going to commit a sex act on my person, right there on the couch” LOL – that image will send many to their psychic’s couch.

    It is funny how the Libs reveal the fact that their voters do not get their news on serious news sources. If you try for a second to look at the world beyond Joy Behar’s cleavage and Jon Steward’s jokes – you may turn into a conservative.

    • Jesse D. Orozco

      Two odd images from your post:
      1) I didn’t realize Psychic’s had couches. I just figured you called them up on 1-600 lines and listened to ‘em … I suppose, technically, you COULD be on your couch when you did this.
      2) … and this is more disturbing than odd: JOY BEHAR’S CLEAVAGE?!? I’m calling YOU in the middle of the night after I wake up from the nightmares I’ll get from that!

      • http://www.bigbureaucracy.com/ Ellie Velinska

        My personal opinion: there is no much difference between psychiatrists, psychics and other past and future-watchers and wizards :)
        Sorry about the damage done by Joy Behar’s cleavage.

        • Jesse D. Orozco

          Meh, it’s true. Not much difference … well, actually I’d say psychiatrists are far worse. At least with psychics, most people take what they say with a grain of salt. Psychiatrists, not so much … and they charge more, also.
          After my last post, I went to my doctor and he performed an outpatient procedure, taking the Behar “image” completely out of my brain, so no long term damage done.

    • Joy Behar’s Cleavage

      How DARE you mock my power, little man. Now excuse me whilst I keep your attention by making joy unintentionally bend over so i can get some air.

  • Henry

    LOL!

  • http://hemingwayreport.blogspot.com/ MerchantofVenom

    If I didn’t know better, I would say you are the MerchantofVenom. The baited hook is in the water.

  • CCNV

    I love it!! Reminds me of ‘Richard the Copy Guy’ on SNL.

  • Bruce A.

    Bernie, you made this up didn’t you? All except the swooooooning.

  • Pete Simon

    That is really funny. Even though that’s the way they operate. Tea Party and conservatism ftw!