My sources at the White House tell me that President Obama and his chief of staff Rahm Emanuel had a top-secret meeting just minutes ago — and guess who just got a leaked, classified transcript of that conversation?
Correct. So, here it is:
RE: Mr. President, I have an idea about how we can kick some GOP you-know-what in November.
Pres: I’m all ears.
RE: That’s funny, Mr. President.
Pres: What do you mean?
RE: Your ears, sir. They’re giganto. And you said, I’m all ears. Get it, Mr. President?
RE: Okay. Here’s my idea, sir. Just two words …
Pres: Whoa! This is the Oval Office Rahmbo. No F bombs allowed around here.
RE: F bombs? Me, Mr. President?
Pres: R-Man. You think “mother” is half a word. So be careful.
RE: Yes sir. Okay, the two words are, October Surprise.
Pres: I love surprises. Who’s birthday is it?
RE: Mr. President, are you channeling President Bush?
Pres: If I am, it’s his fault. EVERYTHING is his fault.
RE: Okay, Mr. President, October Surprise is when a politician – and I know you’re not THAT, you’re a Saint – it’s when we pull off some last-minute stunt to yank victory from the jaws of defeat.
Pres: I like that. I mean the Saint part.
RE: Right. So here’s how it goes: In mid-October, just two weeks before the elections, you go on national television and announce that you’re extending the Bush tax cuts for everybody – even – ready for this? – even for RICH people.
Pres: And why would I want to do that, Rahmalama-ding-dong?
RE: Because the stock market will go up a thousand points – in ten minutes! The morons out there in lamestream media who worship at your feet will tell those dopey independents – you know, Mr. President – those doofuses who don’t know shi … sorry … don’t know jack about politics, that everything is okay with the economy and we’ll kick those Republicans where it hurts.
Pres: No can do, Rahm-O.
RE: Why not, Mr. President?
Pres: Well, Rain Man, it’s a matter of theology.
RE: Excuse me, sir?
Pres: Theology, you know religion. You Jews believe in religion, don’t you?
RE: Yes. Mr. President, but I still don’t understand.
Pres: It’s against my religion to NOT raise taxes on the rich. That’s how I roll, Rahm. As I say, it’s a matter of theology. It’s what I believe in.
RE: But Mr. President, we’ll get killed in November.
Pres: No we won’t Dead Fish. I went on The View today. Did you see me?
RE: Mr. President, I was SWOOOOOONING!
Pres: Exactamundo. EVERYBODY was swooning, Manny. For a second I thought Joy Behar was going to commit a sex act on my person, right there on the couch. You don’t get it, R Man. I’m Barack Obama. They love me out there. They will do whatever I tell them to do. I am their … Messiah. You believe in the Messiah, Rahmowitz?
RE: But Mr. President, the polls don’t agree. They say you’re not as popular as you think.
Pres: The Poles can kiss my ass. You ever been to Warsaw. It ain’t happening. I tried to get a cinnamon machiado vente there once and I couldn’t even find a Starbucks. Screw the Poles.
RE: So no October Surprise, sir?
Pres: Hang on, Rahmstein. I got a plan. We raise taxes, the economy tanks, we throw the Democrats under the bus in November, just like I did with my BFF Rev Wright and my grandmother. Then when the Republicans take over, we blame it all on Bush. The people hate that guy. And we win in ’12 in a breeze.
RE: But if we lose in November Hillary will run against you in two years.
Pres: I’ll cross that bitch when I get to it. I mean BRIDGE.
RE: Anything you say, sir.
Copyright © 2013 BernardGoldberg.com