New Year's Resolutions from 10 Famous Americans
or not ...
Happy New Year — a little late.
I don’t know about you, but I stopped making New Year’s resolutions a long time ago. On January 1, I would resolve to do a few things to improve myself — and by lunchtime a week later, I had already broken every promise I made seven days earlier. I mean, did I really need to learn how to play the French Horn? Or swim the 21 miles across the English Channel? No. And no.
This year, I reached out to ten well-known Americans and asked if they would share their New Year’s Resolutions with me and all of you. They told me to “get lost” so I made up what they would have told me. If they don’t like it, too bad.
Here’s the list:
Donald Trump: “My New Year’s resolution is to finally accept that everyone else is wrong—including the facts, the courts, and arithmetic.”
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC): “I resolve to prove I’m the smartest person in every room, even when the room is full of economists who’ve been doing this since I was in middle school.”
Pam Bondi: “I resolve to defend whoever I’m assigned to defend with the same straight face, no matter how absurd the talking points get.”
Jesse Watters (two resolutions): 1) “I resolve to continue confusing smugness with insight and sarcasm with journalism.” 2) “My resolution is to confuse smirking with thinking and hope no one notices the difference.”
Tucker Carlson (two resolutions): 1) “I resolve to ask deeply concerned questions I absolutely do not want answered — preferably while staring into the camera like I’ve just uncovered the Zapruder film.” 2) “My resolution is to keep asking ‘Why isn’t anyone talking about this?’ immediately after everyone has talked about it.”
Taylor Swift (two resolutions): 1) “I resolve to turn at least one mild inconvenience into a 14-track album and a billion-dollar world tour.” 2) “My resolution is to date one more guy just long enough to finance my next private jet.”
Elon Musk: “I resolve to post fewer ‘just asking questions’ tweets that mysteriously crash markets, governments, or my own companies.”
Kash Patel: “I resolve to explain my résumé without it sounding like a Reddit conspiracy thread narrated by a hype man.”
J.D. Vance (two resolutions): 1) “I resolve to remember what I believed before discovering that political ambition pairs nicely with selective amnesia.” 2) “My resolution is to remember which version of myself I’m supposed to be mad at this week.”
Joe Biden: “I resolve to reassure Americans that everything is under control — even if I have to check my notes to remember what ‘everything’ is.”
That’s the list. If you smiled, I thank you. If you didn’t, don’t blame me. It’s not my fault the people on the list aren’t funny.
Wishing all of you a somewhat belated Happy and Healthy New Year … and this piece of free advice: Care about the things that matter — and care less about everything else.
—Bernie Goldberg
Happy New Year to you too Bernie. My resolution for this year is to remember to smile at the frequency of mistakes I did not make when I was your age.
Happy New Year Bernie