Great News: I'm About To Win the ...
I just got some very good personal news. I found out I almost certainly will win the next Nobel Peace Prize.
No, I didn’t actually get a phone call from Oslo making it official. Not yet anyway. But who needs a phone call. I found out about my good fortune by turning on the television and learning that Barack Obama won this year’s Peace Prize. So I’m figuring, if he can win it, so can I.
Look, President Obama hasn’t brought peace to the Middle East, has he? Neither have I. He hasn’t ended the war in Iraq. Me neither. Obama hasn’t brought the troops home from Afghanistan and turned that God-forsaken mess into a peace-loving paradise. Guess who hasn’t done any of that either. How about Darfur? Obama and I are tied for doing nothing on that one, too. Gitmo? Neither of us have shut the place down.
The fact is Barack Obama has done absolutely nothing to bring peace to the world. Or as they say in Norweigan: "Absolutely. Nothing." He got the award because five lefties on the Nobel selection committee got together and decided that they, just like America’s lame-stream media, have a slobbering love affair with the guy. Or to put it a slightly different way: Barack Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize because he’s not George W. Bush.
I’m guessing the clincher, if they even needed a clincher, was Rio. Just a few days ago, the International Olympic Committee dissed President Obama by giving the 2016 Olympics to Rio instead of Chicago. How mean was that? Especially since the president flew all the way to Copenhagen on Air Force One to make the pitch in person for his adopted hometown. The least they could do in nearby Oslo to make up for the slight was give the poor guy a Nobel Prize, right?
I’m going to keep this short because I have a very busy day today. First, I have to tell all my friends and relatives that I’m about to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Then I have to book a flight to Oslo and get a hotel room and rent a goofy-looking tuxedo so I look nice when I get the award.
When I was a little boy, my mother used to tell me that if I work hard I could be anything I want. I guess Mom was wrong. I always wanted to be a Nobel Peace Prize winner -- and I didn’t have to work hard at all. Thank you President Obama.