The Divided States of America

A few years ago, the folks on Martha’s Vineyard, a favorite Massachusetts island getaway for New England liberals, were under siege by a wild turkey named Tom. Unlike most turkeys who can be scared off by waving your hands or shouting at them, Tom enjoyed nothing better than attacking people. Shouting and waving merely egged him on. Compounding the problem, Tom led a flock of like-minded birds. If you think of the Hells Angels, but with wattles and feathers, you’ve got the picture.

Tom would even terrorize people in cars, daring them to come out and face him man to turkey. If they chose to wait him out, he’d peck the paint off their doors.

One day, the folks who rented cribs and cradles to vacationing tourists couldn’t make a delivery because Tom was chasing them around their truck, trying to draw blood with one of his spurs. In a panic, they dumped the stuff in the front yard and drove off. When the cops were called, Tom attacked them. Four bullets later, Tom was dead.

Naturally, Martha’s Vineyard being a community of liberals, it was the cops who came in for tons of grief. These are, after all, the same folks who get their shorts in a knot when American soldiers shoot jihadists, so you can imagine their outrage over a turkey being whacked.

I am recalling this event not merely to amuse you at the expense of liberal chickens, although that would normally be motive enough. This time, I am leading up to a reason why I think it’s time we divided America. I mean, can you imagine a town in Oklahoma, Montana or Alaska, being held hostage by psychotic poultry? That bird would only have had to look cross-eyed at a Texan and his next appearance would have been on a dinner platter with a side of cranberries.

It only makes sense to divide the United States along political lines. I’m not saying it would be easy, but it’s pretty obvious that the nation is growing increasingly polarized with roughly half the population favoring a huge federal government that oversees everything from smoking to nutrition, while the other half believes that the federal government has gone from being a necessary evil with the emphasis on necessary to one that is increasingly evil.

As I see it, the entire Pacific coast, along with the Northeast, favors Obama and the Democrats. Unfortunately, those two areas are separated by about 2,500 miles. Therefore, I would suggest connecting those two parts of the country with, say, a 30 mile corridor south of the Canadian border that would run through parts of Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Ohio and Pennsylvania. That America would include California, Washington, Oregon, New York, Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Maryland and New Jersey. We conservatives would give up Hawaii in exchange for Alaska. You can see where that would make for an odd-looking country, but no odder than the congressional districts that have been gerrymandered by the Democrats here in California.

I’m not being capricious about dividing a nation that has already cost 600,000 American lives lost during the war that was waged to preserve the Union. I simply see no other way to resolve the differences when half the population regards abortion as murder and the other half feels that young girls are entitled to state-funded abortions without parental consent. The same separation exists between those who favor same-sex marriages and those who don’t; those in favor of capital punishment and those who oppose it; those who respect the Second Amendment and those who’d like to abolish it; those who favor class and race warfare and those who believe their America is above such things; those who regard compulsory union membership as a good thing and those who don’t; those who defend public schools but send their own kids to private schools and those who believe in vouchers and home-schooling; those who oppose drilling for oil and digging for coal, and those who realize that alternative sources of energy might be sufficient for a house, but not for an industrial nation; and those who think that the rights of insects trump the rights of human beings and those of us who are sane.

If you believe that the bigger the federal government grows, the better it is, you will be right at home in the new America. If you not only believe that illegal aliens and jihadists are entitled to the same rights as a citizen, but believe that the government should intrude in every aspect of your life, including those that it is precluded from by the U.S. Constitution, you might even consider running for public office.

Just to avoid any possible confusion as to boundaries, we’d build a very high wall at both our southern and northern border.

There would be no hard feelings between our two nations, but knowing how opposed liberals are to military action and how unwilling they are to fund the Pentagon, they should not expect us squander our blood or treasure racing to save them if they are ever invaded by Canada or, for that matter, by a flock of really angry turkeys.


©2011 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!

Get your personally autographed copy of Liberals: America’s Termites or Portraits of Success for just $19.95, postpaid.
Get both for just $39.90.
Liberals: America’s Termites Profiles of Success (60 candid conversations with 60 Over-Achievers)

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • 154214274

    LV Outlet : A service business that 

    specializes can often charge a higher fee. Customers or clients expect to pay more for 

    specialized service. Some will even consider your higher fee as evidence you are the ultimate 

    expert.You will have competitors as long as you are in business. But these 3 ways of 

    positioning yourself will minimize their impact and allow you to generate sales with little or 

    no competition.

  • W. Weaver

    I thought I was breaking new ground but have been beat to the punch.My map begins just east of Brownsville, Tx. and extends in a straight line to the north border just northeast of Grand Rapids, North Dakota. The right side goes to the right, Republican, Right wing, Red, all r’s.
    Left goes to Liberals. In addition to some of the differences in the article there is also Immigration. The left can have open border with Mexico, the right can have legal immigration. The right has good old DC for its capital, the left can have Sacramento. The left can legalize drugs, enjoy socialism, tax the rich at 50%(or more, outlaw public displays of religion, rehabilitate murderers and child rapists, gov’t run healthcare and abortion for birth control. The right is a free market capitalist society, tort reform and buy health care across state lines, flat tax, wish each other Merry Christmas Happy Hanukah and Joyous Kwanza, capital punishment and pro life.
    All citizens that want to move to the other side can list their house on a website and be able to trade with another family that wants to move also. Funds from the Mexico border will now be used to build a fence between Left and Right America. You have a 2 year window in order to complete your move.

  • BWP

    an interesting thought, indeed, but CO is infested with liberal refugees from CA and TX who brought in big enough money to buy the Democrats out (I’m looking at you, Polis and Gill). This could get ugly, well, it already is….

    A more ‘realistic’ concept could be found at
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nine_Nations_of_North_America

  • Don Rhudy

    Burt, I enjoyed your Divided States of America. I’ve been arguing that something like this is inevitable, because, even if Obama is defeated in 2012, Republicans will lack the spine to return the nation to constitutional government. I think it’s inevitable that at least half the states will secede sometime in the future.

    If I was dividing the nation along the lines you’ve suggested, I’d have the Canadians build the connecting highway in Canada.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Shirl: I share your optimism. But if, by some awful set of circumstances, Obama were to be re-elected, all bets would be off. It’s one thing for an unenlightened, apathetic, electorate to be blindsided in 2008. However, if they keep him in the Oval Office, they won’t have any excuses.

    Burt

  • Shirl

    Sounds good to me Burt and the progressive liberals can live under their form of government and the conservatives can live under ours but when they go belly-up, they’ll all be clamoring to cross the border but by then it will be sealed. Seriously, this race-bating administration has really pitted all groups against each other but they will not succeed; this may be a blessing in disguise because America ALLWAYS overcomes her strifes.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Carolyn: I, too, can imagine the balmy breezes, the waves lapping at the shore…ah, peace, it’s wonderful.

  • Carolyn Beachley

    Excellent article…..I have said the very same thing for years now & I AM SERIOUS! Imagine life with NO liberals ahhhh I can feel the peace already!

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Dan: We are of like mind. In fact, in an earlier article I suggested that when we borrow money from China, we should put up San Francisco, Oakland and Berkeley, as collateral and then stop paying interest and let them collect.

    Burt

  • Wallace Flint

    Hi Burt,
    Holy Smoke! imagine two Americas in form, also. With the DAMNED LIBERAKS, IT’S ANYTHING GOES! What the hell, it’s anything goes, when it doesn’t affect them! We would end up being another Europe, with everybody going their own way. Thank God, election day is coning-what with little to say- at least we have a chance to kick their “asses” out of Washington,D.C.

    In God We Trust!
    Wally Flint- Boonville, NY

  • Dan

    I’ve actually come to that opinion myself, Burt. There are definitely 2 Americas, and we really just don’t like each other all that much. There’s nothing that’ll turn you into a big-government, tax the rich liberal, and I doubt Nancy Pelosi’s people could ever be made to come around to our way of thinking.

    The big problem is, as you note, real estate. I think we may need to gerrymander around some of the major blue states (God knows we don’t want Detroit or Chicago!), but it wouldn’t be that much area. Granted, it’d be really disruptive for people trapped on the other side of the divide (though I’d argue it’d be less disruptive than civil war or economic collapse), but there’d likely be a lot of travel in both directions so the real estate market would be able to lessen the blow.

    So our assets are divided — what about our liabilities? We’re really badly in hock to the Chinese (and the rest of the world), and if we defaulted there’d be world-wide economic collapse (aka “bad stuff”). I figure we could either divide the debt proportionally by gross state product, or even by population ratio. Either way you know “our” America would be paid off a little bit quicker than the Keynesian kingdom to the North.

    However, I have an easier way to deal with the debt. It may seem a bit extreme, but bear me out. I think we should consider selling California to China. Think about it! Sure, the real estate market has tanked recently, but there’s still some real value there. China doesn’t have as evolved an entertainment industry as we do, so they’d probably like to acquire California’s. And all those golf courses? What’s not to love.

    The only downside for the Chinese is that Pelosi, Boxer, and the like are far more left wing than the Chinese are these days. I’m sure they could figure out a way to get them to cool their jets, though.

    What do you think?

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Drew: I’d like to think you’re right, but some houses need to be divided. That’s why we have divorce laws on the books. You can’t just blame Obama; you have to recognize that as awful as he has been, over 40% of Americans are convinced that he’s been doing a bang-up job and intend to vote for him in November, no matter who the Republican candidate is. There’s no getting around the fact that the country is deeply divided philosophically; I just wish that my plan to divide it physically was more than just a Prelutsky pipe dream.

    Regards, Burt

  • Drew Page

    Burt — There are times when your suggestion of dividing the U.S. into two nations based on liberal and conservative political lines seems to be very tempting. However, whenever I think about this type of solution I reject it completely.

    I don’t want America to become the ‘house divided’. If that were allowed to happen America, the last best hope for the world, will have failed. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.

    I still have faith in the people of this country. I believe that the vast majority of us have the will to make the country work. Unfortunately, we have a sitting president who has used, and will continue to use, every possible opportunity to exploit our differences and turn them into all out class warfare. This is absolutely despicable.

    • John Detwiler

      What do you mean Drew? We are already a nation divided. We have the progressive liberals on one side of the political spectrum, and Constitutional stalwearts on the other. Until we get the liberal biased Teachers and Professors out of the educational system we will keep getting further and futther apart. Get rid of the NEA and teachers unions with the anti progressive tenor that forces us to continue the contracts of unqualified people, we will remain divided.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Mike & Jeannette: The swaths are supposed to be where the state’s liberals move to. If we start giving waivers to Michigan and Indiana, we’ll have to start doing it for every state. Besides, liberals don’t approve of guns so they won’t want to hunt and will probably move from Michigan to Minnesota where they can ski or just frolic in the snow. Now just bite the bullet and let’s get on with the division.

    Burt

    • Jeannette

      Burt: If I can bite fried rooster, I suppose biting the bullet couldn’t be that much different. Okay, so on with the show … er, division!

      What will you call the new swath dwellers?

    • Mike Jackson

      Consider the bullet bitten. Besides, our resident Canadians (so to speak) have graciously declined that request.

  • Mike Jackson

    Works for me Burt, but I don’t think the folks in Michigan’s UP will allow a 30 mile wide corridor in pristine hunting and fishing land.
    Maybe the liberal America could possibly persuade Canada to allow a 50 KM path through the wildernesses of Manitoba and Ontario? I doubt they’d go for it. They already have enough problems as it is.

    • cmacrider

      Mike: At the risk of staining diplomatic relations with the United States, we Canadians would have to gracefully decline your proposal to “put a 50Km path through the wildernesses of Manitoba and Ontario.” Presently that part of the country is occupied by black bear, deer, moose, and porcupines and other intelligent species. They all raise their families without government assistance or entitlements so I can’t see it as a good fit for American liberals.

      • Michael

        “Presently that part of the country is occupied by black bear, deer, moose, and porcupines and other intelligent species. They all raise their families without government assistance or entitlements so I can’t see it as a good fit for American liberals.”

        Excellent. :)

        • Mike Jackson

          Agreed. I really can’t see it either. Fortunately for Canada, Trudeau is gone so common sense can again rule the day.

      • Mike Jackson

        You forgot to mention beaver, which is a truly noble creature. :)
        In any event, I didn’t expect our northern neighbors to accept such an idea. Nor would I expect your aforementioned species to accept any intrusion, regardless of good intent, to be particularly thrilled about such an intrusion into their privacy and way of life. :)

  • Jeannette

    Burt: May I digress from your story? I suppose the answer is yes.

    When I was little, my mother had chickens — and a rooster — in the back. My sister and I sold or gave eggs away to neighbors, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.

    Once the rooster became enraged at me for something or other — just being, I imagine — and flew at me and clawed my dress down the front, managing to create quite a chaotic scene.

    For the first time — and only time, as far as I can remember — we had fried rooster instead of a fried chicken. My dad was pretty angry at that bird.

    As far as your solution about dividing the states is concerned, the only thing I really don’t like about it is having a swath cut out of Indiana to do it. What happens to the swath dwellers?

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Rose: I didn’t see that you denied anything I wrote about the Vineyard. If anything, I believe you confirmed it.

    Larry: I think you’ll be a lot happier in the Ozarks with your son and daughter-in-law than you’d be on Martha’s Vineyard, where liberals are easily terrified by tom turkeys and conservatives.

    Burt

  • Larry Wallace

    That was beautiful Burt. My surviving son just moved to the Missouri Ozarks where the living is cheaper, more laid back, lower taxes and where everyone embraces the second amendment with gusto. Being from Illinois I am disgusted with Illinois/Chicago politics and looking forward to a move to Missouri to be with my son and his new bride of one week.

  • Rose

    Wow. As a Martha’s Vineyard year round resident, this entire article is down right hilarious. Using Tom the turkey, in a very exaggerated way mind you, to sum us all up as a prelude to your dividing of America nonsense…instant laughter. And poor Tom. A few Dem Presidents vacation here and that’s what you have reduced us too. What else can I do but laugh and hope that the people who read this stuff, are smart enough to think for themselves. But hey, keep the Vineyard on the map and in the discussion…it’s good for our summer tourist season. Cheers!

  • Bill Hurdle

    The question in my mind is how did we get to this point? During my lifetime, it appears that the “exploited masses sentiment” has grown from an outlier to a significant 30%+ of the population. My personal belief is that the bleeding heart liberals have dominated the educational system and used it for incoctrination.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Doom161: The answer to your question is that in order to win presidential elections in the Undivided States of America, a candidate has to woo voters who are not very conservative. That is one of the reasons why Newt Gingrich is one of the Republicans who could make it possible for Obama to win re-election. Because of his extensive baggage, his presence on the ticket would force some Republicans to stay home and he would probably lose most of the independent voters, who at present are disenchanted with Obama.

    Burt

    • Michael

      “That is one of the reasons why Newt Gingrich is one of the Republicans who could make it possible for Obama to win re-election. Because of his extensive baggage, his presence on the ticket would force some Republicans to stay home”

      Yeah, and that’s why Romney beat Gingrich by twelve points in South Carolina. Gingrich just made all of those Republicans want to stay home.

  • Mark Rhoades

    The new Republican America will have to provide for the millions of Republican refugees living in California. Otherwise, there’s going to be an uprising that will make the war in Kosovo look like a church social.

  • Mark Rhoades

    The new Republican America will have to provide for the millions of Republican refugees who live in California. Otherwise, there’s going to be an uprising that will make the war in Kosovo look like a church social.

  • DOOM161

    If half the country doesn’t like big government, why haven’t they nominated a candidate in my lifetime that was in favor of shrinking the government?

  • Nancye

    Burt wrote:

    I simply see no other way to resolve the differences when half the population regards abortion as murder and the other half feels that young girls are entitled to state-funded abortions without parental consent. The same separation exists between those who favor same-sex marriages and those who don’t; those in favor of capital punishment and those who oppose it; those who respect the Second Amendment and those who’d like to abolish it; those who favor class and race warfare and those who believe their America is above such things; those who regard compulsory union membership as a good thing and those who don’t; those who defend public schools but send their own kids to private schools and those who believe in vouchers and home-schooling; those who oppose drilling for oil and digging for coal, and those who realize that alternative sources of energy might be sufficient for a house, but not for an industrial nation; and those who think that the rights of insects trump the rights of human beings and those of us who are sane.

    *******************

    When you divide us up – and do hurry – please put Alabama in the group in the above paragraph.

    • Nancye

      oops! I didn’t divide the paragraph into two sections. Okay – please put Alabama in the conservative half. Thank you.

  • G. Daylan

    You need to add Illinois to the Progressive States of America.

    • Glen Stambaugh

      Panhandles were created for just such needs.
      If this were to happen, AmericaII would begin to look like East Berlin, and the wall would be necessary to keep them out. God forbid we should seriously need such a solution at some future point.

      Burt, you’re certainly right about such a turkey’s fate here in Texas. He’d hit the deep frier and fast. Hilarious!