Why Won’t Al Franken Leave Me Alone?

I used to sympathize with my wife because every day’s mail brought her half a dozen requests from the likes of the RNC, Newt Gingrich and Dick Morris, to send money. She rarely sent any money, but she would faithfully fill out the enclosed questionnaires. No matter how often I would tell her that they weren’t interested in her opinion, only her checkbook, she would labor on. When she was in one of her feistier moods, she would ask me what made me think anyone was interested in my opinion. I blamed such outbursts on her youth.

But things have changed. Although I rarely receive the sort of junk mail Yvonne gets, over the past few months I have started receiving political email requesting my financial support. What makes it so foolish, aside from the fact that I can barely make ends meet as it is, is that it’s all coming from the Left. I don’t know how or why it happened, but I have suddenly found myself the recipient of political junk mail from Frank Lautenberg, John Kerry, Al Franken and Jason Rosenbaum, who works for the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC).

Jason alerted me to the fact that “the Senate Democrats cleaned up the House Republicans’ mess again, narrowly averting a government shutdown.” He claimed to need $210,000 in the next 72 hours to keep the Boehner-Cantor crew from taking over the Senate, and he assumed I could kick in at least five dollars to help keep the barbarians at the gates. Well, for openers, he must know something I don’t know about the date of the next election because I assumed it wasn’t taking place until November, 2012. For another thing, I would only consider kicking in a few bucks if it would help cause a government shutdown.

In his letter, John Kerry reminded me that if the Democrats lose just four of the 23 Democratic seats in the Senate that will be up for grabs in 2012, the GOP will have free rein in Washington. He was also willing to settle for $5 from this notorious cheapskate, but he insisted that the DSCC absolutely needed $235,000 within the next 72 hours. I could only assume that Teresa has put him on a strict budget and the extra $25,000 he was asking for was to augment his allowance.

In his letter, Sen. Kerry warned that if the DSCC didn’t hit its financial goal immediately, “We will cede the megaphone and the whole playing field to the most radical voices that keep on saying America can’t get the job done.” I assume it’s his contention that the real troublemakers are the folks voicing their pessimism as opposed to those who presently control the White House and the Senate and who obviously can’t get the job done.

Kerry went on: “This election is a choice. Either we come together as Americans to solve tough problems, or hide under a rock and pretend that if we just don’t ‘believe’ the science, our problems don’t exist.” What is fascinating about that sentence is that nowhere else in the message is anything said about “science,” but one has to assume this is code for “global warming” or “climate change” or whatever term the Left is using this week when referring to Al Gore’s favorite weather hoax.

In Al Franken’s message, he suggests that, again with a $5 contribution, I can “stick it to the Tea Party.” But, Al, being a true Leftist, is never a piker when it comes to other people’s money. He doesn’t suggest that Armageddon can be staved off by an infusion of a mere $210,000 or even $235,000 in the next 72 hours. Not hardly! Al Franken, who has looked into the crazed eyes of Tea Party members and seen madness lurking in the depths, claims that nothing less than $364,000 will keep us all safe from the evil clutches of America’s hostage-taking grandparents.

In case you’re curious, yes, I have written back explaining my own political position. But they must see me as a challenge because the requests have only increased over the past month. Perhaps they’re thinking that if they can get me to part with that five dollar bill, it could spell the difference between victory and defeat in 2012. Perhaps they’ve heard the old truism that as Prelutsky goes, so goes the nation.

All I can say, to paraphrase Charlton Heston, is that they will have to pry that five dollar bill out of my cold, dead, hands.


©2011 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write Burt!
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Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • Dave Robinson

    Burt:

    It’s really quite simple why you have been targeted by the Democratic party. Obviously Democrats would want to target liberals when asking for donations, and where else could they be assured of picking a liberal 90% of the time than by targeting journalists?

  • Dave O’Connor

    I suppose filling out the forms at least burns up their return postage costs.

  • Bruce A.

    Another good one burt. Last year when I became 50 I started to receive mail from AARP. I refuse to join, I don’t care how good the travel discounts are I do not travel. Maybe there is a group for workaholics like me who plan on working anorher 25 to 35 years, if possible that is not another mouthpiece for liberal causes or Obamacare.

  • Shirl

    I think the next time; probably tomorrow when I recieve mail from AARP along with all the other junk mail keeping the mail carriers busy, I will take Bill Hurdle’s advise and return it with advice on what they can do with their garbage. Fill up their own landfill! They can also have that idiot Al Franken too. No wonder our country is in such a mess.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Jeannette: A long time ago, I wrote an article for the AARP magazine. In those days, the group hadn’t yet turned itself into a mouthpiece for the DNC. Back then, the magazine was called Modern Maturity. Hoping to write another article for them, I submitted what I thought was a great idea for a magazine devoted to senior citizens. I wanted to do a profile on the great Elmer Bernstein, who, in his 80s, had just scored another movie.

    You can’t believe how shocked I was when the editor let me know they weren’t interested in the Oscar-winning composer. Their reason? It seems they were trying to appeal to a younger demographic! That was the last time I sent them an idea. It was also the last time I read the magazine.

    Burt

    • Jeannette

      Their loss, Burt. Maybe if they’d taken you up on such ideas, I wouldn’t consider it to be such drivel. But nooooooo.

  • Jeannette

    Did AARP quit sending junk mail to Mr. Hurdle? I really hope so.

    My household is bombarded with their stuff, but not because of anything I’ve done; rather, my better half likes the stupid magazine they send. I won’t touch it.

    I, too, have despised them since their slobbering, salivating support of Medicare Part D. Not one individual worked harder than I did to prevent it from becoming law.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Robin in FL: I knew that was the reason that Rand Mack kept hanging around, but you also think that explains my strange attraction for Al Franken? Maybe so. I can’t say I blame either of them, but it’s so darn sad when you really think about it.

    Regards, Burt

  • robin in fl

    Burt,the reason Al won’t leave you alone is because he wants to be as cool as you are ..it’s as simple as that!!!!

    just keep being YOU :)

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Bill Hurdle: Well done, sir.

    Burt

  • Bill Hurdle

    Here is the letter I sent to AARP.To : AARP

    Please stop sending me any and all promotional material. I was highly offended by your position on Part D Medicare during the Bush administration and decided to not renew my membership. Your recent position on “Health Care Reform” proposed by the Democrats has incensed me! The only way I would ever consider being affiliated with AARP again is if your top 50 executives committed Harakiri on the White House lawn as atonement for your despicable actions.
    I have repeatedly requested that you stop sending me any and all promotional materials in a courteous manner. You have completely ignored my request. IF YOU CONTINUE TO IGNORE MY REQUEST, I WILL URINATE ON EACH AND EVERY PIECE AND SEND IT BACK TO YOU IN A PLASTIC BAG!
    Sincerely,

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Rand Mack: Why won’t you take no for an answer? For the last, I will not be your date for the high school prom?

    • CCNV

      LMAO Good one, Burt!!

      • Rand Mack

        Sycophant.

  • Rand Mack

    Aww, I would guess that Al won’t leave you alone for the same reason I can’t seem to quit reading your drivel, a train wreck just has to be witnessed.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Jeannette: Minnesota is pretty desperate. Keep in mind they put Jesse Ventura in the governor’s mansion. But to be fair, as I pointed out earlier, they didn’t actually elect Franken. The Democrats cheated to win the election, and because the Democrats controlled the high court and the state senate, they managed to get away with it.

    Burt

  • Jeannette

    Burt: Have you ever been desperate enough for entertainment that you turn on the channels broadcasting the activities on the floors of the Senate and House? I have, and it has been a real treat to watch the erstwhile comedian (and I use that term very loosely) A. Franken. I am so completely mesmerized by his statesmanship that I’m usually in awe for days afterward. You should try it sometime! And for good measure, there are no AARP ads to watch or listen to, either.

    I cannot believe that his likes can actually sit in the U.S. Senate. Is Minnesota that desperate?

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Drew: I’m sure you recall that Franken didn’t actually defeat Norm Coleman; the Democrats simply kept turning up ballot boxes that had somehow gone missing until they finally “found” enough votes to get Franken his Senate seat.

    John Daly: Bernie would never be that cruel.

    Congratulations to all of you who have dumped AARP. I can’t even imagine why any conservative would stick with that lousy outfit. You might as well just send your check directly to the DNC. But, then, I never understood why so many conservatives continued sending donations to their various alma maters even after they had booted military recruiters off their campuses.

    Burt

  • Homer

    Doesn’t it call spam? Don’t they have rules against it?

  • Ace24

    When I get a solicitation from AARP (or any of the other outfits mentioned) with a postage paid return envelope, I always send it back empty. I wouldn’t want them to think that nobody reads the drivel they mail out.

  • Nancye

    Hey Burt,

    You better watch Duke’s mail. No telling what they’re asking him for. :)

  • Drew Page

    There must be something in the water up there in Minnesota, and I’m not referring to the Walleye. First it was Jesse (The Body) Ventura, former Navy Seal, professional wrestler, and Governor who sincerely believes that “9/11 was an inside job”. Now they have elected former SNL funny man Al Franken (aka Stuart Smiley) and liberal talk show host of the failed ‘Air America’ as Senator. Franken has been recorded expressing his hatred of conservatives in some pretty nasty commentary (“I hate those M.F.ers”). You can guess what the letters stand for and you’d be right. This from the man whom 50% of Minnesotans elected to represent them in the U.S. Senate, belonging to a political party that preaches the gospel of tolerance, peace, love and brotherhood.

  • John Daly

    Maybe Bernie submitted your email address to a bunch of liberal sites… You know, as a practical joke. ;)

  • John in MA

    Just an anecdotal observation: I subscribe to any political email feed that allows me, mostly just to see what every side is doing (yes, even MoveOn). My ‘naval observation’ – sitting back, peering at my belly to recall the past few months of emails – suggests liberal/Dem related organizations are begging for money at about a 3 to 1 rate over conservative. It’s like PBS on steroids. Fear? Desperation? Dunno.

  • IndependentLasVegas

    The same thing happpened when I dropped AARP after they were exposed as a Liberal Obama propaganda machine..

    • Drew Page

      Independent — Congratulations on dropping AARP. I did the same thing shortly after learning of their endorsement of Obamacare. I would encourage anyone over 65 to to leave AARP to the liberals and socialists.

      • wally2

        I finally dropped the AARP and glad I did. I’m sure there are many others.

  • Ron

    Give ‘em the five bucks, Burt, before they send your name, address and phone number to a collection agency, not to mention the IRS.

  • Glen Stambaugh

    Always choose the guy who says he can do it for less, unless as in this case, the results really matter. Your liberal correspondents are almost as funny as you, Burt. Great read!

  • sam

    lovely.wonderful.!

  • Roadmaster

    Hey, good deal, Burt! Take one for the team! You can be our guy on the “inside.” Let us know what those dweebs are up to.

  • Joseph Maloney

    The Dems continue to call the radical Tea Party responsible for all the reasons for the Washington stalemate. The ’12′ will fail, and the Progressives, and establishment will succeed by creating another crisis; which they created.
    Leadership has been replaced by Gamemanship.