Read This!!! -- But Only If You Have Nothing Better To Do
This is my Seinfeld column. It’s about nothing.
Every now and then I can’t think of anything to say. That can be a liability when you have a column to fill. Sure, I could write about the Mormon cult thing and say the Baptist minister who said Mormons aren’t real Christians is an idiot. But a good writer should never waste time stating the obvious. I could say his logic is unimpressive. Unimpressive is a nice way of saying he’s an idiot, but I already said that. After all, he said he’d rather vote for a Christian than a non-Christian, then said he’d rather vote for Mitt Romney, a Mormon, than for Barack Obama, a Christian. Hello? Anybody home? I probably could write a whole column about that doofus, but honestly, I don’t feel like it. Besides, you know that old saying: “Never get into an argument with an idiot. They'll bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.” So I’ll take a pass on arguing with the good Christian minister who has a pipeline to God.
I guess I could also write a few hundred words about the Nobel Prize winners occupying Wall Street and other cities around the country. I read a survey in New York magazine that said 34 percent of them believe the U.S. government is no better than Al Qaeda. I’m not sure if I believe that they really believe that, but one way or another I don’t really care. They also think that one percent of Americans are oppressing the other 99 percent. Frankly, I’m shocked that they were able to put two percentages together that equaled 100. But I’ll tell you this: all those Democrats who are supporting the protestors are asking for trouble. Their message doesn’t resonate with independent voters – whom Barack Obama will need in order to win re-election – or anyone else not named Keith Olbermann.
Sometimes I wish I were as prolific a writer as my friend Burt Prelutsky, who is a regular contributor to this Web site. He’s really good – smart, funny, fearless. And he writes a lot. Something always catches his eye that he (rightly) thinks is worth writing about. Not me. For a while I was thinking about “borrowing” one of Burt’s columns and putting my name on it. Of course, that would be wrong. But that wasn’t the reason I didn’t do it. The reason I didn’t do it is because Burt would have caught me and then written a smart, funny fearless column that made me look like a thief or something.
There’s another Republican debate coming up. I could have written that line anytime in the past six months. The next debate is number 796, I think. I have nothing to say about the debates but I’m not sure if it’s my ignorance or my indifference that keeps me from writing about them. Honest answer: I don’t know – and I don’t care. (Get it?)
You know what writer’s block is? I have it. Have a nice day.