SCENE: The Oval Office of the White House. President Obama is alone, seated as his desk. The President’s chief speechwriter enters.
SPEECHWRITER: You summoned me, Sir?
OBAMA: Yes, Keith, I have a writing assignment for you, but it’s not a speech. I want you to rewrite part of the Old Testament, to make it conform to this year’s Democratic National Committee party line.
SPEECHWRITER: I’ll be happy to do it, Sir, but isn’t that somewhat presumptuous? What gives us the authority to do that?
OBAMA: I can do anything with an Executive Order, Keith. You’ve seen how the Republicans curl into a ball when I issue one, no matter how outrageously unconstitutional it is.
SPEECHWRITER: Yes, Sir, but I don’t think it’s the Republicans who concern us here. I have a bad feeling about this.
OBAMA: Will you do it, or do I have to send you to Gitmo?
SPEECHWRITER: Tell me where to start.
OBAMA: In the beginning, of course. (Chuckles.) I want to rewrite the opening verses of Genesis. Look here, where it says “God created the heavens and the earth.” He couldn’t have done that alone. He couldn’t have transported the materials without using roads and bridges built by someone else. And who produced the materials anyway?
SPEECHWRITER: I don’t claim to be a biblical scholar, Sir, but I think the point is that there wasn’t any infrastructure in the beginning. And there weren’t any industrial operations. God was starting from scratch.
OBAMA: Are you a loyal Democrat, or not? Watch it, sucker. Gitmo beckons.
A BRILLIANT FLASH OF LIGHTNING ILLUMINATES THE WHITE HOUSE GROUNDS. THE THUNDER IS DEAFENING. RAIN FALLS, AND LARGE CHUNKS OF MASONRY CRASH INTO THE ROSE GARDEN NEARBY.
SPEECHWRITER: Nobody predicted rain for today, sir. Perhaps we could at least postpone this session?
OBAMA: Are you afraid of a little water? You are sitting with the most powerful man on earth, don’t forget.
SPEECHWRITER: Yes, Sir. “On earth” is the operative phrase.
OBAMA: Look here, where God says: “Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.” Now where do you suppose He got the idea for such a thing? He didn’t come up with that Himself. He must have read an inspirational book given Him by a dear relative. Or perhaps He got the idea from a great teacher.
ANOTHER FLASH OF LIGHTNING AND PEAL OF THUNDER. THE CEILING OF THE OVAL OFFICE CRACKS OPEN, AND WATER CASCADES ONTO THE OCCUPANTS.
SPEECHWRITER: I don’t mean to rain on your parade, so to speak, but I never saw any reference in the Old Testament to a relative of God. Although the New Testament does go into that in some detail.
OBAMA (not seeming to hear): Let me quote some more. “So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female he created them.” Do you think that will pass muster with my gay financial backers, or should we modify it somehow? I don’t want them to think that we are excluding them.
SPEECHWRITER: I understand that there are at least six other sexes that have been identified in recent years, Sir. But I don’t know whether it would be correct to say that God created them.
OBAMA: We can say what we damn please in an Executive Order. Look how the verses go on and on about how hard God worked. Six days of creating with no rest. Ha! There are a lot of hardworking people out there. And I have heard it suggested that God is omniscient. Ha! There are plenty of smart people out there.
LIGHTNING FLASHES SO BRIGHTLY THAT OBAMA AND HIS SPEECHWRITER ARE FORCED TO COVER THEIR EYES.
SPEECHWRITER: Oh my God, Sir, look over your shoulder! One of the rose bushes out there has burst into flame!
A DEEP VOICE, LOUDER THAN THUNDER, RISES FROM THE BURNING BUSH. THE LANGUAGE IS ARAMAIC, BUT IT IS PICKED UP ON THE WHITE HOUSE TAPING SYSTEM, AND A SCHOLAR FROM GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY LATER TRANSLATES IT.
THE VOICE SAID: “How the bleep did I ever let you become President of the United States? I got terrible advice from my old teacher. Never trust a liberal.”
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