Breaking: Bernie Goldberg Joins Trump Admin as “Fake News Czar”

For immediate publication.

FOR IMMEDIATE PUBLICATION: Former CBS News correspondent and Fox News media analyst, Bernie Goldberg, has accepted the newly created White House position of Fake News Czar.

Goldberg’s new job will see him holding weekly “Fake News” meetings, on behalf of the Trump White House, with select members of the mainstream media. The stated purpose: dealing with “Fake News lies” and “making the media great again.”

“I love this guy, Goldberg,” President Trump told reporters this morning, just before stepping aboard Marine One. “He’s like an iceberg, not a Goldberg. That’s what I call him, 'Bernie Iceberg.' Because he’s the iceberg and the fake news media is the Titanic. And we all know what happened when the Titanic hit that iceberg. Did you see that movie? Nobody really knew what happened to the Titanic until that movie came out. Very sad.”

Despite Goldberg’s vocal criticisms of bias in the mainstream media for over 20 years (which include multiple bestselling books on the topic), his hire by the White House will assuredly surprise many.

Goldberg has been a frequent critic of President Trump’s personal conduct and his broad “Fake News” attacks on the national media. In fact, many speculate that such critiques were behind the Fox News Channel sidelining Goldberg for nearly a year, until his contract as a network contributor expired.

The president hasn’t always been a fan of Goldberg’s either. Prior to today, Trump’s last public statement on Goldberg came from a tweet in late 2015, in which Trump wrote that Goldberg (a winner of 14 Emmys and 3 duPont awards), “just doesn’t know about winning!”

Goldberg shed some light on his unlikely partnership with the White House in an early-morning conference call with reporters.

“To be honest, I’m just getting sick and tired of people on social media confusing me with Bernie Sanders,” said Goldberg. “I figured that if I actually work for the Trump administration, on the opposite side of the political aisle from Sanders, people may eventually figure out that not all white-haired Jewish guys named Bernie are the same person.”

Not everyone is convinced that Goldberg’s motivations are quite so innocent. According to Twitter handle "@NotRussianBot_2343225800231," Goldberg is “a dAm #NeverTrump LIBTARD” and “deeeep state SPY!” who’s intent on “UNsitting our duly elexted POTUS!!!”

“Not so,” says Goldberg, who insists that it really is all about the Sanders thing. “Put yourself in my position. I lean conservative on most everything. I believe in capitalism. I comb my hair, for God's sake! I’ve been in front of the cameras for years and years, exposing media bias, and criticizing liberals and socialism. But just because I have white hair, my name is Bernie, and I sometimes say critical things about our president, people suddenly think I’m that crazy socialist guy who keeps running for president on a platform of giving everything away for free. It’s annoying! I mean, what would you do?”

According to a well-placed White House source (speaking under the condition of anonymity), Goldberg’s responsibilities during his weekly “Fake News” meetings with the press will include (but are not limited to):

• rolling his eyes and saying, "You should be ashamed of yourself" in response to legitimate questions from reporters

• discounting all negative economic numbers as a "media hoax"

• making jokes about George Stephanopoulos’s height

• staging substance-abuse interventions with CNN's Brian Stelter, in hopes of breaking him of his Fox News addiction

• proposing print-copies of the New York Times and Washington Post as viable alternatives for everyday Americans in dealing with the national toilet paper shortage

• shouting “Fake News” and "you're not the story" while firmly pressing his finger into the chest of White House correspondent, Jim Acosta, until Acosta is brought to tears.

Update: In light of the global pandemic and the White House's temporary media rules on social distancing, Goldberg has confirmed that he'll be using a broomstick to poke Jim Acosta.

More on this developing story as it comes in…