This Just In: Trump Is Not Dead

But common sense just might be.

I have it on good authority — the kind of sources who are usually right and, more importantly, the kind who still have a pulse — that President Donald J. Trump is not dead.

Yes, I know. Stunning.

In fact, not only is he very much alive, but if you believe his critics — the ones who wake up in a cold sweat every time they hear a red baseball cap rustle in the wind — he’s actively plotting to bring democracy to a screeching halt.

That’s right. The man who can’t stop talking is supposedly secretly engineering a scheme to cancel the 2026 midterms and shut down the 2028 presidential election altogether.

But first, let’s take a short detour into the twilight zone.

When Stephen Colbert, host of “The Late Show,” informed his audience that Trump was not, in fact, dead — a rumor that had been swirling around the back alleys of social media — the studio erupted ... in boos. Boos! Not because they were upset about fake news. No, they were just disappointed that the news wasn’t real. Apparently, we’ve reached the point where people boo facts if they don’t align with their fantasies.