New Year’s Predictions — What to Look for in 2023
.... in politics, entertainment, and more!
Hi everyone. We’re in the final days of 2022, and as is tradition on this here website, I’ve made some predictions for the coming year.
But first, I want to thank all BernardGoldberg.com paying members, as well as regular readers of my columns (which are always free). Like every year, I truly appreciate you checking out my work, sharing it, and leaving comments.
Personally, I had a pretty good 2022, despite my first (but thankfully mild) bout with Covid in its final days. The year came with its challenges and disappointments, but also numerous successes, and several opportunities to recognize the gratitude I have for the many things in my life — first and foremost, the people. As screwed up as our nation’s politics (and a good chunk of our culture) continue to be, there are a number of life’s blessings that they just can’t touch… and that’s a good thing.
I hope you too had a good 2022, and I wish you all a Happy New Year!
Now onto some predictions for 2023...
Who are you? Who, who, who, who?
Following revelations that Republican congressman-elect George Santos lied about graduating from Baruch College, working for Goldman Sachs and Citigroup, owning 13 properties, having Jewish ancestry, losing four employees in the Pulse nightclub shooting, having grandparents who fled the Holocaust, how and when his mother died, and possibly even being a homosexual, Nassau County investigators looking into Santos’ mysterious past will run a DNA sample, from a strand of the politician’s hair, through government databases.
Approximately five days later, the nation will gasp upon learning that Santos is yet another secret biological child of failed U.S. Senate candidate (and fellow biography-embellisher), Herschel Walker.
The $700,000 Santos suspiciously loaned to his own congressional campaign will be traced back to a personal check from Walker, with the phrase “Keep it zipped, love you!” written on the memo line.
A teary-eyed Senator Lindsey Graham will appear on Hannity to discuss the situation, casting the discovery as just more evidence that “Walker is an honorable and supportive father.” Graham will end the segment by expressing to Fox viewers the dire national importance of donating to his “Team Graham” political fund.
A new era of innovation
On the heels of the monumental fusion ignition energy-breakthrough at a California lab at the end of 2022, President Biden will begin considering other national challenges for which laser-beam technology may be a significant part of the solution.
Biden will begin jotting down ideas on ice-cream-cone napkins during visits to local communities, with one such napkin inadvertently being left behind, and later posted on social-media by a diner employee. It will read:
power high-speed rail
make people care about high-speed rail
universal-translator from Star Trek (me)
memory-erase thing from Men in Black (voters)
come on, man
melt guns (shotguns ok)
waitress smells good
why won’t Barack respect me?
Later that week, during a White House press conference, Fox News’s Peter Doocy will ask President Biden to explain what role he believes lasers can play in such initiatives as “zapping” inflation, to which Biden will confidently reply, “Watch me!”
“Watch you what?” a confused Doocy will ask.
“Listen, Jack!” Biden will respond, before turning and aimlessly wandering off the stage.
A new chapter in political entertainment
In early spring, in a move of political brilliance, several 2024 Republican presidential hopefuls will meet privately with NBC executives behind the back of GOP front-runner Donald Trump. They’ll collectively pitch the network on a Trump-hosted reboot of the hit reality show, The Apprentice.
Titled “Rigged Apprentice,” the show would feature 18 losing “Stop the Steal” candidates from the 2022 midterm elections competing to present Mr. Trump with the best possible plan for circumventing the U.S. Constitution to reinstate him as our nation’s president. The winning contestant’s prize: the Vice Presidency in the returning Trump administration.
NBC, recognizing a much-needed ratings winner, will present Trump with the idea — along with a lucrative contract — under the condition that the former president officially end his 2024 presidential bid to avoid possible FEC violations of campaign laws (a stipulation insisted upon by the show’s secret creators).
“You’ll get back into the White House faster this way, and you won’t even have to worry about that annoying democracy thing getting in the way,” NBC Entertainment Chairman Frances Berwick will assure Trump. “Giuliani says it’s sound. So do Powell and Lindell. We’d even let you hawk more of those digital trading-card things.”
“Would I get to fire Mike Pence on the show?” Trump will ask. “For treason?”
“Sure,” Berwick will answer, sealing the deal.
Rigged Apprentice will debut in the fall and become an instant success, far surpassing the ratings of the Republican-primary debates (where boring “woke stuff” like the future of the country will be debated). The show’s popularity will only increase as the weeks go on, fueled in large part by Trump’s visible frustration as he slowly comes to realize the abject unseriousness of the contestants’ proposals (including one from failed Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake involving a large catapult positioned just outside a White House security fence).
The show’s season finale will air in mid-December with Trump reluctantly choosing Doug Mastriano’s idea of “doing something like Cyber Ninjas, but with actual ninjas.”
NBC writers will vow to fine-tune Mastriano’s plan using a rejected episode script from The Master, the network’s 1984 action-adventure series starring Lee Van Cleef.
The plan’s execution will be slated for fall of 2024, safely after both major political parties’ national conventions.
Should have known better…
Famed singer/songwriter Richard Marx, who spent a good portion of 2022 mocking Christianity on Twitter (while growing increasingly frustrated with people pointing out that he’s recorded multiple Christmas albums), will take his music in a different direction in the new year.
In early summer, he’ll put his money where his mouth is with the announcement of his new album, “Faith Is for Inbred A***holes.”
Aimed at dispelling criticism that Marx’s music is too commercialized and unrepresentative of his genuine beliefs and personality as expressed online, the album will be billed as the artist’s most “honest, personal, and raw” music to date.
Tracks will include “It’s You’re, Not Your, MAGAt!”, “Sky Daddy Ain’t Real, Dips***s!”, “Your Thoughts and Prayers Can Blow Me”, and “How Did You Like My Christmas Album, Bigot?”.
The vinyl release of the album will include the exclusive bonus track, “Thank You But F*** You, Liz Cheney” (with backup vocals provided by author Don Winslow).
While Rolling Stone will praise Marx for taking a risk with his music, reviews of the album will be overwhelmingly negative, with one prominent entertainment reporter writing, “This makes me want to reconsider my atheism, and start going to church.”
“This is just sad and incoherent,” another will write. “Bring back the 80s pretty talk!”
The album will be a commercial flop, which Marx, who’s straight, will blame on Christian homophobia.
Well, if you made it all the way to the end of this piece, congratulations, and thanks for humoring me. Again, I hope you all have a happy and healthy new year.