Turkeys, Turkeys and More Turkeys

In a recent article, I wrote about a rogue turkey named Tom who had terrified the liberals on Martha’s Vineyard in much the same fashion as outlaw motorcycle gangs were often depicted terrorizing towns and vacationing families in a spate of lousy movies during the 50s and 60s.

In the aftermath, I heard from a number of readers who, like Ben Franklin, insisted that turkeys were a very intelligent bird. I wrote back to let them know about my wife’s Nebraska uncle who raised turkeys until the day of a huge rainstorm, when the entire flock drowned while staring at the sky with their beaks wide open. I then heard from several hunters who didn’t doubt my veracity, but explained that there was a world of difference between wild and domestic turkeys.

Wild turkeys, they assured me, had not had their brains and survival instincts bred out of them.

After mulling it over, I concluded that the gulf between the two types of birds was similar to that which exists between liberals and conservatives. Liberals are terrified of guns, cigarette smoke, salt, sugar, meat, Republicans, photo IDs for voters and talk radio; what doesn’t concern them are abortions on demand for 14-year-olds, jihadists, illegal aliens, illegal drugs, a $16 trillion national debt, public sector unions, the gutting and neutering of our military, an energy policy that seeks to demolish our oil and coal industries while blowing billions of tax dollars promoting the president’s cronies in the solar panel business, a nuclear Iran and a left-wing community organizer in the Oval Office.

It figures that while liberals in and out of Congress tar Tea Party members and Fox News viewers as partisan rubes, bigots and traitors, they trumpet the NY Times, the alphabet networks and such venues as the Daily Kos, the Huffington Post and Media Matters, as examples of honest and objective news reporting.

Perhaps the most appalling of them all is Media Matters, which enjoys the status of being a tax-exempt, non-profit, enterprise, passing itself off as politically non-partisan. The mere fact that George Soros underwrites it should provide sufficient proof that it is about as non-partisan as Jay Carney. Initially, Mediocre Matters, as it’s is known in certain circles, was the illegitimate offspring of MoveOn.org and the New Democrat Network, and was housed in office space provided by John Podesta, the former chief of staff to Bill Clinton. By and large, its staff members cut their teeth and sharpened their claws working for the likes of John Edwards, Wesley Clark and Barney Frank, aka the Axis of Evil.

Further proof of its true nature is that, without sticking its tongue in its collective cheek, the group identified Dan Rather as a non-partisan anchorman and claimed with an equally straight face that the majority of America’s newspaper editorial writers are — hold on to your hats! — conservatives.

The question that springs to mind is where the heck do I go to obtain my tax-exempt status? Heck, I’m twice as politically neutral as George Soros.

I have come to the conclusion that the late Tim Russert was a world class practical joker. Why else would he have decided that conservative states would be designated red and liberal states blue when, for about 90 years, the world recognized that red was the color of choice for communist and socialist nations and their flags?

It made as much sense to suggest that California and Massachusetts should be considered blue and Utah and Oklahoma should be labeled red as to suggest that traffic signals should be reversed so that green means stop and red means go.

When Nancy Pelosi said that ObamaCare would have to be passed before anyone would find out what was tucked away in its 2000-plus pages, she wasn’t just whistling “Dixie.” It now turns out that, beginning in 2013, ObamaCare imposes a 3.8% tax on unearned income, which could apparently apply to proceeds from the sale of single family homes, townhouses and co-ops. In other words, even if you’re lucky enough to find a buyer for your $300,000 home, the feds will cut themselves in for $11,400. Combined with the 6% ($18,000) fee the realtor would receive from the sale, you just might decide to stay put and ultimately use the house as your crypt, thus saving your kids the cost of a burial plot and coffin.

Finally, having always wanted to have a natural law carry my name, in the way that various such laws are credited to the likes of Murphy (“Anything that can go wrong, will”) and Parkinson (“Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion”), I take pride in introducing Prelutsky’s Law (“A period of idleness will expand to meet the length of time that unemployment compensation is paid”).


©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!

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Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • Miltm13

    Burt,
     
    All turkeys are amusing in a quirky way, just like you. Until recently, we had wild turkeys all over Lawerence Livermore National Laboratory, where I used to work. One day, the brain trust that runs the Lab (corporate interlopers) decided to remove them. That was because they were such a threat to safety, or because it would have been such an embarrassement to the Lab that those poor little turkeys probably could have run the National Lab better than than the foul fowls they have in there now!
     
    It was sad to see how the U.S. Government trapped those turkeys, while the rest of their flock/family fluttered around the cage, wondering how they could save their loved ones.
     
    This is not a metaphorical political comment. I was there and I saw it happen. It was very sad to see a lone (untrapped) turkey walking around and seeing its own reflection in a glass door and thinking it finally found another bird of the feather.
     
    Yes. Turkeys are probably dumb (but I don’t think so, since I’ve obseverved them in a rainstorm, and I’ve never seen one raise their heads to drown). What I think is dumb is the management of LLNL told us employees not to ever bother the turkeys. But, as soon as they saw them as a nusiance, they started trapping them in cages, and breaking apart bird families. I know that may sound dumb, but most birds do bond for life.

    The next time you hear a politician and believe he/she is telling you the truth. You better ask yourself if you’re a protected bird, or just a nusiance that the government can come and trap to make sure that you’re not making trouble.

    On this one I may have to go with the turkeys, since the American voters actually voted the chicken-s–t  that we have to call President.

    Turkeys are cute and funny, let’s get the eagle.

  • BurtPrelutsky

    Drew: We agree.  I don’t even think the Supremes should wait until summer.  It’s too important.  They should be able to release a majority and minority opinion before the end of April, instead of waiting for the last day before taking off for their vacations.

    Burt 

  • Drew Page

    Excellent article Burt.   I too was confused by the assignment of the color red to conservative (Republican) states and blue to liberal (Democrat) states.  I have always associated the color red with the flags of communist countries.

    I also remember Obama’s promises that his health care legislation would not increase the taxes of any American, not even a dime.   Maybe he should be forgiven for that statement, since he never bothered to read those 2,700 pages before signing them into law, but I don’t think I will forgive him for that, or for requiring that $500 billion should be taken from Medicare funding over a ten year period to offset the cost of Obamacare.

    For these reasons, and all the other problematic ones that we are as yet blissfully unaware, Obamacare should be declared un-Constitutional in its entirety.

  • BurtPrelutsky

    Iklwa: I get the part about the vultures, but why would birds be impervious to cayenne pepper?  It’s not the smell, but the taste that causes the reaction that most normal people, along with most normal four-legged creatures, try to avoid.

    If you have a moment, would you please explain “Iklwa”?  As it’s obviously not your name, what does it stand for?

    Burt

    • Iklwa

      Taste buds and the olfactory glands are linked in the brains of mammals. Not being a biologist, I can’t explain the phenomena fully; however, I know the facts to be true. Birds can’t smell. They are sight hunters and as such movement and silhouettes register fear or feed responses. The lack of an ability to smell negates “spicy” flavors be they pepper or rancid flesh.
       
      I chose the name “Iklwa” because I debate the local leftists on-line through our newspapers and I like to think I present more than a “thon” in their sides. Sadly, there are far fewer supporters of rational thought than the crazies in my area (Bellingham, NW Washington State).
       
      Iklwa is onomatopoeia for the short-handled, long-bladed, stabbing spear developed by the conqueror Shaka Zulu. It represents the sounds made when piercing one’s opponent and then withdrawing the implement rapidly.
       
      Can an on-line handle be taken to the extreme?

  • Iklwa

    An interesting similarity between wild turkeys, birds in general and liberals is none has a sense of smell!
     
    The White-tailed Deer, assorted bears, coyotes, foxes, wolves and just about every wild mammal have extremely acute olfactory powers. Birds, on the other hand, have no nose capabilities at all.
     
    Picture a vulture with a sense of smell. He would be in deep trouble if he got a whiff of what was on the menu. That is why one can douse delicate plants with cayenne pepper and keep the four legged wildlife away but birds are impervious to its effects.
     
    How do you think liberals can stomach the swill they attempt to pass off as policy? Heck, they don’t even blush when they tell you about how good our economy is getting or how much they care “for the little guy”. They obviously can’t smell.
     
    I suspect that were there no opposition to liberalism and every policy proposed by Mr. Obama, Ms. Pelosi and Mr. Reed was put into affect, there would be widespread insurrection against a liberal federal government within ten years…even if the stink went undetected.

  • BurtPrelutsky

    Michael: I agree with you.  Moreover, I have tried every way I can to contact Team Romney to offer my writing services.  No luck so far.  I hope it doesn’t prove to be a fatal flaw in his attempt to win the election.   Ronald Reagan did not write his own material and neither did FDR or even Ike.

    I’m not saying Romney needs to start telling jokes, but he has to start saying something that people can take away from his speeches, and a little ridicule targeting Obama and his administration would not be out of line.  It would sure beat his telling us that Obama is a nice guy.  It reminds me of McCain’s refusal to mention Bill Ayers, Tony Rezko or Jeremiah Wright, during his pitiful campaign.

    Burt

    • Michael

      I was also perplexed by the soft approach Republicans took toward Obama in 2008.  It wasn’t just McCain.  It was also the same political geniuses who now can’t get people fired up about Romney.  If they don’t start going for the political jugular, we’re doomed, no matter how bad Obama is.  Why?  Because no matter the facts, Team Obama can lie and spin without remorse, in a way that the old CPSU would envy, and our masses – willfully ignorant of anything beyond entertainment – will take their word for it.

      • Iklwa

        I too had trouble with understanding how rational (supposedly) individuals could spout deception and outright lies without blanching until I realized the vulture analogy was accurate.
         
        It all gets back to something Bernie Goldberg refers to from time to time…”fish don’t know he’s wet”.
         
        In this case, liberals can’t smell the rot.
         
        And you know what they say, “The fish rots from the head down.”

  • cmacrider

    Burt:  You wrote “ ….. Tim Russert was a world class practical joker. Why else would he have decided that conservative states would be designated red and liberal states blue when, for about 90 years, the world recognized that red was the color of choice for communist and socialist nations …..”

    I have always been mystified by this red state/blue state classification but did not know it was attributable to Tim Russert.  I had concluded that Republican states were called “red states” simply because they had READ, understood, and believed in the U.S. Constitution. The Democratic states were “blue states” simply because the significance of the Constitution was beyond their grasp and blew completely over their heads.   Obama’s recent attempt to intimidate the SCOTUS would seem to confirm this theory.

    • Michael

      Very good. :)

  • DOOM161

    Russert wasn’t playing a practical joke.  He was actively trying to convince leftists that republicans are communists.  I’ll let you decide if he succeeded.

  • Glen

    Burt, excellent summary on liberal “values” and “thought”.  Great article!

  • gdaylan

    One of your very best Burt.  the Demos found Obama, a super salesman who sold hope as a policy and the best the Repubs can do is Romney.  He might be a good CEO but he stinks in sales.

    • http://www.facebook.com/michael.o.r.jackson Mike Jackson

      He needs some work on the sales end, but he is a good CEO and that’s what we need. We also need a board of directors and executive committee (House & Senate) who will work with him as well. Hopefully we’ll have both after November.

  • Michael

    Burt, your fourth paragraph is better than anything I’ve read from the RNC, the current Republican candidates, or any Republican spokesperson.  I know we’ve talked about this before, but I’ll say it again:  Republicans MUST become better communicators.  Much of what I read from Republican office holders and candidates is insulting, and reminiscent of letters from televangelists promising miracles if I’ll just buy a prayer cloth or two (I mean no offense to users of prayer cloths).   

    If Republicans can’t find good communicators in the workforce, then maybe they should look for older, more mature, more experienced writers – people in retirement.  If Republicans have to set up a recruiting booth at senior citizen centers and retirement homes, or go door-to-door through the snowbird campers parked in the desert, or bust up a checkers tournament in the park, or whatever, I don’t care.  I just wish they’d do it.     

    • Drew Page

      Michael, I agree that Republicans must be better communicators.   They seem to be trying to convince the voting public of the rightness of their cause intellectually, by employing facts and figures, posted on charts and graphs, citing statistics from the Department of Labor, the IRS and other souch sources.  Republicans point to unsustainable national debt and entitlement program “reforms”.  

      The Democrats know that the majority of voters don’t pay attention to statistics, charts and graphs and can count on 90% of voters not knowing what “unsustainable” means.  Democrats say “The Republicans want to take away your Social Security and Medicare”.  they show pictures of a guy in a blue suit (who looks like Paul ryan) pushing an old lady in a wheelchair over a cliff.   They say “Republicans have declared a WAR ON WOMEN because  some have reacted negatively to president Obama’s claims that all women should be provided free contrceptives.   Free?  Somebody has to pay for this stuff.  Mr. Obama wants to make insurance companies do this.  But why did he pick on insurance companies?  Why didn’t he direct all drug stores to dom this, or better still, the manufacturers of these products?  

      Republicans hope to persuade people by appealing to their intelligence.  Democrats kick the voters in the gut, or even lower, to get their attention.

      • NANCYE

        Drew said:

        Republicans hope to persuade people by appealing to their intelligence. 

        ……………………………….

        That’s because Republicans have more sense than Democrats.