Think You’re Safe, Do Ya?

Hey there, all you conscientious and not-entirely-irresponsible citizens! Welcome to the first Never Again-ual Safe Thinking Education Exam (NASTEE). This test is open-book (it doesn’t matter which book—open up Tortilla Flat for all I care), and multiple choice. Please use a #2 pencil, and clean your monitor screen after you finish.

1)      Your daughter’s kitten got stuck in the tree in front of your house. What is the safest way to get her (the kitten) down?

(a)   Call the fire department

(b)   With a 40-caliber pistol

(c)   Kitten? My daughter doesn’t ha….hold on. TIFFANY! GET DOWN HERE!!!

(d)  With a 45-caliber pistol

 

2)      Your shirt accidentally catches fire while you’re grilling your dinner. What should you do?

(a)   Call the fire department

(b)   Order take-out

(c)    Check the shirt’s collar tag for extinguishing instructions

(d)   Look up broiling recipes

 

3)      Assuming you’re not a complete idiot and you called the fire department, what is the first instruction they’re most likely to give you?

(a)   Stop, drop, and roll

(b)   Shake, rattle, and roll

(c)    Moe, Larry, and Curly

(d)   Blame George W. Bush

 

4)     Sitting very close to the television set is:

(a) perfectly fine, unless it’s on

(b) the only way I can enjoy scrambled porn

(c) a barely passable substitute for a trip to the optometrist

(d) downright necessary until those ESPN numbnutses increase the size of the on-screen score and game clock

 

5)      While you’re driving to work, another driver tailgates you for a couple of miles, and then passes you at a very high speed. What should you do?

(a)   Forget about it—it’s not worth your time

(b)   Call the fire department

(c)    Shake, rattle, and roll

(d)   Floor it so hard the gas pedal puts a permanent mark in your coco-mat, overtake the other driver, set your cruise control, open your sunroof, stand up, and throw your open flask at his windshield

 

6)      While moving into the house you just bought, you find in the garage several assorted cleaners and chemicals, including a half-full can of liquid that’s missing the label. You don’t have the contact information of the previous homeowners. What should you do?

(a)   Contact your local waste management office.

(b)   Set the contents on fire and call the fire department

(c)    Whatever you do, DON’T drink or touch the liquid–try identifying it by opening the can and taking a good, deep whiff; assuming you’ve figured out what it is, use it accordingly once you’ve regained consciousness

(d)   Hunt down the previous owners with every resource you can muster, and savagely beat the information out of them

 

7)      While at the supermarket, a bottle of olive oil is knocked off the shelf and spilled by the young child of an unaware mother. What do you do?

I work at a quizzing firm as a multiple-choice staffer.

No, I mean what should you do about the spill?

Oh. (a) Ask the child’s mother to get an employee while you stay and guard the spill

(b)   Hunt down the child and beat an apology out of him

(c)    Spill some crushed tomatoes and oregano into the oil and clean it all up with

linguine noodles

(d)   Call the fire department

 

8)       While you’re in the waiting room at your doctor’s office, the woman before you collapses to the floor from her chair. What should you do?

(a)   Alert the office staff as you clear the area around her

(b)   Hide her and relish your move forward in the waiting order

(c)    Give her mouth-to-mouth, provided she’s attractive

(d)   Call Moe, Larry, and Curly

 

9)      Your 16-year-old son has saved up enough money and is ready for you to take him car-shopping. What’s the first place you should visit?

(a)   A local dealership in good standing with the Better Business Bureau that offers used cars that are reasonably safe and easy for a young driver to maintain

(b)   Your liquor cabinet

(c)    “Brooklyn Bennie’s Semi-Inspected Police Auction Rejects (We Offer Financin’)”

(d)   “Underpowered Mopeds ‘R Us”

 

10)  Which of the following is an example of proper child safety measures for your home?

(a)   Locks that prevent access to cabinets & drawers that may contain dangerous items

(b)   An ill-tempered guard dog roughly the size of a 1977 Toyota

(c)    Securing tall furniture against walls with scotch tape

(d)   Blocking staircases and certain rooms with gates lined with electrified barbed wire

 

Scoring: give yourself one point for each answer you gave for questions 1-4, 5-6, 7, and 8-9. Also 10. Give yourself an extra point if you added “and then throw a lit road flare” to answer 5-d. Give yourself two extra points if the fire department hasn’t filed a restraining order against you. And give yourself an additional ten points if you managed to get a hold of Moe, Larry, and Curly.

Good job, and be sure to study up for the next quiz topic, Proper Use of Aramaic and Cuneiform in Prison Letter Writing.

Author Bio:

Jeffrey Webb is just an average, blue-collar guy who likes to write stuff. He left his home state of Vermont for California with his family at age 7 and has regretted it ever since. A 24-year veteran of the home improvement industry, his hobbies include cooking, playing the drums, and verbally savaging annoying celebrities. He lives in San Diego with his extremely patient wife and two children.
  • sjangers

    Pretty funny stuff, Jeffrey. As a conscientious and not-entirely irresponsible citizen, sadly I wasn’t always sure about the right answers to your quiz. You wouldn’t happen to know whether the greater force of a .45 caliber round is offset by the greater muzzle velocity and penetrating power of the .40 caliber round when shooting up into foliage, would you?

    Sorry to hear you’ve regretted your move from Vermont to California. I’m not sure about your reasons, but I stayed in Vermont at age seven and I’ve been having my doubts about that decision ever since.

    • Jeff, author

      Thanks, s.
      I don’t have enough data yet to answer the ammo question–dang kitten moves awful quick.

    • Wheels55

      When shooting through foliage, choose the great muzzle velocity. To be sure, you should own several types and calibers of guns…and have a good landscaper on hand.

  • Wheels55

    With every one of those I would call President Obama and ask him to issue some kind of executive order. Then I would lower my expectations – a lot.