Hey, World, I’m Straight

jason-collinsI went out on the street this morning, and to the first stranger  I met I said, “I’m straight.”

He looked me up and down, evidently taking note of my slouching posture, and said: “You don’t look straight to me. Try lifting your chin, pulling in your stomach and thrusting your pelvis forward.”

“No,” I said, “I mean that I am straight sexually. I am a heterosexual.”

“Why do you think I care?” the man said, and hurried on.

Having learned a lesson from this first encounter, I changed my line when I approached the next stranger, a woman this time. “I am a heterosexual,” I said.

“I’m not that good with big words,” she replied. “Does that mean you go to bed with little boys? You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“No, no,” I replied, a bit nervously, for I noticed a police officer standing a few yards away. “It means that I go to bed with women, on those rare occasions when I can find one who is willing.”

“Well, that’s vaguely interesting,” she said. “Would you like to tell me which sexual positions you prefer?”

“I consider that a rude invasion of privacy,” I said.

“Well, you were the one who brought the subject up,” she sniffed, and walked away.

I tried essentially the same approach with a half-dozen other people, and none of them seemed to care that I had conventional sexual preferences, if it is still legal to call them that.

So I went back home and called the White House. I do that every time I have a problem, and from the new, expansive, all-caring, people-loving Obama White House, where nobody’s personal problems are beneath the interest of the president and his staff, I got a more cordial response.

“Hello, White House,” I said, “I am a heterosexual.”

“Oh, you poor thing,” said the woman who took my call. “You must feel so isolated these days. Don’t fret about it. There are still quite a few heterosexuals out there, although hardly any have the courage to admit it. You are very courageous.”

“President Obama just called Jason Collins,” I said, “and I…”

“Who? Never heard of him.”

“The professional basketball player who announced that he was gay.”

“Oh, of course I remember now. Yes, the President wanted Mr. Crowley to know that he admired his courage.”

“That would be Mr. Collins,” I corrected.

“Yes, quite right.”

“Well, we have reached the point in human evolution where it is far more courageous to admit that you are not gay,” I said, “so do you think the president would like to call me?”

There was a commotion at the other end of the line, which was difficult to decipher because the staffer had obviously covered the mouthpiece of her phone. Finally, she came back on.

“The president will speak with you now,” she said. “What was your name?” I told her, and added that it is still my name.

“Mr. ——-,” a familiar voice said. “This is Barack Obama. I understand that you are a heterosexual. I have to admire your courage for admitting this, but I would advise you to be careful about when and where you do so. Don’t ask, don’t tell might be the safest policy.”

“That doesn’t sound like the advice you gave Jason Collins,” I said.

“Who? Oh, you mean that fifth-rate basketball player whose career is hanging by a thread? It was pretty clever of him to call attention to  himself that way. Nobody I know had ever heard of him before, and now he is the best-known basketball player in modern history. Makes me wonder whether he really is gay. He can pretty much have his pick of teams now, and if the coach doesn’t start him in every game, he will have the LGBT lobby to deal with. Dealing with them is no fun, believe me. I don’t know where anybody got the idea that they were a bunch of pansies.”

“May I ask why you called him, Sir?”

“I really can’t explain it,” the president replied. “If I had ignored him, he might have faded out of the NBA, and then I would finally get my opportunity to play big league hoops. I guess I just took my own B.S. about ‘caring’ too seriously.”

Author Bio:

Arthur Louis spent more than forty years as a print journalist, with the Philadelphia Inquirer, McGraw-Hill, Fortune magazine and the San Francisco Chronicle, but he is not asking for sympathy. He is the author of two non-fiction books: The Tycoons, and Journalism and Other Atrocities, as well as a novel, The Little Champ. In retirement, he has decided unilaterally that he is a profound political pundit.
Author website: http://bernardgoldberg.com
  • artlouis

    I suppose that next we should expect sex acts at public gatherings. Stick it to the prudes, right?

  • steve

    i am so sick of people going on tv to have there 5 min,,in the media,,oh,,im gay!!,,it makes me feel so much better that i tell everyone..and its at the point where if u are popular and say something negitive about it ,,then people will be on my side and think im a royal gay king….WHO AND THE BLEEP CARES…HEY,,IM HETORALSEXUAL,,ISNT THAT GREAT!!!!!!!WOW!!! THIS IS ABOUT THE MOST SELF CENTERD THING PEOPLE DO..CANT THEY JUST LIVE THERE LIVES QUIETLY,,AND NOT BOTTER OTHER PEOPLE WITH THERE 5 MIN ,,OF FAME..HOW ABOUT A GAY COUPLE HELP AN OTHER HETOROLSEXUAL,,OR GAY COUPLE WITH THERE PERSONAL LIVES,,O SAY,,MAYBE THERE UNEMPLOYED AND THEY NEED FOOD,,OR HELP PAY THERE POWER BILL FOR THEM,,U KNOW REALLY HELP SOMEONE,, INSTEAD OF BOTYHERING PEOPLE WITH NON INPORTAIN THINGS LIKE GETTING THERE 5 MIN OF FAME…BY THE WAY GOD DISAPROVES OF IT..BECAUSE U CANT MAKE KIDS..WOW,,ANOTHER PROBLEM..LIVE YOUR LIVES AND LEAVE THE REST OF US ALONE,,SO WE CAN CONSENTRATE ON THINGS LIKE RASIENING OUR FAMILYS,,AND NOW WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT KIND OF OTHER PROBLEMS OUR GAY PEOPLE WILL BRING TO US..LIVE YOUR LIVES AND JUST BE HELPFUL TO MAN KIND..IS THAT TO TOUGH TO DO??LET US KNOW SO WE CAN HELP UUUU….STEVE

  • Wheels55

    Funny stuff.
    Seriously, it points out what I have been saying. If one “comes out of the closet”, particularly in a big public way, then one has just made one’s private business very public. You are now fair game for cheers and jeers. Think about it before you stand on a soap box and declare some thing personal – most people don’t care and many that do care probably don’t care the way you want them too.
    Mr. Collins, it took courage to do what you did, but I don’t care. Keep your bedroom activities to yourself.
    “Playing ball” just won’t be the same anymore.

    • artlouis

      Thanks Wheels,
      I agree completely.

    • PeterFitzwell

      Exactly I hope he has thick skin. But he sure has a pretty mouth.

      • artlouis

        It seems to have been a very clever career move. Watch the outcry if he doesn’t get a contract.

        • PeterFitzwell

          I think his record is 6 teams in 12 years of play. Mid 30’s & pro sports is getting old & slow.

          • artlouis

            I predict that other marginal players, in all sports, are going to start coming out.

        • Wheels55

          When other players of major sports come out, America will start to yawn. The story is getting old and without a point.
          Now, if Collins were to become pregnant by another man and had an Obamacare late-term abortion, that would be big news.

          • artlouis

            He has to hope that Dr. Gosnell will be acquitted. Giving birth might present difficulties.