“A Primer For GOP Candidates” and “Hillary, Barack and Bowe”

I get very discouraged when I come across polls that show Barack Obama’s job approval rate as high as 43.9% and a generic congressional ballot that has Democrats leading Republicans 43% to 42.3%, even though the percentage of those thinking that America is headed in the right direction stands at just 29.8%.

Apparently, about 14% of us are incapable of connecting even two or three dots. So much for public education!

Still, being an eternal optimist, I take some comfort from the fact that Obama is the only two-term president who ever received fewer votes the second time around, and that since 2008, the GOP has won most of the elections, whether it was Senate and House seats, or a governor’s mansion, that was up for grabs.

We Republicans would have done even better if we had kept just a few simple rules in mind. First off, no matter how enticing you, as a candidate, find a TV lens or how much you enjoy having reporters hang on your every word, never answer a question unless you happen to be appearing on Fox. Just about everyone else in the media is your mortal enemy.

Also, never go off script. Even Bob Hope didn’t become Bob Hope by ad-libbing. He had a stable of very expensive writers.

If you can’t avoid answering questions, learn from the opposition. On those very rare occasions when Democrats find themselves being asked a question they don’t wish to deal with, they pretend they were asked an entirely different question and that’s the one they answer.

So, whenever a reporter asks how you feel about some social issue, such as same-sex marriages, abortions or the legalization of marijuana, ask them how they feel about it. If the reporter replies that how he feels is unimportant because he’s not running for the Senate or the House, point out that you are, and the reason that you are is because you want to do something about ObamaCare, the EPA, taxes and unemployment, and finish up by mentioning that you intend to do everything in your power to restore America’s military might. By the time you stop talking, he’ll have probably forgotten his own silly question and so will everyone else.

Obama has been so badly damaged by the scandal at the VA and his pretense of knowing nothing about it until he read about it in some newspaper — even after we saw footage of his talking about the problems at the VA as far back as 2009 — that he was forced to don a military jacket and put his golf game on hold while he flew to Afghanistan for a photo op with the troops, laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknowns and gave a commencement address at West Point.

I know some people are put off by Obama’s obvious contempt for the military, a contempt shared by Secretary of State John Kerry. I, on the other hand, am more deeply offended when the alleged Commander-in-Chief feigns respect for those in uniform. At least the contempt has the saving grace of being sincere.

On the other hand, as much as I admire those who put their lives and limbs on the line in defense of America, the time has come to acknowledge that once they put those uniforms in moth balls and enter political life, as often as not they tend to show themselves to have feet of clay, if not something even grungier. I mean, everyone from John Murtha, Charley Rangel, Colin Powell and David Petraeus to John Kerry and Eric Shinseki, have worn the uniform with greater or lesser distinction, and all have proven themselves as civilians to be the moral equivalent of draft dodgers.

It seems that Mariel Hemingway is outraged because the brilliant muckraker, James O’Keefe, caught her and fellow pinhead Ed Begley, Jr., having lunch with an actor pretending to be an oil sheik looking to finance an anti-fracking feature film.

Even though the faux Arab confessed that he was only interested in the production because fracking would help make America energy-independent and would therefore cut into his oil profits, Hemingway and Begley seemed to be okay with it. At least neither of them skipped dessert and stalked out of the Beverly Hills Hotel, as I suspect they might have done had they known they were on camera.

I’m sure that the two Hollywood drips had no problem tarring Donald Sterling or Mitt Romney when their private conversations were transmitted to the world at large, but it was quite a different matter when it was their own oxen being gored in the public arena.

After listening to Ms. Hemingway bemoaning the invasion of her privacy to Fox’s Howard Kurtz, it’s obvious she doesn’t grasp that sting operations are often the only way to nail drug dealers, child porn producers and arrogant, self-congratulatory, Hollywood hypocrites, who put their own nutty environmental agenda ahead of the nation’s essential energy needs.

The irony of the situation is that in 2012, Matt Damon co-wrote, co-produced and starred in a stinker titled “Promised Land.”

The sole purpose of that film was to propagandize against the alleged evils of fracking. The movie was financed at a cost of $12 million by Image Productions, but was such a dud that apparently even ecology nutburgers Hemingway and Begley avoided it.

Image Productions, by the way, is solely owned by the government of Abu Dhabi.

Hillary, Barack and Bowe

I can’t quite decide which recent news item aggravated me the most. First there was Obama’s latest salvo in his war on coal, followed by Mrs. Clinton’s clumsy attempt to put Benghazi behind her and, finally, the swap of five Islamic terrorists for one Army prisoner.

Even though Obama’s plan to finish off the coal industry through the use of EPA regulations are expected to cost America 224,000 jobs each year for the next 16 years and send energy costs soaring across the board, the Democrats are all on board for it. It is amazing to me that so many Americans, the very people it will hurt the most, continue paying lip service to the hoax known as global-warming.

At present, coal supplies 40% of our electrical needs. You would think that even backward children would recognize that if a foreign nation attempted to cut off our coal supply, we would go to war with them. So why is it that millions of Americans, along with the liberals they elect to high office, are so willing to be complicit in the self-destruction of the nation’s economy?

That brings us to Hillary Clinton, who’s still acting coy about running for president and is about as convincing as a $10 hooker announcing that after turning another dozen tricks she’s entering a nunnery. It would take someone as arrogant and deceitful as Cruella d’Clinton to claim that the GOP is politicizing Benghazi when everyone knows or should know that the reason the massacre of the four Americans and the ensuing cover-up took place was because it was Obama’s pre-election mantra that Osama bin Laden was dead and Al Qaeda was on life support.

Hillary declares she won’t engage in a political slugfest over Benghazi on the backs of four dead Americans. It’s like Al Capone announcing that he won’t lower himself to debating the pros and cons of paying income taxes. I find it laughable for Hillary, who hasn’t taken a non-political breath since she was weaned 65 years ago, to ever condemn another for playing politics.

For my part, I say what difference, at this point, does it make what the lying shrew says. Let her wait until she’s in front of Trey Gowdy’s committee and her choice is to risk perjury charges if she lies or face a dashing of her presidential hopes if she takes a page from Lois Lerner’s playbook and pleads the Fifth.

When you see a 91-year-old Texas congressman running for re-election or an Eric Shinseki trying to hang on to his job at the VA in the midst of a media firestorm while being universally derided, you begin to grasp just how marvelous the perks are for a Washington insider.

That is why, if I were president, the first things I would do is banish every government limo within city limits, cut every congressional and bureaucratic office into three or four cubicles and slash everybody’s staff down to three or four people. That would be the rule for everyone, except, of course, for President Prelutsky. For me, it would be enough of a sacrifice to wear long pants and have to associate with politicians.

It occurred to me that if you happen to know a rich liberal, try sneaking into his house and setting up housekeeping. If he complains, accuse him of being a hypocrite. After all, why should anyone espousing comprehensive immigration reform (formerly known as amnesty) object to someone seeking a better life by scrounging off someone who has more? According to my rules, you collect extra points if you manage to sneak into Jeb Bush’s home or Barack Obama’s.

When you realize that in Mexico, 95% of all felonies go unpunished, you can better understand why they were so anxious to grab ex-Marine Andrew Tahmooressi, whose crime was being stuck in the wrong traffic lane. It improved their arrest numbers.

The main question regarding Jay Carney’s sudden bolt from the White House podium is whether he’ll ever be able to stop lying now that he’s no longer Obama’s mouthpiece or if the problem is now permanently ingrained.

Of all the ways in which this administration wastes money, perhaps nothing is quite as outrageous as foreign aid. Inasmuch as Sudan receives $300 million a year from us, you would think all it would take would be a phone call to get that Christian woman who faces 100 lashes and execution because of her religion released. But, as you may have noticed, we not only don’t attach any strings to our largesse, we even refuse to taint the gift by suggesting that occasionally a bit of gratitude would be appreciated. For $300 million, Sudan’s only response to our command that it jump should be “How high?”

It’s fascinating the way liberals feel free to trash conservative blacks like Clarence Thomas and Tom Sowell, women like Sarah Palin and Condoleezza Rice, or gays like GOP congressional candidate Carl DeMaio, condemning them as traitors to their race, gender or sexual orientation. However, when confronted by an actual traitor like Edward Snowden, their first instinct is to proclaim him a hero.

Speaking of heroes, I was as ready as anyone to break out the confetti and party hats to celebrate the return of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl until I heard the price of his release was the release of five Islamic terrorists from Gitmo. The next thing I heard was that far from being a hero, the reason Sgt. Bergdahl had been so easily abducted by the Taliban was because he had wandered off the military base in Afghanistan while attempting to desert.

His former colleagues aren’t looking forward to his being feted at the White House. They’d prefer to see him go directly to Leavenworth because American lives were lost by those who had to go searching for him. Not exactly a Private Ryan type saga.

Adding to the farce, we had Bergdahl’s father, looking like a jihadist, standing alongside Obama in the Rose Garden praising Allah and speaking Pashto, the lingo of the Taliban.

Speaking of the unspeakable, it occurs to me that Obama swore to shut down Gitmo. To achieve that result, all he needs now is to have a few more Army deserters snatched up by our enemies, and then swap the remaining terrorists for them.

If the Taliban dig in their heels, I’m betting our commander-in-chief could be persuaded to sweeten the deal by tossing in a few Happy Meals, his autographed photo of Oprah Winfrey, a beer summit with Joe Biden and a CD of Slim Whitman’s Greatest Hits.

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©2014 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/