In case you haven’t heard, Election Day is coming soon, and the tension and excitement are very real and omnipresent–you can cut ‘em with a knife, dunk ‘em in a vat of marinade, and burn ‘em on a skewer surrounded by peppers and mushrooms. The end of this election season can’t come soon enough for me, and I’m sure my reasons are no different than those of all the other End Cant Waiters out there.
First of all, I know I’m not alone being sick of all the intelligence-insulting campaign ads on my TV. Producers of these ads should think about picking the brains of the guys who make beer commercials, whom we’ll allow to insult us all day long and then start in on our families as long as their ads feature women wearing what appear to be three or four fabric swatches connected by vermicelli noodles.
I’m also tired of the not knowing. I just want to know once and for all if I’m going to live in a country of, by, and for the Executive Order Wielding Wannabe King. The anticipation is damn near killing me, and there’s nothing in Obamacare’s septillion pages that addresses that.
Then there’s the mail. There’s just so much mail. Oh for the sweet love of Our Almighty God In Heaven Above there are gobs and gobs and gobs of relentless migraine-inducing campaign mail. My mailbox has been sporting permanent stretch marks since September, and if it were to ever come alive, I’m positive its first words would be “#$*%ing politicians!”
Let’s not leave out the elevated level of rhetoric we get from the pundits, of course, starting with the lovely lady on CNN with the adorable, perfect combination Spanish-Irish name, Soledad O’Brien. (If I were Joe Biden I’d probably be saying “Luna McShaughnessy”, but much like the VP’s brain that’s neither here nor there.) She appears to suffer from some weird ear virus that, when a criticism of Barack Obama enters the auditory canal, causes her to scoff condescendingly at others. My number one barrelfish, however, is MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, for whom I have a separate medical theory. I’ve come to believe that just before he learned of Barack Obama’s existence, he happened to undergo a groundbreaking scientific experiment where his Y-chromosome was removed, and replaced with a synthetic gland that secretes morphine. The result of this unfortunately successful operation is a mutant TV personality who feels thrills up his legs at the sound of Obama’s voice, loses a pint of saliva (and two minutes of air time) when asking a guest one question, and hallucinates a flock of bigots strutting through that pallid melon of his whenever someone fails to feel sexually stimulated by the president.
Speaking of pundits I’d repeatedly whack upside the head if felonies weren’t so costly, Sean Hannity could use some counseling, and if he’s already getting it then he should invest in shock treatments. If you’re wondering why, try this little task: listen to his show from start to finish for one week (okay, it’s more a fat stack of chores assigned by a prison warden than a little task), and count how many times he carps about certain things Democrats say about Republicans. I’ll specify two that Mr. Hannity seems especially irked about: A) “Republicans want to throw Granny off a cliff,” and B) “Republicans want dirty air & dirty water.” (And by “especially irked about” I really mean “forever emotionally damaged to the point of fantasizing about shooting up a crowded kindergarten class.”)
This is not to sound like a defense of liberal vitriol; I also thought those two claims were out of line. It’s just that Hannity is really big on litanies as part of his shtick, and this particular one got old. You could ask any war veteran, Holocaust survivor, or cancer patient about the worst trauma he/she has experienced in life, and it’ll seem like a backscratch in a bubble bath compared to the unspeakable terror that Sean Hannity endured hearing about Republicans’ alleged hostility towards the elderly and the environment. The guy is an obsessive, fixated fool.
I don’t know about you, but I suddenly feel better. The venting did a lot of good, and it certainly helps that I haven’t gotten the mail yet.
Copyright © 2013 BernardGoldberg.com