Why I Can’t Be God

I have come to the realization that I am not cut out to be God. I mention that because there was actually a time when I thought I could handle the job. I’m not just bragging. I just figured that if I’d been in charge, I would have prevented the Holocaust, I would have given Stalin and Mao heart attacks in their 20s, I would have done away with cancer and Alzheimer’s, I would kept the temperature in the low 70s year round here in the San Fernando Valley and I’d have steered Juan Williams into a different line of work .

But I have come to the conclusion that I lack the prerequisite of patience. I can’t tell you how many times if I had the power, I would have scrubbed the human race and started over from scratch. I’d probably have let dogs and elephants run things. Clearly, leaving people in charge is a big mistake. Especially when you look around the world and you see people like Kim Jong Un, Vladimir Putin, the Castro brothers, Bashar al-Assad, Asif Ali Zardari, Hamid Karzai, Xi Jinping, Mohamed Morsi, Mahmoud Abbas, Robert Mugabe, the mullahs of Iran and Barack Obama, running things.

Some would say that Obama doesn’t belong on a list with all those tyrants, but, fortunately, I don’t have to live with those guys. I don’t have to listen to their self-serving blather day after day. None of them is in a position to leave our Constitution in tatters, our nation in ruins. Therefore, if I could replace any one of them with a sane and decent man, it would be Obama.

Quite often, I find myself wishing that Obama had stayed in Illinois and settled for being the governor. I’m sure he wouldn’t have handled that job any better than he’s handled the presidency, but at least there’s a history of those guys winding up in the poky. In fairly recent history, four of those mugs — Otto Kerner, Dan Walker, George Ryan and Rod Blagojevich — went from the governor’s mansion to the penitentiary.

Speaking of Obama, there’s a delicious irony in the fact that the industries that he has championed in word and with our tax dollars — namely, electric cars and solar panels — have failed miserably. However, the one he has waged a campaign against — gun manufacturing — has flourished to such an extent that in 2011, alone, the sale of guns and ammo resulted in federal excise taxes of $4.59 billion!

If Obama weren’t such a left-wing zealot, he’d have supported the latter enterprise and ignored those silly green companies, and today he might be receiving plaudits instead of having his economic prowess ridiculed.

Speaking of money, Huma Abedin, while serving as an advisor to Mrs. Clinton at the State Department and pulling down $135,000-a-year, was also acting as a well-paid consultant to private firms. I’m not sure what her official duties were at the State Department, but I’m sure that Mrs. Clinton and Ms. Abedin, who’s Mrs. Anthony Weiner in real life, shared many a laugh over the fact that neither of their ludicrous husbands could keep his pants zipped up for more than five minutes at a time.

Did I mention that Kirsten Powers, aka Ms. Smug, used to date Mr. Weiner? Oh , what a tangled web they weave in the cesspool that serves as our nation’s capital.

As if we didn’t already know it, a new study concludes that strong men tend to be conservatives. If you’ve attended movies during the past 50 years, you probably know that John Wayne, Gary Cooper, Jimmy Stewart, Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood, were and are straight shooters off screen, as well as on. Whereas anyone who has ever seen young twerps swooning over the likes of Bruce Springsteen or seen the testosterone-deprived fans lighting candles and swaying at Bono’s concerts could have saved them the price of the study.

In case you missed the news, O.J. Simpson has asked for a new trial, contending his former lawyer, Yale Galanter, had done a lousy job of defending him during his trial for armed robbery.

Well, clearly any schmuck who’s been found guilty is convinced that the problem isn’t that he committed the crime, but that his mouthpiece blew it.

What I want to know is why the legal system allows a felon to have a hearing based, not on new evidence, but merely because he wound up in the cooler. It seems to me that if you hire someone who has gone to law school and passed the bar to defend you, unless you can prove he took a bribe to throw your case, you shouldn’t get a mulligan.

Finally, we’ve all recently witnessed the farce in Washington in which three of the most powerful individuals in the nation — Barack Obama, Eric Holder and Hillary Clinton — all insisted that nobody ever gave them the slightest hint what was going on in Benghazi, at the IRS or the offices of the Associated Press.

Frankly, I’d be prepared to accept that they had switched jobs with some janitor named Tyrone, leaving it up to him to make all the tough decisions, except that I don’t really believe the three of them, individually or together, are competent to unclog sinks, wash windows or change light bulbs.

In the meantime, we are stuck with a president so divisive that while his opponents regard him as dangerous, even his defenders find him disengaged. Republicans view him as a menace to America and the world, while a great many Democrats consider him passive and as a man who leads from behind.

For my part, I say God help us. Please.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • JohnInMA

    It sounds like a Greeky myth – deity vs. deity. Replacing Obama when his followers in the general population and his accolytes in the chattering class and the media see him as a deity himself would require a cosmic struggle, perhaps. Even now, with polls across so many issues showing great dissappointment and further eroded trust in government, Obama still polls ahead of everthing else. People are unwilling to hold him responsible. It may be that the ineffectual education system is actually effective in at least one way. Many give Obama points (perhaps ‘extra credit’) for TRYING. Or at least appearing to try. Winning or succeeding is just passe.

  • Todd Zaino

    If there is a God Burt…we’ll be seeing Obama, Holder, and Hillary all led off somewhere wearing handcuffs.